I just finished eating my breakfast. Nothing fancy, just some hash browns, sausage patty and an egg (side note: been eating like this for over a decade, and my cholesterol is stellar). The hash browns were lightly crispy, sausage perfectly browned and the egg scrambled not too dry, not too wet. In short, nearly perfect. I made the same breakfast yesterday morning, and frankly, the only reason it was edible was sheer luck. Many a morning, I’ve endured blackened hash browns, charred sausage and rubbery eggs. What’s the difference? Well, this morning, realizing I had a lot of work to do, I took one of my little blue pills, amphetamine salts, commonly called Adderall. It’s a generic version, so it’s not really Adderall, but it’s as close as I can afford.
That breakfast this morning, and the breakfast I usually have, is the difference between just being a little spacey and actually having ADD.
I’m an accounting student. Insane, I know. I’m doing well, but I’m feeling completely overwhelmed. The work that I hand in, my exams and homework, is rife with all sorts of minor errors, things that would be caught by a cursory review. Except I do review my homework before I turn it in. when I do my homework unmedicated, it takes twice as long. I have to take frequent breaks, and I am constantly battling with myself to stay on track. I do my homework in Excel, and I’m good at it. I love creating the formulas and formatting the sheets. It’s fun to me. When I’m doing my homework, though, I don’t really have time to do that. And yet, I can’t help myself. Not only do I find myself perfecting the form I’m using for that particular assignment, but I tend to fix other forms that I have saved, ones I use often. Without medication, I’m distractible. Easily distractible. I’ve caught myself in the middle of a problem working on something else entirely. It may take an hour or more to do a problem that should only take 20 minutes.
So why don’t I take my medication? Well, right now, I’m not insured. I’m making what I have stretch. Bad for the Adderall, bad for me in general. I have a serious health condition that has caused severe hypertension. I have medication I’m supposed to take every day. Haven’t, partly because I forgot, partly because I haven’t been able to get a refill. It’s the same thing with my Adderall.
I’m not working right now, but fortunately, I have enough money on hand and coming in (my own money, haven’t taken a dime from anyone else since December) to support myself for a few more months. I realized yesterday that if I had been working full-time while going to class, there’s no way I’d have been able to work on my degree. What happens when I graduate? Well, ideally, I’ll be able to afford my medication, and will be able to do my job, whatever it may be. Medicated, I’m gonna be a great accountant. Unmedicated, I can be a lousy call-center employee. Basically, I’ve realized that if I want to actually get out of this cycle, to stop being underemployed, to be able to wake up in the morning happy to go to work, or at least, not dreading it, I’m stuck with this little blue pill.
I’m not bragging. I’m not happy about it, I’m not trying to be a victim, I’m not looking for a handout. All I’m looking for is a bit of understanding and recognition. This is a real disorder. Those who live with it, those who were properly diagnosed, anyway, know it full well.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Getting Me Back
It was AWESOME!! And I don’t mean “awesome” in the 80s surfer dude/valley girl alternative to “cool” or “neat,” but awesome in the way that the event I experienced today filled me with awe, thereby making the event itself awesome. Today was the El Paso County Democratic Party Assembly and Convention.
Now, originally, this was going to be all about that convention, and it still will be, but really, this is about my journey back to myself. Something had been missing from my life for some time. A realization that I haven’t been active in the things that matter to me for nearly a decade. Well, I was involved with my church, but that was back in Cincinnati. I haven’t gotten comfortable enough with myself here to go visiting other churches. So I guess technically, I haven’t done things that matter to me for almost 7 years. Hmm. Okay, so that’s nearly a decade. So be it.
Last night was the second night in a row I didn’t feel like I was about to die. That was a pretty nasty cold virus I had, I’ve been symptomatic for more than a week and I’m still only at about 75%. Because of my normal hours lately, with classes in the evening and nothing in the morning, I tend to get to sleep around 1:00 or 2:00 on a good night. It’s my natural rhythm, apparently. This morning, I had to be at the assembly/convention site at 8:00 AM. That’s morning. Not too much after dawn. Well, okay, more than an hour, but still, I haven’t seen dawn from that end for some time. My alarm was set for 5:50 and I had allowed for 27 minutes snooze time. That’s hitting the button three times for the mathematically-impaired. I forced myself out of bed and into the shower, forced myself into some decent clothes and comfortable shoes (excellent idea, as it turns out) and forced myself out the door around 7:45. Grabbed myself a sausage biscuit and headed downtown.
I wasn’t completely sure where I was going, so I drove probably a bit more slowly than the people behind me would have liked, but hey, there were two lanes, they could go around. Just as I was getting close to where I needed to be, I was quite clear where I was going. Hard to miss. There was a line of people around the building. Around the building. A school, that took up an entire city block. The line went from one corner, down the entire street, around the next corner, and nearly down that entire street. Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to wait in that line for about 15 minutes, I had to find a place to park. Colorado Springs is a growing city, but it’s still small in many ways. For instance, I did park in a garage, just $1.00 for the day because it was a weekend. And you know what I noticed, what made me realize this city is still a bit on the small side? The elevator in the garage didn’t smell like someone’s personal toilet. Hmm. Need to work on that cynicism.
Back I go, walk a few blocks to the school and the insanely long line outside. In the cold. At least it had stopped snowing. Like others, I stood in that line and grumbled a bit, although not too loud, a woman about a third of the way up let me in with her. She offered, I didn’t ask. We inched forward, I think more for warmth than anything, and talked. And as I talked to this woman, this, technically, elderly woman, I realized that this was an historic event. That not only were we given a choice between a woman and an African-American (his father was from Kenya), but here we were, in Focus on the Family country, standing with a couple thousand of our closest friends, waiting to exercise our rights as Americans. Wow.
The rest of the day was pretty much surreal. There was a problem getting into the building, I don’t think anyone had really expected the sort of turnout we had. Colorado in general isn’t a particularly liberal state, and Colorado Springs, with 5 military installations, and the headquarters for Focus on the Family (see? I wasn’t kidding.), is REALLY not liberal. Funny, ‘cuz it did seem fairly liberal to me, coming from Cincinnati. Seriously. Walk around there, you’ll see. Because of the numbers, because of the growth of the county, and the exponential growth of the democratic segment, the El Paso County Dems were ill-prepared. Not their fault, really, I think in the past 20 years, you’d have had about as many people, if you added them all together over that 20 years. All things considered, they handled it well. And they’ll be better prepared for next time.
I found a seat on the aisle, realizing the Fire Marshall was obviously looking the other way, and listened. There were speakers aplenty. Sadly, waiting to get signed in I missed our Senator Ken Salazar, but I guess you can’t have everything. I did get to speak with a bunch of other people, people who understood it was safer to talk about religion than politics in this city. People who were just as excited as I was to be in a room full of people who were energized, excited, rarin’ to go. Ready to change the world. There were the Hillary folk and the Obama folk, and neither willing to concede to the other, but when it got right down to it, we were there together, united.
There were other things to take care of, more over-crowded rooms in breakout sessions for district matters, votes and such, and committees to chair, and somehow, I got elected to one. Granted, I had to actually volunteer to do so, but there were only 8 chairs and 13 candidates. I was the last one on stage to get a vote. And I think I got the second-highest number of votes. Again, surreal. I’m a delegate for the 5th Congressional District assembly, and the 5th Congressional District convention, and an alternate for the State Democratic Convention, held on May 16th and 17th. No birthday party this year.
And after leaving that meeting that took 10 hours of my day, 12 if you count the time it took to get out of bed and travel to the convention, that had me standing for extended periods of time, the first day out of my house since I got sick, and frankly, unable to stand for long periods of time any more anyway due to my kidney disease, I was high. Totally high. I hadn’t felt that excited about anything since I was the emcee at the Multi-racial Solidarity March in 1996.
I knew I was missing church, I remind myself every Sunday that I would be happier if I would just get myself out of bed and go. I even have one picked out. I forgot that I also enjoyed getting involved in the Democratic process. Not the party, per se, the process itself. And here in Colorado, it’s truly Democratic. Everyone had a say. Everyone. It was a mess. It was hot, it was tedious, it was at times boring, and people got slap-happy and a little rude. And what I saw leaving that place was a bunch of people who felt like, well, like they participated in something special.
I decided to go to my favorite sushi place for dinner afterward (no, I’m not telling you where, it’s undiscovered, and I’d like it to stay that way), and it was while trying to remember where to turn that I realized what had happened to me today. I’m going back to school, something I’ve wanted to do for some time, but hadn’t the courage. I’m getting an MBA in accounting. And I’m actually doing well. And now, I’m getting back to another fundamental piece of me, my political spirit. I’ve missed me. I didn’t realize how much until today. I’m glad I’m back.
Now, originally, this was going to be all about that convention, and it still will be, but really, this is about my journey back to myself. Something had been missing from my life for some time. A realization that I haven’t been active in the things that matter to me for nearly a decade. Well, I was involved with my church, but that was back in Cincinnati. I haven’t gotten comfortable enough with myself here to go visiting other churches. So I guess technically, I haven’t done things that matter to me for almost 7 years. Hmm. Okay, so that’s nearly a decade. So be it.
Last night was the second night in a row I didn’t feel like I was about to die. That was a pretty nasty cold virus I had, I’ve been symptomatic for more than a week and I’m still only at about 75%. Because of my normal hours lately, with classes in the evening and nothing in the morning, I tend to get to sleep around 1:00 or 2:00 on a good night. It’s my natural rhythm, apparently. This morning, I had to be at the assembly/convention site at 8:00 AM. That’s morning. Not too much after dawn. Well, okay, more than an hour, but still, I haven’t seen dawn from that end for some time. My alarm was set for 5:50 and I had allowed for 27 minutes snooze time. That’s hitting the button three times for the mathematically-impaired. I forced myself out of bed and into the shower, forced myself into some decent clothes and comfortable shoes (excellent idea, as it turns out) and forced myself out the door around 7:45. Grabbed myself a sausage biscuit and headed downtown.
I wasn’t completely sure where I was going, so I drove probably a bit more slowly than the people behind me would have liked, but hey, there were two lanes, they could go around. Just as I was getting close to where I needed to be, I was quite clear where I was going. Hard to miss. There was a line of people around the building. Around the building. A school, that took up an entire city block. The line went from one corner, down the entire street, around the next corner, and nearly down that entire street. Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to wait in that line for about 15 minutes, I had to find a place to park. Colorado Springs is a growing city, but it’s still small in many ways. For instance, I did park in a garage, just $1.00 for the day because it was a weekend. And you know what I noticed, what made me realize this city is still a bit on the small side? The elevator in the garage didn’t smell like someone’s personal toilet. Hmm. Need to work on that cynicism.
Back I go, walk a few blocks to the school and the insanely long line outside. In the cold. At least it had stopped snowing. Like others, I stood in that line and grumbled a bit, although not too loud, a woman about a third of the way up let me in with her. She offered, I didn’t ask. We inched forward, I think more for warmth than anything, and talked. And as I talked to this woman, this, technically, elderly woman, I realized that this was an historic event. That not only were we given a choice between a woman and an African-American (his father was from Kenya), but here we were, in Focus on the Family country, standing with a couple thousand of our closest friends, waiting to exercise our rights as Americans. Wow.
The rest of the day was pretty much surreal. There was a problem getting into the building, I don’t think anyone had really expected the sort of turnout we had. Colorado in general isn’t a particularly liberal state, and Colorado Springs, with 5 military installations, and the headquarters for Focus on the Family (see? I wasn’t kidding.), is REALLY not liberal. Funny, ‘cuz it did seem fairly liberal to me, coming from Cincinnati. Seriously. Walk around there, you’ll see. Because of the numbers, because of the growth of the county, and the exponential growth of the democratic segment, the El Paso County Dems were ill-prepared. Not their fault, really, I think in the past 20 years, you’d have had about as many people, if you added them all together over that 20 years. All things considered, they handled it well. And they’ll be better prepared for next time.
I found a seat on the aisle, realizing the Fire Marshall was obviously looking the other way, and listened. There were speakers aplenty. Sadly, waiting to get signed in I missed our Senator Ken Salazar, but I guess you can’t have everything. I did get to speak with a bunch of other people, people who understood it was safer to talk about religion than politics in this city. People who were just as excited as I was to be in a room full of people who were energized, excited, rarin’ to go. Ready to change the world. There were the Hillary folk and the Obama folk, and neither willing to concede to the other, but when it got right down to it, we were there together, united.
There were other things to take care of, more over-crowded rooms in breakout sessions for district matters, votes and such, and committees to chair, and somehow, I got elected to one. Granted, I had to actually volunteer to do so, but there were only 8 chairs and 13 candidates. I was the last one on stage to get a vote. And I think I got the second-highest number of votes. Again, surreal. I’m a delegate for the 5th Congressional District assembly, and the 5th Congressional District convention, and an alternate for the State Democratic Convention, held on May 16th and 17th. No birthday party this year.
And after leaving that meeting that took 10 hours of my day, 12 if you count the time it took to get out of bed and travel to the convention, that had me standing for extended periods of time, the first day out of my house since I got sick, and frankly, unable to stand for long periods of time any more anyway due to my kidney disease, I was high. Totally high. I hadn’t felt that excited about anything since I was the emcee at the Multi-racial Solidarity March in 1996.
I knew I was missing church, I remind myself every Sunday that I would be happier if I would just get myself out of bed and go. I even have one picked out. I forgot that I also enjoyed getting involved in the Democratic process. Not the party, per se, the process itself. And here in Colorado, it’s truly Democratic. Everyone had a say. Everyone. It was a mess. It was hot, it was tedious, it was at times boring, and people got slap-happy and a little rude. And what I saw leaving that place was a bunch of people who felt like, well, like they participated in something special.
I decided to go to my favorite sushi place for dinner afterward (no, I’m not telling you where, it’s undiscovered, and I’d like it to stay that way), and it was while trying to remember where to turn that I realized what had happened to me today. I’m going back to school, something I’ve wanted to do for some time, but hadn’t the courage. I’m getting an MBA in accounting. And I’m actually doing well. And now, I’m getting back to another fundamental piece of me, my political spirit. I’ve missed me. I didn’t realize how much until today. I’m glad I’m back.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Well, now...
I’m finally recovering from a particularly nasty cold. I know I’m recovering because it’s after 2:00 AM and I’m up. Doesn’t happen when I’m sick, only when I’m well. I even tried to go to sleep. Wasn’t happening. Oh well.
This whole feeling better thing is fairly recent, too. As early as this afternoon, I still felt pretty miserable. But you know, I realized this evening that a large part of that was my blood pressure. This not having health insurance thing is starting to really get to me, now. Fortunately, three of the four drugs I have prescribed to control my BP are generics, so they may not be too expensive. I’ll find out soon enough, I don’t think I can afford to be without them anymore. My head is buzzing like a beehive right now, as it has for the past three days. Just for giggles, I thought I’d whip out the handy-dandy at-home blood pressure monitor and arm cuff and take a quick measurement. Haven’t done that since October. In October, I was at least taking my meds every other day, to try and make them stretch. But I forgot, and before I knew it, I wasn’t taking them at all. I have no idea when that stopped. Not having a daily schedule totally screws me up.
Right, so anyway, took a BP measurement this afternoon – 154/102. Feel free to search online. Most sites will tell you that’s not a very good reading. Well, now I know where the buzzing is coming from. Between taking decongestants and antihistamines so I could breathe, and forgetting my BP meds, I’m basically lucky to be coherent. Yay.
Time to find a way to get back into the habit of taking my meds. It didn’t help with my recovery. Granted, I’m still coughing up a small chunk of lung now and again, but what I thought might be an upper respiratory infection, secondary to the cold, is really just my BP being elevated to an extremely high level. Not a level that gets you hospitalized, it has to go up much more than that, but it is a level that must be controlled.
Something else this afternoon showed me. I will probably have to move. Altitude is a factor in blood pressure, and I’m at over 6,000 feet here in Colorado Springs (yes, that’s higher than Denver). Not until I finish school, but I think I need to move to a lower altitude at some point. Here, I have three pills directly, one indirectly, prescribed to control blood pressure. At a lower altitude, I might be able to drop one or two. I’m not happy about that, I really do like it here, but if I’m going to spend my evenings unable to function because my head feels like it’s full of bees, I don’t really have a whole lot of choice.
This whole feeling better thing is fairly recent, too. As early as this afternoon, I still felt pretty miserable. But you know, I realized this evening that a large part of that was my blood pressure. This not having health insurance thing is starting to really get to me, now. Fortunately, three of the four drugs I have prescribed to control my BP are generics, so they may not be too expensive. I’ll find out soon enough, I don’t think I can afford to be without them anymore. My head is buzzing like a beehive right now, as it has for the past three days. Just for giggles, I thought I’d whip out the handy-dandy at-home blood pressure monitor and arm cuff and take a quick measurement. Haven’t done that since October. In October, I was at least taking my meds every other day, to try and make them stretch. But I forgot, and before I knew it, I wasn’t taking them at all. I have no idea when that stopped. Not having a daily schedule totally screws me up.
Right, so anyway, took a BP measurement this afternoon – 154/102. Feel free to search online. Most sites will tell you that’s not a very good reading. Well, now I know where the buzzing is coming from. Between taking decongestants and antihistamines so I could breathe, and forgetting my BP meds, I’m basically lucky to be coherent. Yay.
Time to find a way to get back into the habit of taking my meds. It didn’t help with my recovery. Granted, I’m still coughing up a small chunk of lung now and again, but what I thought might be an upper respiratory infection, secondary to the cold, is really just my BP being elevated to an extremely high level. Not a level that gets you hospitalized, it has to go up much more than that, but it is a level that must be controlled.
Something else this afternoon showed me. I will probably have to move. Altitude is a factor in blood pressure, and I’m at over 6,000 feet here in Colorado Springs (yes, that’s higher than Denver). Not until I finish school, but I think I need to move to a lower altitude at some point. Here, I have three pills directly, one indirectly, prescribed to control blood pressure. At a lower altitude, I might be able to drop one or two. I’m not happy about that, I really do like it here, but if I’m going to spend my evenings unable to function because my head feels like it’s full of bees, I don’t really have a whole lot of choice.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
February 9th
Well, here we are again, the beginning of the year. My newly-discovered cousin had a birthday this Wednesday, on the 6th. My late mother’s birthday is on the 9th. Oddly enough, my cousin not only has a birthday near my mother’s but she also greatly resembles her. Like, everything but the nose. That, she got from her mother. But everything else, it’s a little freaky.
It’s been three years since mom passed (March 6, 2005), and I no longer spontaneously break out in tears…much. I miss her, but then, I missed her for a good 10 years before she died. She’d basically left me around then, even though she was still around.
The last few years are best forgotten. Not because of her physical condition, more because of the things she would say to me. She was always a bit odd, passive aggressive and paranoid, and I guess spending all that time with nothing to keep her company but her TV just made those traits come out all the more. The last thing she said to me was “You’ve got a beard.” Well, probably not, but I ignored what she said after that.
I felt no guilt about that last exchange, there wasn’t anything I could have done about it. She’s the one who said those words, not me. She’s the one who had to live with the knowledge that she intentionally said hurtful things to her only daughter. I’d already started to make my peace with her long before. Customary to blame one’s parents for all the things that have gone wrong in their world. She wasn’t perfect, but she did have her good points, and plenty of them. No one is perfect. I’m not. And I know that she’s part of the reason I never had children. I knew there was an excellent chance I’d be like her, and I wasn’t about to subject anyone else to that. Heck, she’s also part of the reason I’m single now. Both directly and indirectly.
But I’m not ascribing blame, not really. These are more statements of fact. I know I have my own mind and can make my own decisions. She didn’t make the decision to not have children, I did. She didn’t make the decision to stay out of romantic relationships, I did. I recognized her influence, and I recognized my ability and responsibility to take a different path if I didn’t want to follow. The path I chose was to remain childless. My extreme shyness is a greater influence on my lack of romance than anything else. Part of that shyness, though, stems from a belief that once anyone got to know me, it wouldn’t be long before they would regret it. And part of that, well, that does come from mom.
I can sit here and blame her for all my troubles, but that gets me nowhere. I choose instead to remember things that made me happy, that still make me smile. Things like time spent shopping or eating out, road trips and sledding, and game nights at home, particularly around Christmas time. I remember the scriptures we read before opening gifts on Christmas and eating candy on Easter. She wanted us to know what we were actually celebrating, to remind us that everything else was just fluff and fun. She complained about the way television was changing, how it was becoming more and more racy. Funny thing, she didn’t expect the networks to do anything about it, she did something about it herself. People today claim they don’t have time to pay attention to their children, they have too much to do. My mother was a single mother, working two jobs at times. She still had time to pay attention to what we were watching and doing. In other words, she was a parent.
She wasn’t perfect, but I know she loved me and my brother. There were lots of things she did wrong, but there were plenty she did right.
Miss you, mom. Happy Birthday.
It’s been three years since mom passed (March 6, 2005), and I no longer spontaneously break out in tears…much. I miss her, but then, I missed her for a good 10 years before she died. She’d basically left me around then, even though she was still around.
The last few years are best forgotten. Not because of her physical condition, more because of the things she would say to me. She was always a bit odd, passive aggressive and paranoid, and I guess spending all that time with nothing to keep her company but her TV just made those traits come out all the more. The last thing she said to me was “You’ve got a beard.” Well, probably not, but I ignored what she said after that.
I felt no guilt about that last exchange, there wasn’t anything I could have done about it. She’s the one who said those words, not me. She’s the one who had to live with the knowledge that she intentionally said hurtful things to her only daughter. I’d already started to make my peace with her long before. Customary to blame one’s parents for all the things that have gone wrong in their world. She wasn’t perfect, but she did have her good points, and plenty of them. No one is perfect. I’m not. And I know that she’s part of the reason I never had children. I knew there was an excellent chance I’d be like her, and I wasn’t about to subject anyone else to that. Heck, she’s also part of the reason I’m single now. Both directly and indirectly.
But I’m not ascribing blame, not really. These are more statements of fact. I know I have my own mind and can make my own decisions. She didn’t make the decision to not have children, I did. She didn’t make the decision to stay out of romantic relationships, I did. I recognized her influence, and I recognized my ability and responsibility to take a different path if I didn’t want to follow. The path I chose was to remain childless. My extreme shyness is a greater influence on my lack of romance than anything else. Part of that shyness, though, stems from a belief that once anyone got to know me, it wouldn’t be long before they would regret it. And part of that, well, that does come from mom.
I can sit here and blame her for all my troubles, but that gets me nowhere. I choose instead to remember things that made me happy, that still make me smile. Things like time spent shopping or eating out, road trips and sledding, and game nights at home, particularly around Christmas time. I remember the scriptures we read before opening gifts on Christmas and eating candy on Easter. She wanted us to know what we were actually celebrating, to remind us that everything else was just fluff and fun. She complained about the way television was changing, how it was becoming more and more racy. Funny thing, she didn’t expect the networks to do anything about it, she did something about it herself. People today claim they don’t have time to pay attention to their children, they have too much to do. My mother was a single mother, working two jobs at times. She still had time to pay attention to what we were watching and doing. In other words, she was a parent.
She wasn’t perfect, but I know she loved me and my brother. There were lots of things she did wrong, but there were plenty she did right.
Miss you, mom. Happy Birthday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
