Stream of Consciousness 06/08

The television is showing the potential Olympians in track and field, now, earlier they were showing gymnastics, and tennis before that. I also have a feed from 181fm playing. It’s less distracting than you might think. I tried a little earlier to work on my accounting homework, but apparently I left my attention span somewhere. I missed class last week because both my kidney disease and twisted spine conspired to keep me housebound. I still think my mom may have had kidney disease, just based on completely observational evidence. Too many similarities between her and myself, and I know that PKD can go undiagnosed. Mine would have eventually come to the fore, due to the severity of the cysts, but plenty others don’t. I wonder sometimes how large my kidneys are now. It’s been over a year since my nephrologist (renal specialist) told me my kidneys were an estimated 10 lbs each. Both are also pushing a foot in length, 3-4 times as much volume as they should have. Considering I’m stuck carrying mammaries of Dolly Parton proportions (no, you DON’T want them), it makes life even more uncomfortable, since in order to walk upright, I must immobilize them with steel-reinforced lycra. The wires and elastic add pressure to my kidneys. Like it wasn’t bad enough I couldn’t find a button-down shirt that fit.

By the way, bra measurements are in inches and cups. The inches measure the width of the rib cage, nothing more. Well, for the properly-fitted and manufactured bras it is, anyway. The cup is the size of the actual breast. A 40D is not that large, really, just a wide ribcage. Same with a 44D, although this is likely to include a significant layer of subcutaneous fat. Sorry, pet peeve of mine. My rib cage is 34 inches. VERY narrow, especially for a build where 140 lbs is too thin. I know, I’ve been there. So it’s all up front. I have to special-order bras to get ones that fit. As an added bonus, it’s the first place I gain and the last place I lose weight. And since the first dose of lisinopril (lye-SIN-o-pril) made me barely functional in February of 2003, I haven’t actually been able to consistently work out, so now I’m more squishy than ever I was, even though I still weigh probably 30 lbs less than my highest weight, 50 if the kidney weight is discounted. I discontinued the lisinopril, a favorite bp med for kidney patients, because at the extremely low dose of 10 mg, I saw spots walking up to my third-floor apartment. Of course, I’d also just gained 50 lbs on the even lower dose of 5 mg. And the constant coughing, another side effect, pretty much ruined my voice. I was able to recover from that for a while, until my kidneys grew to the point where they put more pressure on my stomach and dramatically increased my acid reflux. My voice is now pretty much gone. That hurts more than anything, really. I try not to think about it. If you could have heard me before…

I’m also trying not to think about the fact that if I don’t get a job by September, I’m going to be in real trouble. Unemployment in Colorado is estimated at 7.1%, slightly higher than the national average. And the jobs that are available do in fact pay less than the jobs that have been lost. Plus, having a bachelor’s degree, I’m having a hard time finding another job. Overqualified. Not just the degree, but the work experience. I’m not looking that hard right now, though, my resume does include the fact I’m actively pursuing an MBA-Accounting, and if I thought I was having a hard time finding a job before, that little blurb makes it even harder. Why train someone who’s just going to leave for another job? I’m very stressed about it, really, and unfortunately, my stress plays out in all sorts of destructive ways. Mostly by spending money I shouldn’t on things I don’t need, while neglecting essentials.

One major essential, though, is a plumber. The ceiling in my living room has leaked almost since I moved in. Best I can figure, it was a DIY home improvement gone wrong. Anyway, it’s calmed down a little in the past few days, but that doesn’t mean anything. I probably have a huge colony of toxic mold just under the tiles in my bathroom, and I know there’s significant water damage. My insurance would cover the repairs for that, but it wouldn’t cover the initial visit from a plumber to fix the leak in the first place. Not really sure where it is, either. The unit next door had some flooding last year, some pipe had broken between our units. The owner (not the resident) didn’t bother to have insurance on the place, so he scrambled around trying to find someone to pay for the repairs. I agreed to pay for half of the repairs to the plumbing, not the contractor, but got the statement about two weeks after my layoff was announced. I paid half of the statement I was presented, but there was no way I was going to pay the rest. He later petitioned our HOA to pay for it. Shortly after that, our HOA required everyone to provide proof of insurance. It’s required by the HOA anyway, they just hadn’t enforced it. I’ve had too many friends who were robbed or in fires or other disasters to not have at least renters’ insurance. Since I own the place, I also have condo insurance to cover what the HOA won’t. And it’s pretty clear what they won’t cover, it’s not like it’s any sort of mystery or anything.

And I’m homesick. It gets worse every year. I keep thinking I’ll be here for 10 or 20 years at least, then the homesickness hits. And it hits hard. I have a family reunion over the 4th of July weekend, and I’m going home for that. And I’ll hate leaving. I tear up, if not downright cry, when I leave Cincinnati. Every time. And really, there isn’t that much there for me. Sure, my family is there, but most of them keep forgetting my name’s not Rosie (my mother), and treat me accordingly. It’s really annoying and frustrating.

My vocabulary is devolving, time to walk away. Maybe I’ll be able to get back to my accounting tonight. I hope so. There’s so much to do.