For several years, Nike used this command as a tagline for their commercials. Ideally, it meant to stop coming up with excuses and do what needs to be done. Lovely sentiment, really, and not a bad axiom to follow. Unless…
What if you’re one of those who’s raised self-defeat to an art form? What if, like myself, you believe that whatever you try, whatever you do, you will fail? Forget your dreams, they’re nothing but dreams. Come to reality and just be like everyone else. Stop complaining, others have it worse off than you. No one wants to hear what you have to say. Lots of people are told similar things by family, and even friends, and they come out just fine. Others don’t. The same words and treatment do different things to different people.
I’m a master of self-defeat. I’m the flaky, useless one who talks a lot but doesn’t actually say anything. Success on the horizon? Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to destroy it. Opportunity of a lifetime? Never fear, I’ll be able to irrevocably ruin my chances. Life falling apart? Hah, you haven’t seen anything, yet! I am the master of self-defeat!
Nor am I the only one. People who have siblings who seem to be doing just fine are themselves falling apart. We compare ourselves to others, unfavorably, and often come up wanting. Not everyone, there are those who compare themselves to others and see an opportunity, and have the tools to take advantage of that opportunity. I envy those people. I wish I could find a way to make myself think like that, to see the opportunities and take advantage of them, instead of just letting them go because I know I’ll screw it up somehow. Given half a chance, I’ll destroy everything I’ve built. Or so it seems.
What to do? Well, apparently, I haven’t given up just yet. I’ve managed to find a way around some of those hurdles. There are others that I see looming above me, ones that seem almost insurmountable, that I can’t find a way to overcome. All the more frustrating when I see others who seem completely unfazed by the same hurdles. It’s as nothing to them, why can’t you see how easy it is to go across?
I have things I could be doing now to improve my situation. I know what they are. Some, I’ve accomplished. I’ve found a way around those hurdles. Others, I cannot. There’s no good reason, really, just one more thing I’ve failed at. I have an amazing ability to see just how whatever I attempt will fail miserably. I can find a way to make it fail, to screw it up, to make it worse than it already is. All the self-help tools in the world seem almost useless in the face of my abilities as destroyer of self. This is my reality.
Just Do It. There’s a lot of pressure in that one little sentence.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Yes We Can
I wasn't going to go to Pueblo today, I had decided I'd rather stay in bed. Emblematic of my life of late, doing all I can just to function, forget about doing anything else. But, I made myself go anyway.
I got directions from the internet - how did I ever get anywhere without it? - and hit the highway. Fortunately, I had plenty of gas and some cash, so I could stop and grab some breakfast. Pueblo, Colorado, here I come!
Colorado is a battleground state for the upcoming election. Barack Obama and his surrogates have made many stops here in the past few months. Many. This is his fourth or fifth himself, second to Pueblo. Michelle Obama and Joe Biden have also made the trip alone, both to Colorado Springs. Hah, Denver ISN'T the only city in the state!
The event itself was almost unremarkable. There were the expected vendors and crowd, a line that stretched a mile at least, and the volunteers recruiting other volunteers. I felt a little guilty for not signing up, but I just can't do that right now.
My camera had suffered an injury. After leaving Michelle Obama's speech, I ran to the grocery store. I brought all my groceries home, using the bags to transport other stuff, and the bag holding my camera crashed to the floor. Unfortunately, the fall damaged the door over the batteries in my camera, so they don't stay in. I had to physically hold it shut. Duct tape, sadly, did not work. So I had a lot of pictures that I missed, because my camera turned itself off.
After passing through security, we found ourselves a spot on the street to await the big moment. Two hours. It's a miracle I can even feel my legs right now. But it was worth the wait. First, General Wesley Clark spoke. Then, when they arrived from the airport, Michelle Obama spoke. The crowd went wild when she was introduced. I was able to catch the occasional glimpse between the two giants that stood in front of me. When she introduced Barack, though, she couldn't even get out the full introduction before the crowd erupted into cheers and, yes, a bit of a frenzy. Unreal.
He spoke of the things he often speaks of, but they sounded so much better when he was just a few hundred yards in front of me. I was fortunate, I was able to keep the batteries in my camera for long enough to get several shots. Unlike my photos from Michelle's appearance on Tuesday, most of these came out. Yay!
I'd already voted last week, but I can tell you, if I hadn't, I'd have been raring to go for Tuesday.
Naturally, my depression is never far from my mind. How could it be? I'm just hoping to ride this positive wave for long enough to fill out my assistance forms and complete some homework for Monday. I still don't know what I'm going to do about my home, I guess I'll just wait until I lose it. But for now, I'm excited. I'm hopeful. For our country if not for me.
I got directions from the internet - how did I ever get anywhere without it? - and hit the highway. Fortunately, I had plenty of gas and some cash, so I could stop and grab some breakfast. Pueblo, Colorado, here I come!
Colorado is a battleground state for the upcoming election. Barack Obama and his surrogates have made many stops here in the past few months. Many. This is his fourth or fifth himself, second to Pueblo. Michelle Obama and Joe Biden have also made the trip alone, both to Colorado Springs. Hah, Denver ISN'T the only city in the state!
The event itself was almost unremarkable. There were the expected vendors and crowd, a line that stretched a mile at least, and the volunteers recruiting other volunteers. I felt a little guilty for not signing up, but I just can't do that right now.
My camera had suffered an injury. After leaving Michelle Obama's speech, I ran to the grocery store. I brought all my groceries home, using the bags to transport other stuff, and the bag holding my camera crashed to the floor. Unfortunately, the fall damaged the door over the batteries in my camera, so they don't stay in. I had to physically hold it shut. Duct tape, sadly, did not work. So I had a lot of pictures that I missed, because my camera turned itself off.
After passing through security, we found ourselves a spot on the street to await the big moment. Two hours. It's a miracle I can even feel my legs right now. But it was worth the wait. First, General Wesley Clark spoke. Then, when they arrived from the airport, Michelle Obama spoke. The crowd went wild when she was introduced. I was able to catch the occasional glimpse between the two giants that stood in front of me. When she introduced Barack, though, she couldn't even get out the full introduction before the crowd erupted into cheers and, yes, a bit of a frenzy. Unreal.
He spoke of the things he often speaks of, but they sounded so much better when he was just a few hundred yards in front of me. I was fortunate, I was able to keep the batteries in my camera for long enough to get several shots. Unlike my photos from Michelle's appearance on Tuesday, most of these came out. Yay!
I'd already voted last week, but I can tell you, if I hadn't, I'd have been raring to go for Tuesday.
Naturally, my depression is never far from my mind. How could it be? I'm just hoping to ride this positive wave for long enough to fill out my assistance forms and complete some homework for Monday. I still don't know what I'm going to do about my home, I guess I'll just wait until I lose it. But for now, I'm excited. I'm hopeful. For our country if not for me.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Ups and Downs
Today, I was an active participant in the world. The hardest part of my day was getting out of bed. And it was hard. I’ve not been in the best place, lately, and was generally happier just staying in bed. Still, I had plans for the day. I had to get up.
Finally out of bed and out of the house, I drove out to recycle my aluminum cans and find an early polling place. I wound up at Chapel Hills Mall, north of the city, and waited for an hour to cast my ballot. Yes, the line was long, and the people were cynical, but they were also in pretty good moods. Most were perfectly fine with waiting to vote. Everyone was anxious to avoid the possible crowds next Tuesday. I figure either it’ll be chaos or deserted, because there’s been an incredible turnout.
After, I grabbed a bite to eat, and headed downtown. Michelle Obama was going to be in town and she was speaking at City Auditorium. I missed Barack when he was in Pueblo, just 40 miles to the south, and I missed Joe Biden when he was here last week because I wasn’t feeling well (side note: wind chill was about -10 when Biden was here, and it was in the upper 60s for Michelle. Ah, fall…). I wasn’t about to miss this chance.
I hit downtown about 3:10 or so, concerned that I wouldn’t have gotten there early enough. I drove around the block once trying to find a parking spot, and decided to stop at a parking garage across the street from the venue. Only $1 after 2:00. Lucky, since I didn’t really have anything more than that. In the ten minutes it took me to circle the block, the line grew about 20 feet. I took my place with the crowd, already tired from having stood for over an hour earlier, and waited. By the time I was nearly at the door, I saw the end of the line. It had gone around the block and then some. I met some great people, and basically soaked up all the incredible energy from the crowd. It was unreal.
Finally, we were in the building, seated and waiting for the main event. The hall was crowded and hot, the crowd tired, but still very excited. Colorado leaders spoke up, including a Colorado Springs city council member, a Republican, who is voting for Obama. Then came the main event. I knew I’d be excited, I had no idea how much.
Michelle represented her husband well. She talked about her past, she talked about his. She talked about supporting the military, a very important topic in a city that is home to the Air Force Academy, Schriever and Peterson Air Force Bases and Ft. Carson Army Base. She talked about getting out early to vote. She was elegant, she was graceful, she was everything I wish I could be in front of a crowd. At one point, someone near the front passed out. She stopped her speech and asked if the person was okay, came off the stage and went to that person. She STOPPED HER SPEECH for this. How cool is that?
I had my camera with me, and I learned something…if I’d left the flash on, I might have better pictures. Still, I have shots of the line outside, and some of the photos from inside are clear enough, so it’s okay.
Michelle mentioned her father, who had Multiple Sclerosis. I thought of my mother with MS. She spoke of Barack’s upbringing with a single mother. I grew up with a single mother, although I was fortunate enough to have my father very present in my life. She talked about student loans and paying for college. Just before I started my current degree, I had finished paying off my undergrad student loan.
And I thought about other things. I thought about my father and his generation, being denied jobs and opportunities because of their race. I thought of being followed in the mall by security, or ignored by salespeople. I thought about being pulled over for a DWB – Driving While Black. I thought about growing up with my blue-eyed blonde mother, about people asking her if we were adopted, about waitresses automatically assuming we wanted separate checks at a meal, about being shunned by whites for being black, and shunned by blacks for being too white. I even thought about my older sisters who seem to think of me as some white girl they’re related to. And I thought about July 20, 1996, and the Multi-racial Solidarity March. It was a demonstration to change the 2000 census, to allow people to check all races that apply. If we have to categorize, we should be allowed to categorize accurately.
Barack Obama’s genetics is not a deciding factor for me. It just gives me another area of relationship with him. I’m well aware of the fact that to the world at large, pale as I am, I’m a black woman. And make no mistake, I’m heartily proud of my black and African heritages. I consider myself biracial, though, both black and white, member of both, accepted by neither. So be it. The world is changing, and I’m lucky enough to be here for it.
Today was an up day. I know the down day is coming again, it hasn’t left my side for months, now. I have about $900 to my name, and my mortgage and HOA dues are due Monday. I will apply for assistance (I promised, Jen), but I don’t know what I’m going to do until it kicks in. I apply for jobs, but I’m not holding my breath on getting one.
For now, though, I’m reveling in the world as it is right now, a world where a man who would be followed by mall security even today can aspire to be president.
Finally out of bed and out of the house, I drove out to recycle my aluminum cans and find an early polling place. I wound up at Chapel Hills Mall, north of the city, and waited for an hour to cast my ballot. Yes, the line was long, and the people were cynical, but they were also in pretty good moods. Most were perfectly fine with waiting to vote. Everyone was anxious to avoid the possible crowds next Tuesday. I figure either it’ll be chaos or deserted, because there’s been an incredible turnout.
After, I grabbed a bite to eat, and headed downtown. Michelle Obama was going to be in town and she was speaking at City Auditorium. I missed Barack when he was in Pueblo, just 40 miles to the south, and I missed Joe Biden when he was here last week because I wasn’t feeling well (side note: wind chill was about -10 when Biden was here, and it was in the upper 60s for Michelle. Ah, fall…). I wasn’t about to miss this chance.
I hit downtown about 3:10 or so, concerned that I wouldn’t have gotten there early enough. I drove around the block once trying to find a parking spot, and decided to stop at a parking garage across the street from the venue. Only $1 after 2:00. Lucky, since I didn’t really have anything more than that. In the ten minutes it took me to circle the block, the line grew about 20 feet. I took my place with the crowd, already tired from having stood for over an hour earlier, and waited. By the time I was nearly at the door, I saw the end of the line. It had gone around the block and then some. I met some great people, and basically soaked up all the incredible energy from the crowd. It was unreal.
Finally, we were in the building, seated and waiting for the main event. The hall was crowded and hot, the crowd tired, but still very excited. Colorado leaders spoke up, including a Colorado Springs city council member, a Republican, who is voting for Obama. Then came the main event. I knew I’d be excited, I had no idea how much.
Michelle represented her husband well. She talked about her past, she talked about his. She talked about supporting the military, a very important topic in a city that is home to the Air Force Academy, Schriever and Peterson Air Force Bases and Ft. Carson Army Base. She talked about getting out early to vote. She was elegant, she was graceful, she was everything I wish I could be in front of a crowd. At one point, someone near the front passed out. She stopped her speech and asked if the person was okay, came off the stage and went to that person. She STOPPED HER SPEECH for this. How cool is that?
I had my camera with me, and I learned something…if I’d left the flash on, I might have better pictures. Still, I have shots of the line outside, and some of the photos from inside are clear enough, so it’s okay.
Michelle mentioned her father, who had Multiple Sclerosis. I thought of my mother with MS. She spoke of Barack’s upbringing with a single mother. I grew up with a single mother, although I was fortunate enough to have my father very present in my life. She talked about student loans and paying for college. Just before I started my current degree, I had finished paying off my undergrad student loan.
And I thought about other things. I thought about my father and his generation, being denied jobs and opportunities because of their race. I thought of being followed in the mall by security, or ignored by salespeople. I thought about being pulled over for a DWB – Driving While Black. I thought about growing up with my blue-eyed blonde mother, about people asking her if we were adopted, about waitresses automatically assuming we wanted separate checks at a meal, about being shunned by whites for being black, and shunned by blacks for being too white. I even thought about my older sisters who seem to think of me as some white girl they’re related to. And I thought about July 20, 1996, and the Multi-racial Solidarity March. It was a demonstration to change the 2000 census, to allow people to check all races that apply. If we have to categorize, we should be allowed to categorize accurately.
Barack Obama’s genetics is not a deciding factor for me. It just gives me another area of relationship with him. I’m well aware of the fact that to the world at large, pale as I am, I’m a black woman. And make no mistake, I’m heartily proud of my black and African heritages. I consider myself biracial, though, both black and white, member of both, accepted by neither. So be it. The world is changing, and I’m lucky enough to be here for it.
Today was an up day. I know the down day is coming again, it hasn’t left my side for months, now. I have about $900 to my name, and my mortgage and HOA dues are due Monday. I will apply for assistance (I promised, Jen), but I don’t know what I’m going to do until it kicks in. I apply for jobs, but I’m not holding my breath on getting one.
For now, though, I’m reveling in the world as it is right now, a world where a man who would be followed by mall security even today can aspire to be president.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Never Forget
Tuesday, September 11, 2001, 6:40 AM MDT. I left my house. I had to be at work at 7:00. There were mortgages to process and loan officers to placate. People wanted to move into their homes, or have the money to fix up the one they had. Around 6:45, I was at the crest of Austin Bluffs, just at the intersection of Austin Bluffs and Cragmor. I don’t know why I remember that. I did have the radio on, and I imagine there was a news story, but there wasn’t anything really that stood out. It was early, and I’m not a morning person.
6:55 AM MDT (est). I parked my car and went into the office. Said hello to the receptionist and walked to my desk. I got my computer turned on, logged in and sat down. I had just gotten comfortable, my chair just barely warmed up. Outside, the sun was getting brighter. I had a fantastic view of Pike’s Peak that was distracting some days. Sometimes, you could see bears or coyotes out there. Some even saw bighorn sheep, although I never did. In the cube in front of me, my co-worker stood up. The World Trade Center has been hit. Both of them. I stood up. She was talking to the person in the cube beside her, but I heard her just fine. It was hard not to. My first word to her that morning was “Wha…?” I don’t know, I might have grunted “morning” to her when I walked in, but that’s the first thing I remember saying.
After that, time stops meaning anything.
The phones stop ringing. We’re in early for the Eastern and Central time zones. They’ve been up, they know what’s happening. They’re not calling. Especially our people from New York, Maryland, Virginia, DC and Pennsylvania. They’re a little preoccupied. Others come in to work. Not everyone watches the news or listens to the radio, so not everyone knows what happened. The atmosphere in the building is somber, to say the least. It’s almost impossible to get an update. The internet is barraged with requests. I had three different windows open, checking on CNN, MSNBC and Google, hoping any one of them might update. It took better than a minute to refresh the windows. Later in the morning, one of my co-workers brought out a hand-held television she keeps for lunch. At one point, there were probably 12 of us crowded around a 3-inch screen, trying to find out what was going on.
California woke up. Okay, the Pacific time zone woke up. The Mountain Time zone is pretty sparsely populated. At the best of times we never got that many calls, comparatively speaking. Most of our Pacific calls seemed to come from California, though, so that’s what I think of first when I think of the West. Some had no idea anything had happened. As far as they were concerned, it was just a normal Tuesday morning. Others, the ones that really upset me, did know, and didn’t care. I know they didn’t care. They actually said they didn’t care. All they wanted was their loan documents. California, generally speaking, doesn’t accept faxed copies of mortgage documents. Not even with original signatures. Faxing closing documents wasn’t an option. Later in the day, we were able to come up with an alternative, using a scanner and email. The biggest issue with that was security, but these loan officers weren’t letting go. If their clients’ information was stolen, on their head be it.
Colorado Springs has several military installations, and some people had to leave for various reasons related to that fact. Most, though, stayed. I had no one at home to talk to, so I was glad the site didn’t close. That was, in fact, part of the rationale. Of course, back then, we had a different person in charge. It was about the people, not the job. But that’s another, bitter, blog. The site remained open for the rest of the normal business day. I seem to recall being told that, after my shift ended and I went home, the site closed. Nothing was getting accomplished.
Our site manager found a television, and was able to access broadcast channels. He had the television set up in the cafeteria, available for anyone, at any time. Ideally, we were to get work done, but there was no pressure. The cafeteria was full for the rest of the day. I watched President Bush address the nation from the cafeteria, surrounded by several dozen co-workers. I went to lunch with a friend of mine, struck by the absence of air traffic. It was silent. There were cars on the road, but it was silent. As we were leaving the building, though, a group of F-15s flew overhead, all the louder for the lack of competition. The only thing we could assume, judging by the angle, is it was an escort for Air Force One. Looked like it was coming from the Cheyenne Mountain area, and we had just seen the President talking in an undisclosed location. Before it moved, NORAD was based in Cheyenne Mountain, and was a known undisclosed location. Two and two…
The rest of the day remains a blur as well. There was time spent on the telephone talking to some clients in California, explaining to them that what they were demanding simply wasn’t possible. There was time spent in the cafeteria, watching the coverage. There was time spent on the floor, talking with co-workers, trying to wrap our heads around the events of the day. I watched the coverage for the next several days, and took the advice of newscasters who said to take a break, step away, watch something else, something happy. Still, I was alone. I didn’t have anyone to help me process this. I should be used to that by now, I suppose, but again, that’s another, bitter, blog.
Some days after the attacks, I went through my client files. I needed to update my portfolio, and remove the files that were no longer valid. One call, I can’t forget. I’ve tried. Just like the rest of the day that spawned it, I tried, but I can’t. I called the loan officer and asked about this client. There hadn’t been any activity for several weeks, would we continue? Hold the file. He worked at the World Trade Center, and his wife is waiting to hear from him. He was a Vice President for a major financial company. His office was on the 103rd floor of Two World Trade Center.
Seven years later, I still haven’t completely processed it. I don’t know if I ever will, frankly, but I would have hoped I’d be farther along than I am. Still, some things have changed. I’m not having trouble sleeping because of the attacks anymore. Not even on the anniversary. Took 30 years for the Super Tornado Outbreak of 1974 dreams to stop, and the nearest tornado was miles away. And one thing, I must say, I’m proud that I never once thought the space should be kept sacred and open. The terrorists hit it to make us grovel and cry, to leave ups feeling hopeless and helpless. And frankly, if we build there, we win. I’m not thrilled that Bush managed to sneak the US Patriot Act through in a time of grieving, but he wouldn’t be the first politician – of either party – to use tragedy to further his own desires.
Honestly, I don’t want to forget. Ever. It reminded us that we were vulnerable, even across an ocean from our enemies, perceived and real. More importantly, though, it reminded us that even though we have different beliefs, religions, races and creeds, one thing we have that’s the same is our home. We’re all American.
6:55 AM MDT (est). I parked my car and went into the office. Said hello to the receptionist and walked to my desk. I got my computer turned on, logged in and sat down. I had just gotten comfortable, my chair just barely warmed up. Outside, the sun was getting brighter. I had a fantastic view of Pike’s Peak that was distracting some days. Sometimes, you could see bears or coyotes out there. Some even saw bighorn sheep, although I never did. In the cube in front of me, my co-worker stood up. The World Trade Center has been hit. Both of them. I stood up. She was talking to the person in the cube beside her, but I heard her just fine. It was hard not to. My first word to her that morning was “Wha…?” I don’t know, I might have grunted “morning” to her when I walked in, but that’s the first thing I remember saying.
After that, time stops meaning anything.
The phones stop ringing. We’re in early for the Eastern and Central time zones. They’ve been up, they know what’s happening. They’re not calling. Especially our people from New York, Maryland, Virginia, DC and Pennsylvania. They’re a little preoccupied. Others come in to work. Not everyone watches the news or listens to the radio, so not everyone knows what happened. The atmosphere in the building is somber, to say the least. It’s almost impossible to get an update. The internet is barraged with requests. I had three different windows open, checking on CNN, MSNBC and Google, hoping any one of them might update. It took better than a minute to refresh the windows. Later in the morning, one of my co-workers brought out a hand-held television she keeps for lunch. At one point, there were probably 12 of us crowded around a 3-inch screen, trying to find out what was going on.
California woke up. Okay, the Pacific time zone woke up. The Mountain Time zone is pretty sparsely populated. At the best of times we never got that many calls, comparatively speaking. Most of our Pacific calls seemed to come from California, though, so that’s what I think of first when I think of the West. Some had no idea anything had happened. As far as they were concerned, it was just a normal Tuesday morning. Others, the ones that really upset me, did know, and didn’t care. I know they didn’t care. They actually said they didn’t care. All they wanted was their loan documents. California, generally speaking, doesn’t accept faxed copies of mortgage documents. Not even with original signatures. Faxing closing documents wasn’t an option. Later in the day, we were able to come up with an alternative, using a scanner and email. The biggest issue with that was security, but these loan officers weren’t letting go. If their clients’ information was stolen, on their head be it.
Colorado Springs has several military installations, and some people had to leave for various reasons related to that fact. Most, though, stayed. I had no one at home to talk to, so I was glad the site didn’t close. That was, in fact, part of the rationale. Of course, back then, we had a different person in charge. It was about the people, not the job. But that’s another, bitter, blog. The site remained open for the rest of the normal business day. I seem to recall being told that, after my shift ended and I went home, the site closed. Nothing was getting accomplished.
Our site manager found a television, and was able to access broadcast channels. He had the television set up in the cafeteria, available for anyone, at any time. Ideally, we were to get work done, but there was no pressure. The cafeteria was full for the rest of the day. I watched President Bush address the nation from the cafeteria, surrounded by several dozen co-workers. I went to lunch with a friend of mine, struck by the absence of air traffic. It was silent. There were cars on the road, but it was silent. As we were leaving the building, though, a group of F-15s flew overhead, all the louder for the lack of competition. The only thing we could assume, judging by the angle, is it was an escort for Air Force One. Looked like it was coming from the Cheyenne Mountain area, and we had just seen the President talking in an undisclosed location. Before it moved, NORAD was based in Cheyenne Mountain, and was a known undisclosed location. Two and two…
The rest of the day remains a blur as well. There was time spent on the telephone talking to some clients in California, explaining to them that what they were demanding simply wasn’t possible. There was time spent in the cafeteria, watching the coverage. There was time spent on the floor, talking with co-workers, trying to wrap our heads around the events of the day. I watched the coverage for the next several days, and took the advice of newscasters who said to take a break, step away, watch something else, something happy. Still, I was alone. I didn’t have anyone to help me process this. I should be used to that by now, I suppose, but again, that’s another, bitter, blog.
Some days after the attacks, I went through my client files. I needed to update my portfolio, and remove the files that were no longer valid. One call, I can’t forget. I’ve tried. Just like the rest of the day that spawned it, I tried, but I can’t. I called the loan officer and asked about this client. There hadn’t been any activity for several weeks, would we continue? Hold the file. He worked at the World Trade Center, and his wife is waiting to hear from him. He was a Vice President for a major financial company. His office was on the 103rd floor of Two World Trade Center.
Seven years later, I still haven’t completely processed it. I don’t know if I ever will, frankly, but I would have hoped I’d be farther along than I am. Still, some things have changed. I’m not having trouble sleeping because of the attacks anymore. Not even on the anniversary. Took 30 years for the Super Tornado Outbreak of 1974 dreams to stop, and the nearest tornado was miles away. And one thing, I must say, I’m proud that I never once thought the space should be kept sacred and open. The terrorists hit it to make us grovel and cry, to leave ups feeling hopeless and helpless. And frankly, if we build there, we win. I’m not thrilled that Bush managed to sneak the US Patriot Act through in a time of grieving, but he wouldn’t be the first politician – of either party – to use tragedy to further his own desires.
Honestly, I don’t want to forget. Ever. It reminded us that we were vulnerable, even across an ocean from our enemies, perceived and real. More importantly, though, it reminded us that even though we have different beliefs, religions, races and creeds, one thing we have that’s the same is our home. We’re all American.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Yes We Can!
Wow. Just wow. My tax accounting class let out early...very early...following a presentation about the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002. Trust me, it's important to future accountants/auditors. NEway, we left early. Our instructor was apparently as anxious to get home to watch Obama's acceptance speech as many of us were. Apparently, I'm not going to be the only Democratic accountant in this state.
I still wish I was there. I really do. It would have been unreal. But I did get to watch it live, so there's that. And even though I haven't forgotten, he did remind me why he caught my attention in the first place. He's American first, last and always. He has the respect of Republicans, Democrats and Independents alike, and he's earned it. He believes in a government that works together, regardless of party.
My closest friend here in Colorado is an undeclared voter who is, for all intents and purposes, a Republican. We do talk about politics when it comes up, and we have differing views on many things. And it's okay. It's okay to have a different opinion. As long as that opinion doesn't get in the way of the brain. Sometimes, we agree to disagree. But we would defend each others' rights TO THE DEATH to disagree. Barack Obama said the same thing.
I couldn't help but rise to my feet and clap while watching in the comfort of my living room. The room that one day, may not be mine because I still haven't found a job. But I realized that even though I might lose my house, even though I might have to move back home, I still have more opportunities than my father had. And in order to maintain that opportunity, I need a leader I can count on to help preserve the gains I've made.
There was no time that I ever thought I wouldn't vote for Barack Obama. Tonight just reminded me how committed I am to seeing this through.
And if you wish to go to the polls for the express purpose of canceling out my vote, be my guest. It's your right as an American.
I still wish I was there. I really do. It would have been unreal. But I did get to watch it live, so there's that. And even though I haven't forgotten, he did remind me why he caught my attention in the first place. He's American first, last and always. He has the respect of Republicans, Democrats and Independents alike, and he's earned it. He believes in a government that works together, regardless of party.
My closest friend here in Colorado is an undeclared voter who is, for all intents and purposes, a Republican. We do talk about politics when it comes up, and we have differing views on many things. And it's okay. It's okay to have a different opinion. As long as that opinion doesn't get in the way of the brain. Sometimes, we agree to disagree. But we would defend each others' rights TO THE DEATH to disagree. Barack Obama said the same thing.
I couldn't help but rise to my feet and clap while watching in the comfort of my living room. The room that one day, may not be mine because I still haven't found a job. But I realized that even though I might lose my house, even though I might have to move back home, I still have more opportunities than my father had. And in order to maintain that opportunity, I need a leader I can count on to help preserve the gains I've made.
There was no time that I ever thought I wouldn't vote for Barack Obama. Tonight just reminded me how committed I am to seeing this through.
And if you wish to go to the polls for the express purpose of canceling out my vote, be my guest. It's your right as an American.
Monday, August 25, 2008
70 Miles to the North
Right now, Michelle Obama is leaving the stage. The Democratic National Convention is taking place in Denver, Colorado, at the Pepsi Center, about 70 miles to the north of me. And I really want to be there. Really. But I can't. I wasn't chosen as a delegate at the Colorado State Convention. There was some form I was supposed to fill out, and I didn't. So I don't get to go.
But I thought about it. Right now, I'm also in one of the most difficult quarters in school. I have an Intermediate Accounting class that professional accountants would have trouble with. I have a Tax Accounting class focusing on tax law. Read tax law. Do not apply logic. It will not make sense if you apply logic. I also have a Managerial Economics class, a half quarter class completely online. I'm learning that I need the classroom to succeed, but I'll do what I can.
I'm very behind in all these classes. Had I been selected as a delegate to the DNC, I'd have gotten even further behind. Yes, I want to be at the DNC. But more importantly, I want to get into something that's not blue collar, something that allows me to use the brain God gave me, the brain that is both blessing and curse. I want out of this cycle of underemployment.
Listening to Michelle Obama's speech, that's when I realized that it was a good thing I wasn't a delegate. It's my future at stake, both here and there. But here, I can do a lot more about it.
Yes, I want to be up in Denver at the DNC. But I want to have a future I can control. I'll be at the polls in November. Too many people have fought and died for my right to vote, as a woman, as a minority, as an American, for me to spit in their faces. I would hope that everyone else realizes the sacrifices made for our freedoms. I'd like you to vote for my candidate. But more than that, I'd like you to be informed. If you want to vote for McCain, it's your right. We are allowed to disagree.
How cool is this country?
But I thought about it. Right now, I'm also in one of the most difficult quarters in school. I have an Intermediate Accounting class that professional accountants would have trouble with. I have a Tax Accounting class focusing on tax law. Read tax law. Do not apply logic. It will not make sense if you apply logic. I also have a Managerial Economics class, a half quarter class completely online. I'm learning that I need the classroom to succeed, but I'll do what I can.
I'm very behind in all these classes. Had I been selected as a delegate to the DNC, I'd have gotten even further behind. Yes, I want to be at the DNC. But more importantly, I want to get into something that's not blue collar, something that allows me to use the brain God gave me, the brain that is both blessing and curse. I want out of this cycle of underemployment.
Listening to Michelle Obama's speech, that's when I realized that it was a good thing I wasn't a delegate. It's my future at stake, both here and there. But here, I can do a lot more about it.
Yes, I want to be up in Denver at the DNC. But I want to have a future I can control. I'll be at the polls in November. Too many people have fought and died for my right to vote, as a woman, as a minority, as an American, for me to spit in their faces. I would hope that everyone else realizes the sacrifices made for our freedoms. I'd like you to vote for my candidate. But more than that, I'd like you to be informed. If you want to vote for McCain, it's your right. We are allowed to disagree.
How cool is this country?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Weather
Well now, here’s something I never thought I’d say. Not here in Colorado. It’s been raining for days! Not the normal 20 minutes of rain then sun, not even periodic episodes of rain then sun, but almost constant rain, varying from a light drizzle to downpour, and even a little hail. Hail out here, of course, isn’t particularly serious, I think it has more to do with the altitude. Whereas hail back home in Cincinnati usually meant something severe was on the horizon, and you’d best get yourself to some sturdy building, just in case. Just the same, it’s been raining all weekend. I haven’t seen the sun since Friday. Maybe Thursday. Easy to lose track of time when you’re not working. In the seven years I’ve been here, I’ve never seen it do this. Based on what I’ve seen in the news, this isn’t particularly common. Sure, it’s monsoon season out here, but we’re talking about a place where half an inch of rain for the month isn’t all that odd. Part of me wishes it would stop. I know I’ve gone native, because part of me can’t help but say “We need the moisture.”
Surprisingly, my ceiling hasn’t really leaked all that much. I did have roofers come out last month after a particularly heavy deluge. I had my own private waterfall in my living room. The roofers did what they could, but they also mentioned the windows need to be replaced. There’s one in particular, my skylight over my bathroom and upstairs hallway. That one I can see is in bad shape even from 10 feet below. That’s the biggest culprit. Nonetheless, they did what they could and told me they’d come back if needed. Fortunately, the roof falls under the province of the HOA. Unfortunately, the windows do not. One more thing. They must have accomplished something, though, because I’ve yet to experience the same level of drippage as I did before they came. One in the same spot I’ve seen it for years, and one very small leak in the new area. Based on where the leaks are, it’s probably my window. The one in desperate need of being replaced.
Rain does have one fairly universal effect, it tends to bring on a malaise. And for someone who’s already down naturally, it can get pretty severe. But, you do what you can. Soldier on, try to accomplish what needs to be done. Yeah, so far, that hasn’t worked out so good. My third class for the quarter has begun. I have an assignment due tomorrow, and I haven’t even cracked the book, yet. I’m behind in my other two classes, also fairly work-intensive, and I don’t know how easy it will be for me to catch up. I’m going to have to go with “Not.”
This really concerns me, because I do need to find a job. A source of income other than the student loans I’ve been living on since my unemployment ran out and my pension was cashed in. So far, I’m okay, but that won’t last long. My student loan payments are quarterly, and not enough to cover all my expenses. Even if I eliminate all luxuries and semi-luxuries, it’s not enough to pay my mortgage, phone and groceries. I’m constantly amazed, though, at the fact I’ve managed to go almost an entire year without an earned income. Sure, there was some left-handed luck involved, particularly the settlement from my accident in November, but mostly, it was unemployment, student loans, and being cheap. Most of the time.
Despite the fact that I get extremely tense when I feel like I’m going broke, I have had episodes of spendthrift behavior. Not lately, but it’s happened. And to be perfectly honest, one of those episodes was actually necessary, although I still have trouble reconciling that. I went shopping. I realized some time ago that if I wanted to get into accounting, I’d need to add a few things to my wardrobe, things that made me look a little more professional and white collar. Yes, I’ve worked in offices, for major companies. I’ve worked in a corporate headquarters of a Fortune 500 company (Fortune 100, I think). And for that job, I did have to have more appropriate clothing than I do now. Of course, those clothes are long gone. I was in the middle of losing weight, swearing to never see size 26 again. Well, I’ve managed to keep to that one. Unfortunately, I’ll also never see size 10 again. Or 12 for that matter. Hell, I’d be happy with 16 right now. All the business clothes I had back then, had I not given them away, wouldn’t fit anyway. I had to replace them. I didn’t even buy that much. Really, I have about six pieces appropriate for white collar work now, including a pair of slacks that have been waiting to be hemmed for, oh, six months, now. Nothing I can really do about it now.
I need to get to work. I have several assignments to complete this week, as soon as possible. And I have to find some way to ignore the ominous noise I hear over my head, a noise that sounds an awful lot like a huge leak overhead. I’ve never heard that noise before, although that could be due to other noises I usually have, like the television or radio. I know I’ve heard the random thunk here and there, but I attributed those mostly to the house settling. It’s over 30 years old and not built on the most stable of surfaces. I figure in another 30 years, it will have split in half. I’ll be long gone by then. I think, yes, I think I need to find a way to further distract myself from that noise. Nothing I can do about it right now anyway. Besides, it stopped raining. I can see Pike’s Peak for the first time since Friday morning. Or was that Thursday?
Surprisingly, my ceiling hasn’t really leaked all that much. I did have roofers come out last month after a particularly heavy deluge. I had my own private waterfall in my living room. The roofers did what they could, but they also mentioned the windows need to be replaced. There’s one in particular, my skylight over my bathroom and upstairs hallway. That one I can see is in bad shape even from 10 feet below. That’s the biggest culprit. Nonetheless, they did what they could and told me they’d come back if needed. Fortunately, the roof falls under the province of the HOA. Unfortunately, the windows do not. One more thing. They must have accomplished something, though, because I’ve yet to experience the same level of drippage as I did before they came. One in the same spot I’ve seen it for years, and one very small leak in the new area. Based on where the leaks are, it’s probably my window. The one in desperate need of being replaced.
Rain does have one fairly universal effect, it tends to bring on a malaise. And for someone who’s already down naturally, it can get pretty severe. But, you do what you can. Soldier on, try to accomplish what needs to be done. Yeah, so far, that hasn’t worked out so good. My third class for the quarter has begun. I have an assignment due tomorrow, and I haven’t even cracked the book, yet. I’m behind in my other two classes, also fairly work-intensive, and I don’t know how easy it will be for me to catch up. I’m going to have to go with “Not.”
This really concerns me, because I do need to find a job. A source of income other than the student loans I’ve been living on since my unemployment ran out and my pension was cashed in. So far, I’m okay, but that won’t last long. My student loan payments are quarterly, and not enough to cover all my expenses. Even if I eliminate all luxuries and semi-luxuries, it’s not enough to pay my mortgage, phone and groceries. I’m constantly amazed, though, at the fact I’ve managed to go almost an entire year without an earned income. Sure, there was some left-handed luck involved, particularly the settlement from my accident in November, but mostly, it was unemployment, student loans, and being cheap. Most of the time.
Despite the fact that I get extremely tense when I feel like I’m going broke, I have had episodes of spendthrift behavior. Not lately, but it’s happened. And to be perfectly honest, one of those episodes was actually necessary, although I still have trouble reconciling that. I went shopping. I realized some time ago that if I wanted to get into accounting, I’d need to add a few things to my wardrobe, things that made me look a little more professional and white collar. Yes, I’ve worked in offices, for major companies. I’ve worked in a corporate headquarters of a Fortune 500 company (Fortune 100, I think). And for that job, I did have to have more appropriate clothing than I do now. Of course, those clothes are long gone. I was in the middle of losing weight, swearing to never see size 26 again. Well, I’ve managed to keep to that one. Unfortunately, I’ll also never see size 10 again. Or 12 for that matter. Hell, I’d be happy with 16 right now. All the business clothes I had back then, had I not given them away, wouldn’t fit anyway. I had to replace them. I didn’t even buy that much. Really, I have about six pieces appropriate for white collar work now, including a pair of slacks that have been waiting to be hemmed for, oh, six months, now. Nothing I can really do about it now.
I need to get to work. I have several assignments to complete this week, as soon as possible. And I have to find some way to ignore the ominous noise I hear over my head, a noise that sounds an awful lot like a huge leak overhead. I’ve never heard that noise before, although that could be due to other noises I usually have, like the television or radio. I know I’ve heard the random thunk here and there, but I attributed those mostly to the house settling. It’s over 30 years old and not built on the most stable of surfaces. I figure in another 30 years, it will have split in half. I’ll be long gone by then. I think, yes, I think I need to find a way to further distract myself from that noise. Nothing I can do about it right now anyway. Besides, it stopped raining. I can see Pike’s Peak for the first time since Friday morning. Or was that Thursday?
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