Abby-Somthing...

There are good times and bad times, times when my considerable intellect (no, really, not bragging) covers my backside in most unusual ways, and times when I can’t think my way out of a paper bag. This is one of the latter times.

I lost my job in September. I’ve been looking for work since. Granted, I’ve been a little picky about where to work, but not just because of jobs I don’t want, but because of jobs I can’t, physically do. And it is very irritating, since I was not always such a useless lump. I used to be able to do hard labor, used to be able to lift 40 pounds, stand for 8 hours a day. Now, whatever I do, it has to be an office job. To make matters worse, though, I know that if I took a call center job, I would be out of work within a week, having lost my mind. I was fine with my last job until the phone rang. Not all of the calls were bad, in fact, most were just fine. But the calls interrupted the rest of my job, and made it much more difficult to accomplish anything. Throw in the fact that they were getting more and more particular about when someone went on break or to the bathroom…I’m too old and experienced to live like that. Call center employees aren’t trusted. I can’t take that any more. Not to mention I’m overqualified for most of them. Then there’s sales, something that is so alien to my personality, I wouldn’t last a day. Painfully shy people don’t make good sales people. Just look at my friends list. I’ve been on MySpace since July, and still only have 12 friends, five of which I’m related to. I’ve had other requests, sure, but they’re from people I didn’t know, and one thing I won’t be is a friend whore. Other than that, I don’t qualify for the remaining jobs available. I would have to drive to Denver, about 70 miles from here. Any idea how long a drive that is? That’s an hour and a half each way. Without traffic. Physically, I’m not sure I can even handle that.

Nice segue into health. I have no health insurance any more. My last day of coverage was Friday, November 30th. Only reason I had it that long was because I had enough time with my employer, I got a longer salary continuation period. While salary was continued, I had health insurance. For many people, not having insurance is a nuisance. Sometimes a problem, but usually only in emergency situations. Me, I take 4 different drugs to control my blood pressure. Diet and exercise? My BP went up when I was slim, trim, active and eating better than most. I know that won’t work. It’s my kidneys. This time last year, they were still at about 70% function. Probably lower now, based on blood work done in September.

Then there’s the piece de resistance...general functioning. I have mail built up from before I left for Tulsa that I haven’t opened. I have a house that needs to be picked up, needs to be vacuumed, the kitchen and bathroom mopped, the toilets both repaired, and I need to call my property maintenance to see why, exactly, my ceiling leaks. It’s been doing it for two years, off and on. It had stopped when a shared pipe had been fixed, but started up again. These are not complicated things to do. These are things people do all the time. I don’t have children or pets or parents to care for, my time isn’t divided infinitesimally, I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I have a drug for that, too. But, it’s so integral to my survival in work or school, I can’t make myself take it for being home. Would it help? I know it would. But, no health insurance. So once they’re gone, they’re gone. I can’t afford to get any more. And without that, I can’t function. I’ve tried. I’ve accomplished more than I used to be able to, in part because I finally knew I had to find a different way to do things, but it’s still nowhere near what someone at my age, and at my IQ, should be able to do on a normal day.

So which do I approach first? Do I straighten up my house so I feel better about myself? I already know that a clean and orderly home makes me more comfortable and productive. Do I take my little blue pill and get organized, running out just when I need it for my classes? Do I open my mail and find all sorts of missives that have to be handled? Do I take a call center job and find a way to suffer through it, assuming anyone would hire me rather than assuming I’m overqualified (have already been rejected twice)? Do I look into Medicaid so I can get coverage? What do I do?

Once upon a time, when I was active on a ADD message board, there was a post from another person titled “Paralysis of Will.” Very apt title, I thought. In fact, most of us thought that. It was one of the longest threads on the board, and one of the most active. Everyone had input at some point and time. There were new posts for two years. Why? Because the originator had posed questions that we all felt from time to time, things that seemed so obvious and easy, but we just couldn’t handle. Remember the Reebok “Just Do It” campaign? That was the most hurtful ad campaign for me. I would have loved to be able to “Just Do It,” but I can’t. Not without help. I have a prescription for Adderall. There is now a generic version, thankfully, but it’s still not cheap. And let’s face it, without an income, even $10 is expensive. I tried to make myself do things, I really did. Still do. Occasionally, it works, but only if it’s something like pick up this pillow and put it on that chair. I’ve tried stretching that out, making a plan for everything. But I get so completely overwhelmed. Placing a pillow on a chair can quickly turn into a complete remodel in my head. And of course, once I get to that remodel, then I think about the cost, where am I going to get the money, I need to be able to buy groceries and gas and stuff, and how in the world am I supposed to find a qualified contractor anyway, according to the news half of them are corrupt, then what about when the place is being remodeled, where am I going to stay? What if I forget to take something out of the house that I will need later, and can’t get it until they’re done, how uncomfortable would it be to stay in a hotel, never mind the expense, and the stress of not being in my home, then while remodeling, they find out the place isn’t structurally sound and the whole building has to come down, so not only am I out of a home, but so are the other five families in my building, then I have to find somewhere else to live and still pay a mortgage on a house I can’t live in, so I’ll be living on the street, except I won’t, I’ll have to move back home, and I’m nearly 40, there’s no good excuse for me to be homeless.

All that, from picking up a pillow. You may laugh, but those who truly have ADD will understand this. It’s not an exaggeration. This is an actual thought process. I haven’t learned where to stop.

The ADD board has since changed hands, and formats. It was at the time focused on Adults with ADD, something no other boards covered. Now it’s focused on kids and their parents. That’s all well and good for them, but it’s not like they don’t already have a bazillion other places to go for information and support. So, those of us of high intellect and low social function, we’re left out. Nowhere to go. Nowhere for support from people who can laugh and joke and play, and be serious, people who actually understand where you’re coming from.

I suppose, despite the fact that my blood pressure can lead to a stroke and will decrease my kidney function, bringing me ever closer to dialysis, despite the fact that without a job I will lose my house and have to move in with someone anyway, the largest issue I’m dealing with is ADD. I agree, it’s over-diagnosed. It’s also under-diagnosed. Basically, it’s incorrectly diagnosed. Parents want a compliant child, so they look until they get an ADD diagnosis. Children aren’t compliant, quiet, quiescent beings. It’s not their nature. They’re children. Children fidget when they’re bored. They say things at inappropriate times. They have difficulty focusing on things. They run around and scream when they’re excited. It’s NORMAL. But then, there are the other ones, the ones who take this behavior a step too far. I’m most familiar with the ones that may be labeled as either “gifted” or “underachiever,” or both. Kids who have higher than average intellects, based on standardized testing, but are barely getting through school. Maybe they aren’t doing their homework. Maybe they aren’t doing well on regular tests. Maybe they’re disruptive or just don’t show up for class. Which ones are normal but lazy, and which are having other problems, neurological or psychological problems that could be resolved with a little counseling, a little support, and maybe even medication? Which ones could be resolved with a shift in the priorities of our society? Which children need help, but aren’t getting it? Which ones are getting medication they don’t need?

I don’t blame my mother. Not at all. Looking back, there were a lot of things she did wrong, and a lot of things she did right. If anyone were to take an objective look back at their own childhoods, many would find the same. Girls weren’t diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid. Heck, the name had just been changed from minimal brain dysfunction. And me? Every standardized test I took, I scored in the 98th or higher percentile. I was just uninspired, bored, unchallenged according to my school. Except I wasn’t. As the years went by, my performance plummeted. Things that were easy when I was a kid were getting more and more difficult. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t pay attention to things that interested me. I never learned how to study, my mother didn’t know herself, so she couldn’t teach me. I managed to graduate college with a fair GPA, while my friends and classmates all got As and Bs. But I graduated.

I wish I’d never known about my test scores, about the tests that measured IQ. Based on where I was in elementary school, based on my IQ, I should have accomplished so much more. Instead, I’m stalled, negating all the things I‘ve actually done. Now I’m like someone without a college degree, without skills, and without drive or knowledge. I’m tired. I’m tired of this Abby Normal brain.