Cleopatra, Queen of Denial

Currently unemployed, car may or may not be fixed, unable to pay my mortgage, and as an added bonus, gaining weight, I’m a little stressed. But while I sit at home, not interacting with others, I’m okay. I’m not happy, but I’m okay. Soon as I leave the house, though…

Today, I did a little shopping. Necessities, just groceries and liquor (I did say necessities), but it was out in public. I had to actually get dressed and become suitable for public consumption. So I hopped into my rental car, paid for by the insurance company that is either paying to repair my car or going to total it out, and off I went to one of eight Super Wal-Marts in the greater Colorado Springs area. No biggie, nice weather, good drive. I pull into the parking lot and in I go. About five minutes in, I started to feel miserable. I kept looking around the store at things that, once upon a time, I gave not a second thought. This time, I looked with an eye toward value. Pretty sad if you’re looking for the cheapest stuff at Wal-Mart.

I gathered up the few items I needed to purchase and dragged myself to the checkout, not bothering to stop in the videos section, where I’ve found numerous $5 DVDs, no stopping in the candy aisle or health & beauty, just directly to the grocery section. Now, I can easily spend two hours in any grocery store, not necessarily buying anything, just looking. I don’t know why, but the looking is pleasurable to me. Probably something to do with a primitive hunter-gatherer instinct. I enjoy wandering around malls, too. And Wal-Mart and Target, they have everything in one place, particularly the super versions of each store. While I can’t blow as much time there as in a mall or a bookstore, I can still eat up a good chunk.

Not today. Today, I just went through the store and picked up the things I needed. Why? Because I have no income right now. Because I can’t pay my bills. Because I’m feeling the pressure of not being able to support myself. I know it’s going to be tough, too. I’m starting my MBA-Accounting in January. I have financial aid, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still need an income. With my current health problems, I’m fairly limited on job options. Since I don’t have any accounting experience, I can’t even sign up with AccounTemps for a temporary job. I do have unemployment, since I was laid off from work, but I’ve yet to receive dime one from that. As an added bonus, I no longer have health insurance. I have about 60-70% kidney function. I take 4 different pills to control my blood pressure. I take one more just so I can function in this society that values the drone more than the artist. Not that I’d do too well as an artist, I have personality traits that directly conflict with success in any artistic endeavor. Basically, I need to be independently wealthy, but that’s another story entirely.

With health insurance, I was paying up to $100/month on medications. Without it, well, a couple of them won’t change, but most of them will. Only one of my drugs doesn’t have a generic equivalent, I’ve stopped taking that one for that reason. Of the others, only two are already less than $5. The rest, I don’t know. I could still have to pay over $100/month for medications. I refilled as much as I could before I left, so I’ve got meds through January, possibly February if I make them stretch, but after that…

This is where my mind went in the span of about 30 seconds, the time it took for me to take a cart at the main entrance and pass the back of the cash registers. So I didn’t dawdle, I just went about my business looking for the things I needed, reminding myself of the things I already have. I couldn’t find the energy to wander like I usually do.

I’ve been broke before. But I had an income. This, this is worse. I don’t know from day to day whether or not I’ll be able to make any payments to anyone. I spent the past two years rebuilding my credit, and now, it’s just going to go back down the drain. And this time, it’ll be worse, because there’s a mortgage involved.

My mind doesn’t tend to wander to these things when I’m home, only when I go out of the house. So, as long as I don’t go anywhere, I can still function, mostly. I can still pretend that this isn’t happening, that everything is going to be okay.