Abject Terror or Complete Denial

Posted September 20, 2007

Let us contemplate a moment…

It's been a week since I was relieved of my duties at work. On the one hand, I've never felt more relaxed. On the other, I've avoided really considering anything. Monday, I had a phone interview with a company that is hiring a lot of customer service reps. I'm not sure what, exactly, made me blow the interview. Might have been the incomplete situations about my decision-making. Or perhaps it was the limits on work schedule times. Maybe it was because I noted I wanted to go into financial planning - which is a path there - without cold sales. Either that, or the statement that I would take a pay cut for something I want to do. Dunno. All I know is that while everyone else got a face-to-face interview, I didn't. I'm still waiting to see if I'm upset about it. I don't think so. No denial there, just a slight joy I didn't have to reject them.

Tuesday, I sat in my living room trying not to think about the fact that eventually, I would be out of work and would have to take unemployment for a while. Wednesday, I visited Buffalo Bill's grave. He's really buried there on Lookout Mountain (or is it Mt Lookout? There's a Mt Lookout at home in Cincinnati, dunno if I'm getting those confused. But I digress). His coffin is covered by concrete so Wyoming and Nebraska can't steal it. No, seriously. Thursday, I wandered around a mall in Denver. I extended my cell phone contract, too. Got a free phone. Pretty neat little phone. Probably not as sturdy as my old one, but better suited for things like texting, which I do a lot more than I thought I ever would. Friday, I sat at home again, trying not to kill my neighbor.

There is one job out there that's ephemeral as smoke. Company is in Durango, might move a location to Colorado Springs, might not. It would be commission rather than a salary, similar to a freelance assignment, but they'd pay 50% of health care costs. I could make obscene amounts of money doing something I'd actually enjoy, doing most of the stuff I liked about my last job. But, it's not firm.

The job market here, for lack of a better term, sucks. Big time. Either you're an executive, sales person or phone monkey. Business jargon (rethink paradigm, Six Sigma, ideation) makes me feel unclean, sales terrifies me, and I can't afford to live on a phone monkey salary. I just came from a call center, and it was a well-paid call center. Mostly because it wasn't a call center when I started there. I don't know what I'm going to do when the severance runs out, I spend $80-100/month on prescriptions with insurance. I won't have insurance after severance ends. I physically can't handle the commute to Denver (about 65 miles each way). I can't afford disability, and I'm too young to do that anyway. I'm my only source of income. I'm lucky to some extent, in that my family will help if I need it, but that's a last resort. I mean really, who wants to have to go back to family and say "You were right, I'm a loser, I can't take care of myself," hmm?
I have to start looking for a job. I have to call my creditors to let them know I may not be able to pay them for a while. I won't have enough to pay my mortgage for October, for instance. I have to find a way to pay for my prescriptions. I have to address my health in general. Too many things to consider, to think about.

But, if I think about them, I get scared. If I don't, well, just call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.