Just Do It

For several years, Nike used this command as a tagline for their commercials. Ideally, it meant to stop coming up with excuses and do what needs to be done. Lovely sentiment, really, and not a bad axiom to follow. Unless…

What if you’re one of those who’s raised self-defeat to an art form? What if, like myself, you believe that whatever you try, whatever you do, you will fail? Forget your dreams, they’re nothing but dreams. Come to reality and just be like everyone else. Stop complaining, others have it worse off than you. No one wants to hear what you have to say. Lots of people are told similar things by family, and even friends, and they come out just fine. Others don’t. The same words and treatment do different things to different people.

I’m a master of self-defeat. I’m the flaky, useless one who talks a lot but doesn’t actually say anything. Success on the horizon? Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to destroy it. Opportunity of a lifetime? Never fear, I’ll be able to irrevocably ruin my chances. Life falling apart? Hah, you haven’t seen anything, yet! I am the master of self-defeat!

Nor am I the only one. People who have siblings who seem to be doing just fine are themselves falling apart. We compare ourselves to others, unfavorably, and often come up wanting. Not everyone, there are those who compare themselves to others and see an opportunity, and have the tools to take advantage of that opportunity. I envy those people. I wish I could find a way to make myself think like that, to see the opportunities and take advantage of them, instead of just letting them go because I know I’ll screw it up somehow. Given half a chance, I’ll destroy everything I’ve built. Or so it seems.

What to do? Well, apparently, I haven’t given up just yet. I’ve managed to find a way around some of those hurdles. There are others that I see looming above me, ones that seem almost insurmountable, that I can’t find a way to overcome. All the more frustrating when I see others who seem completely unfazed by the same hurdles. It’s as nothing to them, why can’t you see how easy it is to go across?

I have things I could be doing now to improve my situation. I know what they are. Some, I’ve accomplished. I’ve found a way around those hurdles. Others, I cannot. There’s no good reason, really, just one more thing I’ve failed at. I have an amazing ability to see just how whatever I attempt will fail miserably. I can find a way to make it fail, to screw it up, to make it worse than it already is. All the self-help tools in the world seem almost useless in the face of my abilities as destroyer of self. This is my reality.

Just Do It. There’s a lot of pressure in that one little sentence.

Yes We Can

I wasn't going to go to Pueblo today, I had decided I'd rather stay in bed. Emblematic of my life of late, doing all I can just to function, forget about doing anything else. But, I made myself go anyway.

I got directions from the internet - how did I ever get anywhere without it? - and hit the highway. Fortunately, I had plenty of gas and some cash, so I could stop and grab some breakfast. Pueblo, Colorado, here I come!

Colorado is a battleground state for the upcoming election. Barack Obama and his surrogates have made many stops here in the past few months. Many. This is his fourth or fifth himself, second to Pueblo. Michelle Obama and Joe Biden have also made the trip alone, both to Colorado Springs. Hah, Denver ISN'T the only city in the state!

The event itself was almost unremarkable. There were the expected vendors and crowd, a line that stretched a mile at least, and the volunteers recruiting other volunteers. I felt a little guilty for not signing up, but I just can't do that right now.

My camera had suffered an injury. After leaving Michelle Obama's speech, I ran to the grocery store. I brought all my groceries home, using the bags to transport other stuff, and the bag holding my camera crashed to the floor. Unfortunately, the fall damaged the door over the batteries in my camera, so they don't stay in. I had to physically hold it shut. Duct tape, sadly, did not work. So I had a lot of pictures that I missed, because my camera turned itself off.

After passing through security, we found ourselves a spot on the street to await the big moment. Two hours. It's a miracle I can even feel my legs right now. But it was worth the wait. First, General Wesley Clark spoke. Then, when they arrived from the airport, Michelle Obama spoke. The crowd went wild when she was introduced. I was able to catch the occasional glimpse between the two giants that stood in front of me. When she introduced Barack, though, she couldn't even get out the full introduction before the crowd erupted into cheers and, yes, a bit of a frenzy. Unreal.

He spoke of the things he often speaks of, but they sounded so much better when he was just a few hundred yards in front of me. I was fortunate, I was able to keep the batteries in my camera for long enough to get several shots. Unlike my photos from Michelle's appearance on Tuesday, most of these came out. Yay!

I'd already voted last week, but I can tell you, if I hadn't, I'd have been raring to go for Tuesday.

Naturally, my depression is never far from my mind. How could it be? I'm just hoping to ride this positive wave for long enough to fill out my assistance forms and complete some homework for Monday. I still don't know what I'm going to do about my home, I guess I'll just wait until I lose it. But for now, I'm excited. I'm hopeful. For our country if not for me.