Growing up, we went to church on a fairly regular basis. I attended Sunday school, the children’s services, vacation Bible school in the summer, and other church activities. For me, Christmas and Easter have always been religious observances. Before opening any gifts or eating any candy, we read the scriptures relating to each holiday, to remind us what we were really celebrating. There were also the church services, although we didn’t always attend. The church was usually full of what were referred to as C & E Christians, people who only went to church on Christmas and Easter. And Mother’s Day. Not Father’s Day, which is a little telling, but that’s for another time. Anyway, the minister always pulled out his A-game sermon, trying to get some of these occasional visitors into members. I know it worked from time to time, people do tend to feel guilty for only going once in a while. But that’s something between them and God.
There were nativity scenes in city parks and other municipal areas, people said Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays. People spouting “Jesus is the reason for the season” weren’t looked upon as zealots, at least, not the ones who, well, weren’t zealots, and TV specials mentioned the birth of Christ or had some religious flavor to them. But as Christmas has become more and more commercial, TV shows have become more about peace on earth and goodwill toward men, declaiming this as the meaning of Christmas. People from all walks of life, and many religions, will celebrate Christmas this year, not as a celebration of the birth of Christ, but as a celebration of conspicuous consumption and an opportunity to assuage some guilt by donating a couple bucks to the Salvation Army.
I enjoy the decorations and TV specials, the lights and sounds and smells that are associated with Christmas, and I really do appreciate the secular reason for the season, the non-cynical one, the peace and goodwill thing. But it bothers me - no, disturbs me - that there are so many who observe Christmas as a secular holiday, disregarding the true meaning, a mass to honor Christ (Christ Mass). I’m not particularly worried about Christianity going away, that’s as likely as Judaism or Islam disappearing off the face of the earth. It ain’t gonna happen, not any time soon. But the secularization of Christmas, that worries me.
I’ll continue to remember exactly what the day actually means. I will continue to celebrate the birth of Christ. And while it bothers me that others won’t, well, that’s their business. So I’ll say to you, Merry Christmas.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Cleopatra, Queen of Denial
Currently unemployed, car may or may not be fixed, unable to pay my mortgage, and as an added bonus, gaining weight, I’m a little stressed. But while I sit at home, not interacting with others, I’m okay. I’m not happy, but I’m okay. Soon as I leave the house, though…
Today, I did a little shopping. Necessities, just groceries and liquor (I did say necessities), but it was out in public. I had to actually get dressed and become suitable for public consumption. So I hopped into my rental car, paid for by the insurance company that is either paying to repair my car or going to total it out, and off I went to one of eight Super Wal-Marts in the greater Colorado Springs area. No biggie, nice weather, good drive. I pull into the parking lot and in I go. About five minutes in, I started to feel miserable. I kept looking around the store at things that, once upon a time, I gave not a second thought. This time, I looked with an eye toward value. Pretty sad if you’re looking for the cheapest stuff at Wal-Mart.
I gathered up the few items I needed to purchase and dragged myself to the checkout, not bothering to stop in the videos section, where I’ve found numerous $5 DVDs, no stopping in the candy aisle or health & beauty, just directly to the grocery section. Now, I can easily spend two hours in any grocery store, not necessarily buying anything, just looking. I don’t know why, but the looking is pleasurable to me. Probably something to do with a primitive hunter-gatherer instinct. I enjoy wandering around malls, too. And Wal-Mart and Target, they have everything in one place, particularly the super versions of each store. While I can’t blow as much time there as in a mall or a bookstore, I can still eat up a good chunk.
Not today. Today, I just went through the store and picked up the things I needed. Why? Because I have no income right now. Because I can’t pay my bills. Because I’m feeling the pressure of not being able to support myself. I know it’s going to be tough, too. I’m starting my MBA-Accounting in January. I have financial aid, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still need an income. With my current health problems, I’m fairly limited on job options. Since I don’t have any accounting experience, I can’t even sign up with AccounTemps for a temporary job. I do have unemployment, since I was laid off from work, but I’ve yet to receive dime one from that. As an added bonus, I no longer have health insurance. I have about 60-70% kidney function. I take 4 different pills to control my blood pressure. I take one more just so I can function in this society that values the drone more than the artist. Not that I’d do too well as an artist, I have personality traits that directly conflict with success in any artistic endeavor. Basically, I need to be independently wealthy, but that’s another story entirely.
With health insurance, I was paying up to $100/month on medications. Without it, well, a couple of them won’t change, but most of them will. Only one of my drugs doesn’t have a generic equivalent, I’ve stopped taking that one for that reason. Of the others, only two are already less than $5. The rest, I don’t know. I could still have to pay over $100/month for medications. I refilled as much as I could before I left, so I’ve got meds through January, possibly February if I make them stretch, but after that…
This is where my mind went in the span of about 30 seconds, the time it took for me to take a cart at the main entrance and pass the back of the cash registers. So I didn’t dawdle, I just went about my business looking for the things I needed, reminding myself of the things I already have. I couldn’t find the energy to wander like I usually do.
I’ve been broke before. But I had an income. This, this is worse. I don’t know from day to day whether or not I’ll be able to make any payments to anyone. I spent the past two years rebuilding my credit, and now, it’s just going to go back down the drain. And this time, it’ll be worse, because there’s a mortgage involved.
My mind doesn’t tend to wander to these things when I’m home, only when I go out of the house. So, as long as I don’t go anywhere, I can still function, mostly. I can still pretend that this isn’t happening, that everything is going to be okay.
Today, I did a little shopping. Necessities, just groceries and liquor (I did say necessities), but it was out in public. I had to actually get dressed and become suitable for public consumption. So I hopped into my rental car, paid for by the insurance company that is either paying to repair my car or going to total it out, and off I went to one of eight Super Wal-Marts in the greater Colorado Springs area. No biggie, nice weather, good drive. I pull into the parking lot and in I go. About five minutes in, I started to feel miserable. I kept looking around the store at things that, once upon a time, I gave not a second thought. This time, I looked with an eye toward value. Pretty sad if you’re looking for the cheapest stuff at Wal-Mart.
I gathered up the few items I needed to purchase and dragged myself to the checkout, not bothering to stop in the videos section, where I’ve found numerous $5 DVDs, no stopping in the candy aisle or health & beauty, just directly to the grocery section. Now, I can easily spend two hours in any grocery store, not necessarily buying anything, just looking. I don’t know why, but the looking is pleasurable to me. Probably something to do with a primitive hunter-gatherer instinct. I enjoy wandering around malls, too. And Wal-Mart and Target, they have everything in one place, particularly the super versions of each store. While I can’t blow as much time there as in a mall or a bookstore, I can still eat up a good chunk.
Not today. Today, I just went through the store and picked up the things I needed. Why? Because I have no income right now. Because I can’t pay my bills. Because I’m feeling the pressure of not being able to support myself. I know it’s going to be tough, too. I’m starting my MBA-Accounting in January. I have financial aid, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still need an income. With my current health problems, I’m fairly limited on job options. Since I don’t have any accounting experience, I can’t even sign up with AccounTemps for a temporary job. I do have unemployment, since I was laid off from work, but I’ve yet to receive dime one from that. As an added bonus, I no longer have health insurance. I have about 60-70% kidney function. I take 4 different pills to control my blood pressure. I take one more just so I can function in this society that values the drone more than the artist. Not that I’d do too well as an artist, I have personality traits that directly conflict with success in any artistic endeavor. Basically, I need to be independently wealthy, but that’s another story entirely.
With health insurance, I was paying up to $100/month on medications. Without it, well, a couple of them won’t change, but most of them will. Only one of my drugs doesn’t have a generic equivalent, I’ve stopped taking that one for that reason. Of the others, only two are already less than $5. The rest, I don’t know. I could still have to pay over $100/month for medications. I refilled as much as I could before I left, so I’ve got meds through January, possibly February if I make them stretch, but after that…
This is where my mind went in the span of about 30 seconds, the time it took for me to take a cart at the main entrance and pass the back of the cash registers. So I didn’t dawdle, I just went about my business looking for the things I needed, reminding myself of the things I already have. I couldn’t find the energy to wander like I usually do.
I’ve been broke before. But I had an income. This, this is worse. I don’t know from day to day whether or not I’ll be able to make any payments to anyone. I spent the past two years rebuilding my credit, and now, it’s just going to go back down the drain. And this time, it’ll be worse, because there’s a mortgage involved.
My mind doesn’t tend to wander to these things when I’m home, only when I go out of the house. So, as long as I don’t go anywhere, I can still function, mostly. I can still pretend that this isn’t happening, that everything is going to be okay.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Random Thoughts
Well, here we are, just two weeks to Christmas, and I have no income. Even better than that, I have no money to pay my mortgage or HOA dues. The mortgage, I’ll get over. It’ll be a while before they foreclose on me. The HOA dues are a different story. My dues pay my utilities as well as maintenance, and the HOA will turn off my power if I don’t pay. I did let them know back in October that there would come a time when I couldn’t pay, but I never got a response on anything they would be willing to do, or how they’d be willing to work with me on that. Irritating. My father sent me some money, which is good, because that’s what I’m living on now. If not for that act of generosity, I wouldn’t even have any food in the house. And while I could stand to lose a few pounds, that’s not the way to do it. I’ve yet to receive dime one from unemployment, which would have at least kept me in the black a little longer.
As for school, my financial aid has been packaged, meaning it’s been accepted. Still don’t know if that means the entire amount I requested or just a fraction of it, but classes will be paid for. Classes start in January, and I am looking forward to getting that started, but I still have to pay for my living expenses. I’m stressing about having to sell my house, something that is becoming more and more likely as time goes by. Not really a good thing, since the market is so miserable and my house needs work. Work I can’t afford to do. Some, I could, but I physically can’t do it myself any more, and I can’t afford to hire a professional to do it for me. Anyway, once financial aid kicks in, I should be okay for a bit, but I’ve no idea when that will be, or how far behind I’ll be once I do get it.
The first week of January, I will be starting a tax class, something with a local tax office, which may give me some income at least, something to try and get current on my bills. Really not a great thing, because it could also negate my unemployment insurance benefits, but since I haven’t received any money yet anyway, I guess it doesn’t much matter.
My car is being fixed, though, so that’s good. I have a rental, paid by the insurance company, so I can get around if I need to. I have nothing in particular planned this week, so it’ll likely sit in my parking space for now, getting cold and snowy. Well, it’s covered parking, so not that snowy. It’s not the most conveniently placed spot, but really, after the first frost, I was sold on having to make the trek to the carport.
The world is going to hell in a hand basket, and I’m worried about having a roof over my head. Hmm. No, priorities are all in place. I have to decide, though, which of my luxuries will go first. Will it be my satellite, my cell phone, my internet? Well, TV reception is miserable here, and there are no rooftop antennas. I live alone, so I have no one else to occupy my time, and I don’t handle quiet isolation well at all. Already tried it. My cell phone has free long distance, which allows me to call my family if I really need to, without having to call them collect. Both cost about the same each month, although the cell does tend to go a little higher, what with text messages. My internet, that’s the last thing to go. I have dialup. It’s $15/month. And without a cell phone, it’s the only other way I can really get in touch with my family. There are no other luxuries. Just bills.
Yeah, I’m a little tense, a little stressed about what’s going to happen to me over the next few months. Without an income, I can’t pay bills, and if I can’t pay bills, I can’t even fall back on living on my credit card, which bailed me out back when I first moved to this city, and in fact, is part of the reason why I never really was able to build up much of a savings.
As for school, my financial aid has been packaged, meaning it’s been accepted. Still don’t know if that means the entire amount I requested or just a fraction of it, but classes will be paid for. Classes start in January, and I am looking forward to getting that started, but I still have to pay for my living expenses. I’m stressing about having to sell my house, something that is becoming more and more likely as time goes by. Not really a good thing, since the market is so miserable and my house needs work. Work I can’t afford to do. Some, I could, but I physically can’t do it myself any more, and I can’t afford to hire a professional to do it for me. Anyway, once financial aid kicks in, I should be okay for a bit, but I’ve no idea when that will be, or how far behind I’ll be once I do get it.
The first week of January, I will be starting a tax class, something with a local tax office, which may give me some income at least, something to try and get current on my bills. Really not a great thing, because it could also negate my unemployment insurance benefits, but since I haven’t received any money yet anyway, I guess it doesn’t much matter.
My car is being fixed, though, so that’s good. I have a rental, paid by the insurance company, so I can get around if I need to. I have nothing in particular planned this week, so it’ll likely sit in my parking space for now, getting cold and snowy. Well, it’s covered parking, so not that snowy. It’s not the most conveniently placed spot, but really, after the first frost, I was sold on having to make the trek to the carport.
The world is going to hell in a hand basket, and I’m worried about having a roof over my head. Hmm. No, priorities are all in place. I have to decide, though, which of my luxuries will go first. Will it be my satellite, my cell phone, my internet? Well, TV reception is miserable here, and there are no rooftop antennas. I live alone, so I have no one else to occupy my time, and I don’t handle quiet isolation well at all. Already tried it. My cell phone has free long distance, which allows me to call my family if I really need to, without having to call them collect. Both cost about the same each month, although the cell does tend to go a little higher, what with text messages. My internet, that’s the last thing to go. I have dialup. It’s $15/month. And without a cell phone, it’s the only other way I can really get in touch with my family. There are no other luxuries. Just bills.
Yeah, I’m a little tense, a little stressed about what’s going to happen to me over the next few months. Without an income, I can’t pay bills, and if I can’t pay bills, I can’t even fall back on living on my credit card, which bailed me out back when I first moved to this city, and in fact, is part of the reason why I never really was able to build up much of a savings.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
This is Insane!
A little after midnight, Mountain Standard Time, Sunday, December 9, a gunman opened fire in Arvada, Colorado, a suburb of Denver, at a Youth Missionary center. He was turned away for a bed for the night. No details, it’s highly likely the mission had a valid reason for turning him away. Even if their reasoning was specious, however, that does not give him the right to kill two people.
Just after one PM, Mountain Standard Time, Sunday, December 9, a gunman opened fire in Colorado Springs, Colorado, in the parking lot of New Life Church, the largest church in the state (membership in excess of 10,000). The gunman took one life, a security guard took his. At the time the gunman was on site, the campus had about 7,000 people, as estimated by the pastor in an interview.
At last check, it wasn’t clear if the gunman in Arvada was the same as the gunman in Colorado Springs. He had plenty of time, though, it’s only about 65 miles between the two, and I-25, when it’s not backed up and overloaded is a pretty fair route to take. Of course, there was crossing Monument Hill, which, I promise you, is not fun. It’s 1,000 feet higher than the Springs and 2,000 feet higher than Denver, and we just recently had a bit of a storm blow through. But it’s not impossible.
Because both shootings were at religious establishments, the entire investigation may go federal, and be considered a hate crime.
On the one hand, it’s horrible to think someone would do something like this, take a shot at people who were participating in their religions. On the other hand, is it any worse because it was a church or a mission, instead of a shopping mall or school? No.
One thing that sticks in my head, though, one thing that I can’t stop thinking about, is a comment by a local newscaster. He began his report by talking about church, about that being the one place people think they’re safe. I don’t know what world he’s been living in, but there are hundreds of people who can attest that church is not the safest place to be. People who were in church when a bomb went off. Considering the degree of this tragedy, because people lost their lives, regardless of where they were, I know I need to let this go, but it does bother me, quite a bit, that the reporter would so callously disregard the highly-publicized hate crimes of the past, some quite recent. Those crimes weren’t based on religion, but on race.
The New Life Church is about 10 miles from here. They’ve had other problems in the recent past, things that, I hope, have nothing to do with today’s shooting. I don’t know. I don’t understand why someone would feel the need to kill someone. That’s not to say that I’ve never been very upset with someone, that I’ve not fantasized about killing someone. But there’s a HUGE leap from thought to deed. I’ve joked about going on a shooting spree and have been shut down by the PC police, but again, it’s not something I’d ever actually do. This is a lot to process.
My thoughts and prayers are with the people who were injured and their families, and the families of those who were lost. Including the gunman.
Just after one PM, Mountain Standard Time, Sunday, December 9, a gunman opened fire in Colorado Springs, Colorado, in the parking lot of New Life Church, the largest church in the state (membership in excess of 10,000). The gunman took one life, a security guard took his. At the time the gunman was on site, the campus had about 7,000 people, as estimated by the pastor in an interview.
At last check, it wasn’t clear if the gunman in Arvada was the same as the gunman in Colorado Springs. He had plenty of time, though, it’s only about 65 miles between the two, and I-25, when it’s not backed up and overloaded is a pretty fair route to take. Of course, there was crossing Monument Hill, which, I promise you, is not fun. It’s 1,000 feet higher than the Springs and 2,000 feet higher than Denver, and we just recently had a bit of a storm blow through. But it’s not impossible.
Because both shootings were at religious establishments, the entire investigation may go federal, and be considered a hate crime.
On the one hand, it’s horrible to think someone would do something like this, take a shot at people who were participating in their religions. On the other hand, is it any worse because it was a church or a mission, instead of a shopping mall or school? No.
One thing that sticks in my head, though, one thing that I can’t stop thinking about, is a comment by a local newscaster. He began his report by talking about church, about that being the one place people think they’re safe. I don’t know what world he’s been living in, but there are hundreds of people who can attest that church is not the safest place to be. People who were in church when a bomb went off. Considering the degree of this tragedy, because people lost their lives, regardless of where they were, I know I need to let this go, but it does bother me, quite a bit, that the reporter would so callously disregard the highly-publicized hate crimes of the past, some quite recent. Those crimes weren’t based on religion, but on race.
The New Life Church is about 10 miles from here. They’ve had other problems in the recent past, things that, I hope, have nothing to do with today’s shooting. I don’t know. I don’t understand why someone would feel the need to kill someone. That’s not to say that I’ve never been very upset with someone, that I’ve not fantasized about killing someone. But there’s a HUGE leap from thought to deed. I’ve joked about going on a shooting spree and have been shut down by the PC police, but again, it’s not something I’d ever actually do. This is a lot to process.
My thoughts and prayers are with the people who were injured and their families, and the families of those who were lost. Including the gunman.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Losing Track of Time
Losing Track of Time
I’ve always had mornings where I woke up in a panic, convinced I forgot to set my alarm, something that has happened in reality only twice in the past 10 years or so. Some of those mornings are work days, and I wake up a good 45 minutes - if I’m lucky - to three hours before my alarm gets up. And then, I’m up. Awake. Wide awake. Three hours before I have to get out of bed? Doesn’t matter, I can’t get back to sleep. Then there are the Saturday or Sunday mornings I wake up panicked about getting ready for work. Sure, other people do that sort of thing, but do they do it almost every weekend? As for knowing how long something actually takes, I’m not very good at judging. How long does it take to make the same breakfast I‘ve made for years, the breakfast I make before work - when I had a job - and make on the weekends? I‘ve no idea. Well, no, that’s not true. I know it takes somewhere between ten minutes and half an hour. Took me a few years to be able to figure out that much. Any more specific than that, I can’t do.
So what’s causing this complete lack of understanding about time? Well, experts say it’s ADD. Yet another symptom. It’s a tricky thing, there are things that happen to everyone at some point and time. Everyone has a hard time judging time now and again. Everyone has trouble focusing on something, especially something they’re not interested in. Everyone has difficulty prioritizing at times. For me, it’s daily. This isn’t an occasional thing, this is normal for me. Each day, when I wake, I have no idea what day of the week it is. I do have some idea what time it is, but that’s in part due to a game I play in the mornings. Once my eyes open, and I realize that there’s no chance of going back to sleep, I try to determine what time it is. Originally born of frustration, now it’s just something I do. Not consciously, one might even say it’s a bit compulsive. But that’s a whole ‘nuther disorder. Throughout the year, I try to judge the time based on the light coming through the window. At two in the morning, this is a bit trickier, of course, and the game does change based on the time of the year. 6:30 AM looks very different between June and December. But I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Up to a point. Before 3:30 AM, after 9:30 AM, it’s much more difficult. Still do it sometimes, based on how tired I feel, based on anything else I’ve done that evening, or what I’ve read before going to sleep, or if I’ve taken anything for pain. Chronic pain, got prescriptions for that, only take them when I have to.
Then there’s the day of the week. Everyone has had days when they were just off, when they thought it was Wednesday on Tuesday, Friday on Wednesday. It happens. The more stressed a person becomes, the more likely it becomes. Based on that reasoning, I’m constantly in a state of stress. I’m really not. I just have no sense of time. None. I keep calendars in my house for the specific purpose of knowing what day of the week it is. I can be watching a television show that only comes on Wednesdays, and still need reminding what day of the week it is. It’s even worse if the networks move a show temporarily, or permanently. I’m lost, then. In the mornings, I watch the Today show on NBC. No reason other than it was on the air until 10:00 AM, and I didn’t have to leave the house until 9:30 to get to work. Before my shift changed, I watched CBS this morning, simply because I watch CBS Sunday Morning when I’m up and home, and it‘s familiar. No Good Morning America since I was a kid. But that’s not the point. The Today show is on 7 days a week. While I can’t necessarily remember what day it is, I can usually use that to at least tell me whether or not it’s a weekday. Even when the weekend hosts substitute, I know.
The first time I took an ADD medication, I realized that it was possible to have some sense of time. Still not perfect, but better than without. It was amazing. It was like someone had turned on a switch I never knew was there. At the time, I was packing up to leave a convention. There was one more session I wanted to attend, but I needed to check out of my room before going. I was not only able to pack myself up, but my erstwhile roommate in 15 minutes total, leaving plenty of time to grab a quick bite before going to the last session. Before that little pill kicked in, both I and my roommate were staring at the room, trying to determine where to start, trying to find the fastest way to get everything packed up and out of there.
How long does it take me to take a shower? What if I wash my hair, how much longer? How much time do I need to sort my laundry? Do I have enough time to vacuum the entire house during this commercial break? Do I have time to stop at McDonald’s before going to my meeting in 15 minutes? If I leave the house at 9:40, do I have enough time to get to work, even with traffic? With or without medication, I still have a miserable sense of time. The difference with medication is at least I don’t distract as easily.
I’ve always had mornings where I woke up in a panic, convinced I forgot to set my alarm, something that has happened in reality only twice in the past 10 years or so. Some of those mornings are work days, and I wake up a good 45 minutes - if I’m lucky - to three hours before my alarm gets up. And then, I’m up. Awake. Wide awake. Three hours before I have to get out of bed? Doesn’t matter, I can’t get back to sleep. Then there are the Saturday or Sunday mornings I wake up panicked about getting ready for work. Sure, other people do that sort of thing, but do they do it almost every weekend? As for knowing how long something actually takes, I’m not very good at judging. How long does it take to make the same breakfast I‘ve made for years, the breakfast I make before work - when I had a job - and make on the weekends? I‘ve no idea. Well, no, that’s not true. I know it takes somewhere between ten minutes and half an hour. Took me a few years to be able to figure out that much. Any more specific than that, I can’t do.
So what’s causing this complete lack of understanding about time? Well, experts say it’s ADD. Yet another symptom. It’s a tricky thing, there are things that happen to everyone at some point and time. Everyone has a hard time judging time now and again. Everyone has trouble focusing on something, especially something they’re not interested in. Everyone has difficulty prioritizing at times. For me, it’s daily. This isn’t an occasional thing, this is normal for me. Each day, when I wake, I have no idea what day of the week it is. I do have some idea what time it is, but that’s in part due to a game I play in the mornings. Once my eyes open, and I realize that there’s no chance of going back to sleep, I try to determine what time it is. Originally born of frustration, now it’s just something I do. Not consciously, one might even say it’s a bit compulsive. But that’s a whole ‘nuther disorder. Throughout the year, I try to judge the time based on the light coming through the window. At two in the morning, this is a bit trickier, of course, and the game does change based on the time of the year. 6:30 AM looks very different between June and December. But I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Up to a point. Before 3:30 AM, after 9:30 AM, it’s much more difficult. Still do it sometimes, based on how tired I feel, based on anything else I’ve done that evening, or what I’ve read before going to sleep, or if I’ve taken anything for pain. Chronic pain, got prescriptions for that, only take them when I have to.
Then there’s the day of the week. Everyone has had days when they were just off, when they thought it was Wednesday on Tuesday, Friday on Wednesday. It happens. The more stressed a person becomes, the more likely it becomes. Based on that reasoning, I’m constantly in a state of stress. I’m really not. I just have no sense of time. None. I keep calendars in my house for the specific purpose of knowing what day of the week it is. I can be watching a television show that only comes on Wednesdays, and still need reminding what day of the week it is. It’s even worse if the networks move a show temporarily, or permanently. I’m lost, then. In the mornings, I watch the Today show on NBC. No reason other than it was on the air until 10:00 AM, and I didn’t have to leave the house until 9:30 to get to work. Before my shift changed, I watched CBS this morning, simply because I watch CBS Sunday Morning when I’m up and home, and it‘s familiar. No Good Morning America since I was a kid. But that’s not the point. The Today show is on 7 days a week. While I can’t necessarily remember what day it is, I can usually use that to at least tell me whether or not it’s a weekday. Even when the weekend hosts substitute, I know.
The first time I took an ADD medication, I realized that it was possible to have some sense of time. Still not perfect, but better than without. It was amazing. It was like someone had turned on a switch I never knew was there. At the time, I was packing up to leave a convention. There was one more session I wanted to attend, but I needed to check out of my room before going. I was not only able to pack myself up, but my erstwhile roommate in 15 minutes total, leaving plenty of time to grab a quick bite before going to the last session. Before that little pill kicked in, both I and my roommate were staring at the room, trying to determine where to start, trying to find the fastest way to get everything packed up and out of there.
How long does it take me to take a shower? What if I wash my hair, how much longer? How much time do I need to sort my laundry? Do I have enough time to vacuum the entire house during this commercial break? Do I have time to stop at McDonald’s before going to my meeting in 15 minutes? If I leave the house at 9:40, do I have enough time to get to work, even with traffic? With or without medication, I still have a miserable sense of time. The difference with medication is at least I don’t distract as easily.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Abby-Somthing...
There are good times and bad times, times when my considerable intellect (no, really, not bragging) covers my backside in most unusual ways, and times when I can’t think my way out of a paper bag. This is one of the latter times.
I lost my job in September. I’ve been looking for work since. Granted, I’ve been a little picky about where to work, but not just because of jobs I don’t want, but because of jobs I can’t, physically do. And it is very irritating, since I was not always such a useless lump. I used to be able to do hard labor, used to be able to lift 40 pounds, stand for 8 hours a day. Now, whatever I do, it has to be an office job. To make matters worse, though, I know that if I took a call center job, I would be out of work within a week, having lost my mind. I was fine with my last job until the phone rang. Not all of the calls were bad, in fact, most were just fine. But the calls interrupted the rest of my job, and made it much more difficult to accomplish anything. Throw in the fact that they were getting more and more particular about when someone went on break or to the bathroom…I’m too old and experienced to live like that. Call center employees aren’t trusted. I can’t take that any more. Not to mention I’m overqualified for most of them. Then there’s sales, something that is so alien to my personality, I wouldn’t last a day. Painfully shy people don’t make good sales people. Just look at my friends list. I’ve been on MySpace since July, and still only have 12 friends, five of which I’m related to. I’ve had other requests, sure, but they’re from people I didn’t know, and one thing I won’t be is a friend whore. Other than that, I don’t qualify for the remaining jobs available. I would have to drive to Denver, about 70 miles from here. Any idea how long a drive that is? That’s an hour and a half each way. Without traffic. Physically, I’m not sure I can even handle that.
Nice segue into health. I have no health insurance any more. My last day of coverage was Friday, November 30th. Only reason I had it that long was because I had enough time with my employer, I got a longer salary continuation period. While salary was continued, I had health insurance. For many people, not having insurance is a nuisance. Sometimes a problem, but usually only in emergency situations. Me, I take 4 different drugs to control my blood pressure. Diet and exercise? My BP went up when I was slim, trim, active and eating better than most. I know that won’t work. It’s my kidneys. This time last year, they were still at about 70% function. Probably lower now, based on blood work done in September.
Then there’s the piece de resistance...general functioning. I have mail built up from before I left for Tulsa that I haven’t opened. I have a house that needs to be picked up, needs to be vacuumed, the kitchen and bathroom mopped, the toilets both repaired, and I need to call my property maintenance to see why, exactly, my ceiling leaks. It’s been doing it for two years, off and on. It had stopped when a shared pipe had been fixed, but started up again. These are not complicated things to do. These are things people do all the time. I don’t have children or pets or parents to care for, my time isn’t divided infinitesimally, I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I have a drug for that, too. But, it’s so integral to my survival in work or school, I can’t make myself take it for being home. Would it help? I know it would. But, no health insurance. So once they’re gone, they’re gone. I can’t afford to get any more. And without that, I can’t function. I’ve tried. I’ve accomplished more than I used to be able to, in part because I finally knew I had to find a different way to do things, but it’s still nowhere near what someone at my age, and at my IQ, should be able to do on a normal day.
So which do I approach first? Do I straighten up my house so I feel better about myself? I already know that a clean and orderly home makes me more comfortable and productive. Do I take my little blue pill and get organized, running out just when I need it for my classes? Do I open my mail and find all sorts of missives that have to be handled? Do I take a call center job and find a way to suffer through it, assuming anyone would hire me rather than assuming I’m overqualified (have already been rejected twice)? Do I look into Medicaid so I can get coverage? What do I do?
Once upon a time, when I was active on a ADD message board, there was a post from another person titled “Paralysis of Will.” Very apt title, I thought. In fact, most of us thought that. It was one of the longest threads on the board, and one of the most active. Everyone had input at some point and time. There were new posts for two years. Why? Because the originator had posed questions that we all felt from time to time, things that seemed so obvious and easy, but we just couldn’t handle. Remember the Reebok “Just Do It” campaign? That was the most hurtful ad campaign for me. I would have loved to be able to “Just Do It,” but I can’t. Not without help. I have a prescription for Adderall. There is now a generic version, thankfully, but it’s still not cheap. And let’s face it, without an income, even $10 is expensive. I tried to make myself do things, I really did. Still do. Occasionally, it works, but only if it’s something like pick up this pillow and put it on that chair. I’ve tried stretching that out, making a plan for everything. But I get so completely overwhelmed. Placing a pillow on a chair can quickly turn into a complete remodel in my head. And of course, once I get to that remodel, then I think about the cost, where am I going to get the money, I need to be able to buy groceries and gas and stuff, and how in the world am I supposed to find a qualified contractor anyway, according to the news half of them are corrupt, then what about when the place is being remodeled, where am I going to stay? What if I forget to take something out of the house that I will need later, and can’t get it until they’re done, how uncomfortable would it be to stay in a hotel, never mind the expense, and the stress of not being in my home, then while remodeling, they find out the place isn’t structurally sound and the whole building has to come down, so not only am I out of a home, but so are the other five families in my building, then I have to find somewhere else to live and still pay a mortgage on a house I can’t live in, so I’ll be living on the street, except I won’t, I’ll have to move back home, and I’m nearly 40, there’s no good excuse for me to be homeless.
All that, from picking up a pillow. You may laugh, but those who truly have ADD will understand this. It’s not an exaggeration. This is an actual thought process. I haven’t learned where to stop.
The ADD board has since changed hands, and formats. It was at the time focused on Adults with ADD, something no other boards covered. Now it’s focused on kids and their parents. That’s all well and good for them, but it’s not like they don’t already have a bazillion other places to go for information and support. So, those of us of high intellect and low social function, we’re left out. Nowhere to go. Nowhere for support from people who can laugh and joke and play, and be serious, people who actually understand where you’re coming from.
I suppose, despite the fact that my blood pressure can lead to a stroke and will decrease my kidney function, bringing me ever closer to dialysis, despite the fact that without a job I will lose my house and have to move in with someone anyway, the largest issue I’m dealing with is ADD. I agree, it’s over-diagnosed. It’s also under-diagnosed. Basically, it’s incorrectly diagnosed. Parents want a compliant child, so they look until they get an ADD diagnosis. Children aren’t compliant, quiet, quiescent beings. It’s not their nature. They’re children. Children fidget when they’re bored. They say things at inappropriate times. They have difficulty focusing on things. They run around and scream when they’re excited. It’s NORMAL. But then, there are the other ones, the ones who take this behavior a step too far. I’m most familiar with the ones that may be labeled as either “gifted” or “underachiever,” or both. Kids who have higher than average intellects, based on standardized testing, but are barely getting through school. Maybe they aren’t doing their homework. Maybe they aren’t doing well on regular tests. Maybe they’re disruptive or just don’t show up for class. Which ones are normal but lazy, and which are having other problems, neurological or psychological problems that could be resolved with a little counseling, a little support, and maybe even medication? Which ones could be resolved with a shift in the priorities of our society? Which children need help, but aren’t getting it? Which ones are getting medication they don’t need?
I don’t blame my mother. Not at all. Looking back, there were a lot of things she did wrong, and a lot of things she did right. If anyone were to take an objective look back at their own childhoods, many would find the same. Girls weren’t diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid. Heck, the name had just been changed from minimal brain dysfunction. And me? Every standardized test I took, I scored in the 98th or higher percentile. I was just uninspired, bored, unchallenged according to my school. Except I wasn’t. As the years went by, my performance plummeted. Things that were easy when I was a kid were getting more and more difficult. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t pay attention to things that interested me. I never learned how to study, my mother didn’t know herself, so she couldn’t teach me. I managed to graduate college with a fair GPA, while my friends and classmates all got As and Bs. But I graduated.
I wish I’d never known about my test scores, about the tests that measured IQ. Based on where I was in elementary school, based on my IQ, I should have accomplished so much more. Instead, I’m stalled, negating all the things I‘ve actually done. Now I’m like someone without a college degree, without skills, and without drive or knowledge. I’m tired. I’m tired of this Abby Normal brain.
I lost my job in September. I’ve been looking for work since. Granted, I’ve been a little picky about where to work, but not just because of jobs I don’t want, but because of jobs I can’t, physically do. And it is very irritating, since I was not always such a useless lump. I used to be able to do hard labor, used to be able to lift 40 pounds, stand for 8 hours a day. Now, whatever I do, it has to be an office job. To make matters worse, though, I know that if I took a call center job, I would be out of work within a week, having lost my mind. I was fine with my last job until the phone rang. Not all of the calls were bad, in fact, most were just fine. But the calls interrupted the rest of my job, and made it much more difficult to accomplish anything. Throw in the fact that they were getting more and more particular about when someone went on break or to the bathroom…I’m too old and experienced to live like that. Call center employees aren’t trusted. I can’t take that any more. Not to mention I’m overqualified for most of them. Then there’s sales, something that is so alien to my personality, I wouldn’t last a day. Painfully shy people don’t make good sales people. Just look at my friends list. I’ve been on MySpace since July, and still only have 12 friends, five of which I’m related to. I’ve had other requests, sure, but they’re from people I didn’t know, and one thing I won’t be is a friend whore. Other than that, I don’t qualify for the remaining jobs available. I would have to drive to Denver, about 70 miles from here. Any idea how long a drive that is? That’s an hour and a half each way. Without traffic. Physically, I’m not sure I can even handle that.
Nice segue into health. I have no health insurance any more. My last day of coverage was Friday, November 30th. Only reason I had it that long was because I had enough time with my employer, I got a longer salary continuation period. While salary was continued, I had health insurance. For many people, not having insurance is a nuisance. Sometimes a problem, but usually only in emergency situations. Me, I take 4 different drugs to control my blood pressure. Diet and exercise? My BP went up when I was slim, trim, active and eating better than most. I know that won’t work. It’s my kidneys. This time last year, they were still at about 70% function. Probably lower now, based on blood work done in September.
Then there’s the piece de resistance...general functioning. I have mail built up from before I left for Tulsa that I haven’t opened. I have a house that needs to be picked up, needs to be vacuumed, the kitchen and bathroom mopped, the toilets both repaired, and I need to call my property maintenance to see why, exactly, my ceiling leaks. It’s been doing it for two years, off and on. It had stopped when a shared pipe had been fixed, but started up again. These are not complicated things to do. These are things people do all the time. I don’t have children or pets or parents to care for, my time isn’t divided infinitesimally, I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I have a drug for that, too. But, it’s so integral to my survival in work or school, I can’t make myself take it for being home. Would it help? I know it would. But, no health insurance. So once they’re gone, they’re gone. I can’t afford to get any more. And without that, I can’t function. I’ve tried. I’ve accomplished more than I used to be able to, in part because I finally knew I had to find a different way to do things, but it’s still nowhere near what someone at my age, and at my IQ, should be able to do on a normal day.
So which do I approach first? Do I straighten up my house so I feel better about myself? I already know that a clean and orderly home makes me more comfortable and productive. Do I take my little blue pill and get organized, running out just when I need it for my classes? Do I open my mail and find all sorts of missives that have to be handled? Do I take a call center job and find a way to suffer through it, assuming anyone would hire me rather than assuming I’m overqualified (have already been rejected twice)? Do I look into Medicaid so I can get coverage? What do I do?
Once upon a time, when I was active on a ADD message board, there was a post from another person titled “Paralysis of Will.” Very apt title, I thought. In fact, most of us thought that. It was one of the longest threads on the board, and one of the most active. Everyone had input at some point and time. There were new posts for two years. Why? Because the originator had posed questions that we all felt from time to time, things that seemed so obvious and easy, but we just couldn’t handle. Remember the Reebok “Just Do It” campaign? That was the most hurtful ad campaign for me. I would have loved to be able to “Just Do It,” but I can’t. Not without help. I have a prescription for Adderall. There is now a generic version, thankfully, but it’s still not cheap. And let’s face it, without an income, even $10 is expensive. I tried to make myself do things, I really did. Still do. Occasionally, it works, but only if it’s something like pick up this pillow and put it on that chair. I’ve tried stretching that out, making a plan for everything. But I get so completely overwhelmed. Placing a pillow on a chair can quickly turn into a complete remodel in my head. And of course, once I get to that remodel, then I think about the cost, where am I going to get the money, I need to be able to buy groceries and gas and stuff, and how in the world am I supposed to find a qualified contractor anyway, according to the news half of them are corrupt, then what about when the place is being remodeled, where am I going to stay? What if I forget to take something out of the house that I will need later, and can’t get it until they’re done, how uncomfortable would it be to stay in a hotel, never mind the expense, and the stress of not being in my home, then while remodeling, they find out the place isn’t structurally sound and the whole building has to come down, so not only am I out of a home, but so are the other five families in my building, then I have to find somewhere else to live and still pay a mortgage on a house I can’t live in, so I’ll be living on the street, except I won’t, I’ll have to move back home, and I’m nearly 40, there’s no good excuse for me to be homeless.
All that, from picking up a pillow. You may laugh, but those who truly have ADD will understand this. It’s not an exaggeration. This is an actual thought process. I haven’t learned where to stop.
The ADD board has since changed hands, and formats. It was at the time focused on Adults with ADD, something no other boards covered. Now it’s focused on kids and their parents. That’s all well and good for them, but it’s not like they don’t already have a bazillion other places to go for information and support. So, those of us of high intellect and low social function, we’re left out. Nowhere to go. Nowhere for support from people who can laugh and joke and play, and be serious, people who actually understand where you’re coming from.
I suppose, despite the fact that my blood pressure can lead to a stroke and will decrease my kidney function, bringing me ever closer to dialysis, despite the fact that without a job I will lose my house and have to move in with someone anyway, the largest issue I’m dealing with is ADD. I agree, it’s over-diagnosed. It’s also under-diagnosed. Basically, it’s incorrectly diagnosed. Parents want a compliant child, so they look until they get an ADD diagnosis. Children aren’t compliant, quiet, quiescent beings. It’s not their nature. They’re children. Children fidget when they’re bored. They say things at inappropriate times. They have difficulty focusing on things. They run around and scream when they’re excited. It’s NORMAL. But then, there are the other ones, the ones who take this behavior a step too far. I’m most familiar with the ones that may be labeled as either “gifted” or “underachiever,” or both. Kids who have higher than average intellects, based on standardized testing, but are barely getting through school. Maybe they aren’t doing their homework. Maybe they aren’t doing well on regular tests. Maybe they’re disruptive or just don’t show up for class. Which ones are normal but lazy, and which are having other problems, neurological or psychological problems that could be resolved with a little counseling, a little support, and maybe even medication? Which ones could be resolved with a shift in the priorities of our society? Which children need help, but aren’t getting it? Which ones are getting medication they don’t need?
I don’t blame my mother. Not at all. Looking back, there were a lot of things she did wrong, and a lot of things she did right. If anyone were to take an objective look back at their own childhoods, many would find the same. Girls weren’t diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid. Heck, the name had just been changed from minimal brain dysfunction. And me? Every standardized test I took, I scored in the 98th or higher percentile. I was just uninspired, bored, unchallenged according to my school. Except I wasn’t. As the years went by, my performance plummeted. Things that were easy when I was a kid were getting more and more difficult. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t pay attention to things that interested me. I never learned how to study, my mother didn’t know herself, so she couldn’t teach me. I managed to graduate college with a fair GPA, while my friends and classmates all got As and Bs. But I graduated.
I wish I’d never known about my test scores, about the tests that measured IQ. Based on where I was in elementary school, based on my IQ, I should have accomplished so much more. Instead, I’m stalled, negating all the things I‘ve actually done. Now I’m like someone without a college degree, without skills, and without drive or knowledge. I’m tired. I’m tired of this Abby Normal brain.
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