Little Blue Pill

I just finished eating my breakfast. Nothing fancy, just some hash browns, sausage patty and an egg (side note: been eating like this for over a decade, and my cholesterol is stellar). The hash browns were lightly crispy, sausage perfectly browned and the egg scrambled not too dry, not too wet. In short, nearly perfect. I made the same breakfast yesterday morning, and frankly, the only reason it was edible was sheer luck. Many a morning, I’ve endured blackened hash browns, charred sausage and rubbery eggs. What’s the difference? Well, this morning, realizing I had a lot of work to do, I took one of my little blue pills, amphetamine salts, commonly called Adderall. It’s a generic version, so it’s not really Adderall, but it’s as close as I can afford.

That breakfast this morning, and the breakfast I usually have, is the difference between just being a little spacey and actually having ADD.

I’m an accounting student. Insane, I know. I’m doing well, but I’m feeling completely overwhelmed. The work that I hand in, my exams and homework, is rife with all sorts of minor errors, things that would be caught by a cursory review. Except I do review my homework before I turn it in. when I do my homework unmedicated, it takes twice as long. I have to take frequent breaks, and I am constantly battling with myself to stay on track. I do my homework in Excel, and I’m good at it. I love creating the formulas and formatting the sheets. It’s fun to me. When I’m doing my homework, though, I don’t really have time to do that. And yet, I can’t help myself. Not only do I find myself perfecting the form I’m using for that particular assignment, but I tend to fix other forms that I have saved, ones I use often. Without medication, I’m distractible. Easily distractible. I’ve caught myself in the middle of a problem working on something else entirely. It may take an hour or more to do a problem that should only take 20 minutes.

So why don’t I take my medication? Well, right now, I’m not insured. I’m making what I have stretch. Bad for the Adderall, bad for me in general. I have a serious health condition that has caused severe hypertension. I have medication I’m supposed to take every day. Haven’t, partly because I forgot, partly because I haven’t been able to get a refill. It’s the same thing with my Adderall.

I’m not working right now, but fortunately, I have enough money on hand and coming in (my own money, haven’t taken a dime from anyone else since December) to support myself for a few more months. I realized yesterday that if I had been working full-time while going to class, there’s no way I’d have been able to work on my degree. What happens when I graduate? Well, ideally, I’ll be able to afford my medication, and will be able to do my job, whatever it may be. Medicated, I’m gonna be a great accountant. Unmedicated, I can be a lousy call-center employee. Basically, I’ve realized that if I want to actually get out of this cycle, to stop being underemployed, to be able to wake up in the morning happy to go to work, or at least, not dreading it, I’m stuck with this little blue pill.

I’m not bragging. I’m not happy about it, I’m not trying to be a victim, I’m not looking for a handout. All I’m looking for is a bit of understanding and recognition. This is a real disorder. Those who live with it, those who were properly diagnosed, anyway, know it full well.