Growing up, we went to church on a fairly regular basis. I attended Sunday school, the children’s services, vacation Bible school in the summer, and other church activities. For me, Christmas and Easter have always been religious observances. Before opening any gifts or eating any candy, we read the scriptures relating to each holiday, to remind us what we were really celebrating. There were also the church services, although we didn’t always attend. The church was usually full of what were referred to as C & E Christians, people who only went to church on Christmas and Easter. And Mother’s Day. Not Father’s Day, which is a little telling, but that’s for another time. Anyway, the minister always pulled out his A-game sermon, trying to get some of these occasional visitors into members. I know it worked from time to time, people do tend to feel guilty for only going once in a while. But that’s something between them and God.
There were nativity scenes in city parks and other municipal areas, people said Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays. People spouting “Jesus is the reason for the season” weren’t looked upon as zealots, at least, not the ones who, well, weren’t zealots, and TV specials mentioned the birth of Christ or had some religious flavor to them. But as Christmas has become more and more commercial, TV shows have become more about peace on earth and goodwill toward men, declaiming this as the meaning of Christmas. People from all walks of life, and many religions, will celebrate Christmas this year, not as a celebration of the birth of Christ, but as a celebration of conspicuous consumption and an opportunity to assuage some guilt by donating a couple bucks to the Salvation Army.
I enjoy the decorations and TV specials, the lights and sounds and smells that are associated with Christmas, and I really do appreciate the secular reason for the season, the non-cynical one, the peace and goodwill thing. But it bothers me - no, disturbs me - that there are so many who observe Christmas as a secular holiday, disregarding the true meaning, a mass to honor Christ (Christ Mass). I’m not particularly worried about Christianity going away, that’s as likely as Judaism or Islam disappearing off the face of the earth. It ain’t gonna happen, not any time soon. But the secularization of Christmas, that worries me.
I’ll continue to remember exactly what the day actually means. I will continue to celebrate the birth of Christ. And while it bothers me that others won’t, well, that’s their business. So I’ll say to you, Merry Christmas.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Cleopatra, Queen of Denial
Currently unemployed, car may or may not be fixed, unable to pay my mortgage, and as an added bonus, gaining weight, I’m a little stressed. But while I sit at home, not interacting with others, I’m okay. I’m not happy, but I’m okay. Soon as I leave the house, though…
Today, I did a little shopping. Necessities, just groceries and liquor (I did say necessities), but it was out in public. I had to actually get dressed and become suitable for public consumption. So I hopped into my rental car, paid for by the insurance company that is either paying to repair my car or going to total it out, and off I went to one of eight Super Wal-Marts in the greater Colorado Springs area. No biggie, nice weather, good drive. I pull into the parking lot and in I go. About five minutes in, I started to feel miserable. I kept looking around the store at things that, once upon a time, I gave not a second thought. This time, I looked with an eye toward value. Pretty sad if you’re looking for the cheapest stuff at Wal-Mart.
I gathered up the few items I needed to purchase and dragged myself to the checkout, not bothering to stop in the videos section, where I’ve found numerous $5 DVDs, no stopping in the candy aisle or health & beauty, just directly to the grocery section. Now, I can easily spend two hours in any grocery store, not necessarily buying anything, just looking. I don’t know why, but the looking is pleasurable to me. Probably something to do with a primitive hunter-gatherer instinct. I enjoy wandering around malls, too. And Wal-Mart and Target, they have everything in one place, particularly the super versions of each store. While I can’t blow as much time there as in a mall or a bookstore, I can still eat up a good chunk.
Not today. Today, I just went through the store and picked up the things I needed. Why? Because I have no income right now. Because I can’t pay my bills. Because I’m feeling the pressure of not being able to support myself. I know it’s going to be tough, too. I’m starting my MBA-Accounting in January. I have financial aid, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still need an income. With my current health problems, I’m fairly limited on job options. Since I don’t have any accounting experience, I can’t even sign up with AccounTemps for a temporary job. I do have unemployment, since I was laid off from work, but I’ve yet to receive dime one from that. As an added bonus, I no longer have health insurance. I have about 60-70% kidney function. I take 4 different pills to control my blood pressure. I take one more just so I can function in this society that values the drone more than the artist. Not that I’d do too well as an artist, I have personality traits that directly conflict with success in any artistic endeavor. Basically, I need to be independently wealthy, but that’s another story entirely.
With health insurance, I was paying up to $100/month on medications. Without it, well, a couple of them won’t change, but most of them will. Only one of my drugs doesn’t have a generic equivalent, I’ve stopped taking that one for that reason. Of the others, only two are already less than $5. The rest, I don’t know. I could still have to pay over $100/month for medications. I refilled as much as I could before I left, so I’ve got meds through January, possibly February if I make them stretch, but after that…
This is where my mind went in the span of about 30 seconds, the time it took for me to take a cart at the main entrance and pass the back of the cash registers. So I didn’t dawdle, I just went about my business looking for the things I needed, reminding myself of the things I already have. I couldn’t find the energy to wander like I usually do.
I’ve been broke before. But I had an income. This, this is worse. I don’t know from day to day whether or not I’ll be able to make any payments to anyone. I spent the past two years rebuilding my credit, and now, it’s just going to go back down the drain. And this time, it’ll be worse, because there’s a mortgage involved.
My mind doesn’t tend to wander to these things when I’m home, only when I go out of the house. So, as long as I don’t go anywhere, I can still function, mostly. I can still pretend that this isn’t happening, that everything is going to be okay.
Today, I did a little shopping. Necessities, just groceries and liquor (I did say necessities), but it was out in public. I had to actually get dressed and become suitable for public consumption. So I hopped into my rental car, paid for by the insurance company that is either paying to repair my car or going to total it out, and off I went to one of eight Super Wal-Marts in the greater Colorado Springs area. No biggie, nice weather, good drive. I pull into the parking lot and in I go. About five minutes in, I started to feel miserable. I kept looking around the store at things that, once upon a time, I gave not a second thought. This time, I looked with an eye toward value. Pretty sad if you’re looking for the cheapest stuff at Wal-Mart.
I gathered up the few items I needed to purchase and dragged myself to the checkout, not bothering to stop in the videos section, where I’ve found numerous $5 DVDs, no stopping in the candy aisle or health & beauty, just directly to the grocery section. Now, I can easily spend two hours in any grocery store, not necessarily buying anything, just looking. I don’t know why, but the looking is pleasurable to me. Probably something to do with a primitive hunter-gatherer instinct. I enjoy wandering around malls, too. And Wal-Mart and Target, they have everything in one place, particularly the super versions of each store. While I can’t blow as much time there as in a mall or a bookstore, I can still eat up a good chunk.
Not today. Today, I just went through the store and picked up the things I needed. Why? Because I have no income right now. Because I can’t pay my bills. Because I’m feeling the pressure of not being able to support myself. I know it’s going to be tough, too. I’m starting my MBA-Accounting in January. I have financial aid, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still need an income. With my current health problems, I’m fairly limited on job options. Since I don’t have any accounting experience, I can’t even sign up with AccounTemps for a temporary job. I do have unemployment, since I was laid off from work, but I’ve yet to receive dime one from that. As an added bonus, I no longer have health insurance. I have about 60-70% kidney function. I take 4 different pills to control my blood pressure. I take one more just so I can function in this society that values the drone more than the artist. Not that I’d do too well as an artist, I have personality traits that directly conflict with success in any artistic endeavor. Basically, I need to be independently wealthy, but that’s another story entirely.
With health insurance, I was paying up to $100/month on medications. Without it, well, a couple of them won’t change, but most of them will. Only one of my drugs doesn’t have a generic equivalent, I’ve stopped taking that one for that reason. Of the others, only two are already less than $5. The rest, I don’t know. I could still have to pay over $100/month for medications. I refilled as much as I could before I left, so I’ve got meds through January, possibly February if I make them stretch, but after that…
This is where my mind went in the span of about 30 seconds, the time it took for me to take a cart at the main entrance and pass the back of the cash registers. So I didn’t dawdle, I just went about my business looking for the things I needed, reminding myself of the things I already have. I couldn’t find the energy to wander like I usually do.
I’ve been broke before. But I had an income. This, this is worse. I don’t know from day to day whether or not I’ll be able to make any payments to anyone. I spent the past two years rebuilding my credit, and now, it’s just going to go back down the drain. And this time, it’ll be worse, because there’s a mortgage involved.
My mind doesn’t tend to wander to these things when I’m home, only when I go out of the house. So, as long as I don’t go anywhere, I can still function, mostly. I can still pretend that this isn’t happening, that everything is going to be okay.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Random Thoughts
Well, here we are, just two weeks to Christmas, and I have no income. Even better than that, I have no money to pay my mortgage or HOA dues. The mortgage, I’ll get over. It’ll be a while before they foreclose on me. The HOA dues are a different story. My dues pay my utilities as well as maintenance, and the HOA will turn off my power if I don’t pay. I did let them know back in October that there would come a time when I couldn’t pay, but I never got a response on anything they would be willing to do, or how they’d be willing to work with me on that. Irritating. My father sent me some money, which is good, because that’s what I’m living on now. If not for that act of generosity, I wouldn’t even have any food in the house. And while I could stand to lose a few pounds, that’s not the way to do it. I’ve yet to receive dime one from unemployment, which would have at least kept me in the black a little longer.
As for school, my financial aid has been packaged, meaning it’s been accepted. Still don’t know if that means the entire amount I requested or just a fraction of it, but classes will be paid for. Classes start in January, and I am looking forward to getting that started, but I still have to pay for my living expenses. I’m stressing about having to sell my house, something that is becoming more and more likely as time goes by. Not really a good thing, since the market is so miserable and my house needs work. Work I can’t afford to do. Some, I could, but I physically can’t do it myself any more, and I can’t afford to hire a professional to do it for me. Anyway, once financial aid kicks in, I should be okay for a bit, but I’ve no idea when that will be, or how far behind I’ll be once I do get it.
The first week of January, I will be starting a tax class, something with a local tax office, which may give me some income at least, something to try and get current on my bills. Really not a great thing, because it could also negate my unemployment insurance benefits, but since I haven’t received any money yet anyway, I guess it doesn’t much matter.
My car is being fixed, though, so that’s good. I have a rental, paid by the insurance company, so I can get around if I need to. I have nothing in particular planned this week, so it’ll likely sit in my parking space for now, getting cold and snowy. Well, it’s covered parking, so not that snowy. It’s not the most conveniently placed spot, but really, after the first frost, I was sold on having to make the trek to the carport.
The world is going to hell in a hand basket, and I’m worried about having a roof over my head. Hmm. No, priorities are all in place. I have to decide, though, which of my luxuries will go first. Will it be my satellite, my cell phone, my internet? Well, TV reception is miserable here, and there are no rooftop antennas. I live alone, so I have no one else to occupy my time, and I don’t handle quiet isolation well at all. Already tried it. My cell phone has free long distance, which allows me to call my family if I really need to, without having to call them collect. Both cost about the same each month, although the cell does tend to go a little higher, what with text messages. My internet, that’s the last thing to go. I have dialup. It’s $15/month. And without a cell phone, it’s the only other way I can really get in touch with my family. There are no other luxuries. Just bills.
Yeah, I’m a little tense, a little stressed about what’s going to happen to me over the next few months. Without an income, I can’t pay bills, and if I can’t pay bills, I can’t even fall back on living on my credit card, which bailed me out back when I first moved to this city, and in fact, is part of the reason why I never really was able to build up much of a savings.
As for school, my financial aid has been packaged, meaning it’s been accepted. Still don’t know if that means the entire amount I requested or just a fraction of it, but classes will be paid for. Classes start in January, and I am looking forward to getting that started, but I still have to pay for my living expenses. I’m stressing about having to sell my house, something that is becoming more and more likely as time goes by. Not really a good thing, since the market is so miserable and my house needs work. Work I can’t afford to do. Some, I could, but I physically can’t do it myself any more, and I can’t afford to hire a professional to do it for me. Anyway, once financial aid kicks in, I should be okay for a bit, but I’ve no idea when that will be, or how far behind I’ll be once I do get it.
The first week of January, I will be starting a tax class, something with a local tax office, which may give me some income at least, something to try and get current on my bills. Really not a great thing, because it could also negate my unemployment insurance benefits, but since I haven’t received any money yet anyway, I guess it doesn’t much matter.
My car is being fixed, though, so that’s good. I have a rental, paid by the insurance company, so I can get around if I need to. I have nothing in particular planned this week, so it’ll likely sit in my parking space for now, getting cold and snowy. Well, it’s covered parking, so not that snowy. It’s not the most conveniently placed spot, but really, after the first frost, I was sold on having to make the trek to the carport.
The world is going to hell in a hand basket, and I’m worried about having a roof over my head. Hmm. No, priorities are all in place. I have to decide, though, which of my luxuries will go first. Will it be my satellite, my cell phone, my internet? Well, TV reception is miserable here, and there are no rooftop antennas. I live alone, so I have no one else to occupy my time, and I don’t handle quiet isolation well at all. Already tried it. My cell phone has free long distance, which allows me to call my family if I really need to, without having to call them collect. Both cost about the same each month, although the cell does tend to go a little higher, what with text messages. My internet, that’s the last thing to go. I have dialup. It’s $15/month. And without a cell phone, it’s the only other way I can really get in touch with my family. There are no other luxuries. Just bills.
Yeah, I’m a little tense, a little stressed about what’s going to happen to me over the next few months. Without an income, I can’t pay bills, and if I can’t pay bills, I can’t even fall back on living on my credit card, which bailed me out back when I first moved to this city, and in fact, is part of the reason why I never really was able to build up much of a savings.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
This is Insane!
A little after midnight, Mountain Standard Time, Sunday, December 9, a gunman opened fire in Arvada, Colorado, a suburb of Denver, at a Youth Missionary center. He was turned away for a bed for the night. No details, it’s highly likely the mission had a valid reason for turning him away. Even if their reasoning was specious, however, that does not give him the right to kill two people.
Just after one PM, Mountain Standard Time, Sunday, December 9, a gunman opened fire in Colorado Springs, Colorado, in the parking lot of New Life Church, the largest church in the state (membership in excess of 10,000). The gunman took one life, a security guard took his. At the time the gunman was on site, the campus had about 7,000 people, as estimated by the pastor in an interview.
At last check, it wasn’t clear if the gunman in Arvada was the same as the gunman in Colorado Springs. He had plenty of time, though, it’s only about 65 miles between the two, and I-25, when it’s not backed up and overloaded is a pretty fair route to take. Of course, there was crossing Monument Hill, which, I promise you, is not fun. It’s 1,000 feet higher than the Springs and 2,000 feet higher than Denver, and we just recently had a bit of a storm blow through. But it’s not impossible.
Because both shootings were at religious establishments, the entire investigation may go federal, and be considered a hate crime.
On the one hand, it’s horrible to think someone would do something like this, take a shot at people who were participating in their religions. On the other hand, is it any worse because it was a church or a mission, instead of a shopping mall or school? No.
One thing that sticks in my head, though, one thing that I can’t stop thinking about, is a comment by a local newscaster. He began his report by talking about church, about that being the one place people think they’re safe. I don’t know what world he’s been living in, but there are hundreds of people who can attest that church is not the safest place to be. People who were in church when a bomb went off. Considering the degree of this tragedy, because people lost their lives, regardless of where they were, I know I need to let this go, but it does bother me, quite a bit, that the reporter would so callously disregard the highly-publicized hate crimes of the past, some quite recent. Those crimes weren’t based on religion, but on race.
The New Life Church is about 10 miles from here. They’ve had other problems in the recent past, things that, I hope, have nothing to do with today’s shooting. I don’t know. I don’t understand why someone would feel the need to kill someone. That’s not to say that I’ve never been very upset with someone, that I’ve not fantasized about killing someone. But there’s a HUGE leap from thought to deed. I’ve joked about going on a shooting spree and have been shut down by the PC police, but again, it’s not something I’d ever actually do. This is a lot to process.
My thoughts and prayers are with the people who were injured and their families, and the families of those who were lost. Including the gunman.
Just after one PM, Mountain Standard Time, Sunday, December 9, a gunman opened fire in Colorado Springs, Colorado, in the parking lot of New Life Church, the largest church in the state (membership in excess of 10,000). The gunman took one life, a security guard took his. At the time the gunman was on site, the campus had about 7,000 people, as estimated by the pastor in an interview.
At last check, it wasn’t clear if the gunman in Arvada was the same as the gunman in Colorado Springs. He had plenty of time, though, it’s only about 65 miles between the two, and I-25, when it’s not backed up and overloaded is a pretty fair route to take. Of course, there was crossing Monument Hill, which, I promise you, is not fun. It’s 1,000 feet higher than the Springs and 2,000 feet higher than Denver, and we just recently had a bit of a storm blow through. But it’s not impossible.
Because both shootings were at religious establishments, the entire investigation may go federal, and be considered a hate crime.
On the one hand, it’s horrible to think someone would do something like this, take a shot at people who were participating in their religions. On the other hand, is it any worse because it was a church or a mission, instead of a shopping mall or school? No.
One thing that sticks in my head, though, one thing that I can’t stop thinking about, is a comment by a local newscaster. He began his report by talking about church, about that being the one place people think they’re safe. I don’t know what world he’s been living in, but there are hundreds of people who can attest that church is not the safest place to be. People who were in church when a bomb went off. Considering the degree of this tragedy, because people lost their lives, regardless of where they were, I know I need to let this go, but it does bother me, quite a bit, that the reporter would so callously disregard the highly-publicized hate crimes of the past, some quite recent. Those crimes weren’t based on religion, but on race.
The New Life Church is about 10 miles from here. They’ve had other problems in the recent past, things that, I hope, have nothing to do with today’s shooting. I don’t know. I don’t understand why someone would feel the need to kill someone. That’s not to say that I’ve never been very upset with someone, that I’ve not fantasized about killing someone. But there’s a HUGE leap from thought to deed. I’ve joked about going on a shooting spree and have been shut down by the PC police, but again, it’s not something I’d ever actually do. This is a lot to process.
My thoughts and prayers are with the people who were injured and their families, and the families of those who were lost. Including the gunman.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Losing Track of Time
Losing Track of Time
I’ve always had mornings where I woke up in a panic, convinced I forgot to set my alarm, something that has happened in reality only twice in the past 10 years or so. Some of those mornings are work days, and I wake up a good 45 minutes - if I’m lucky - to three hours before my alarm gets up. And then, I’m up. Awake. Wide awake. Three hours before I have to get out of bed? Doesn’t matter, I can’t get back to sleep. Then there are the Saturday or Sunday mornings I wake up panicked about getting ready for work. Sure, other people do that sort of thing, but do they do it almost every weekend? As for knowing how long something actually takes, I’m not very good at judging. How long does it take to make the same breakfast I‘ve made for years, the breakfast I make before work - when I had a job - and make on the weekends? I‘ve no idea. Well, no, that’s not true. I know it takes somewhere between ten minutes and half an hour. Took me a few years to be able to figure out that much. Any more specific than that, I can’t do.
So what’s causing this complete lack of understanding about time? Well, experts say it’s ADD. Yet another symptom. It’s a tricky thing, there are things that happen to everyone at some point and time. Everyone has a hard time judging time now and again. Everyone has trouble focusing on something, especially something they’re not interested in. Everyone has difficulty prioritizing at times. For me, it’s daily. This isn’t an occasional thing, this is normal for me. Each day, when I wake, I have no idea what day of the week it is. I do have some idea what time it is, but that’s in part due to a game I play in the mornings. Once my eyes open, and I realize that there’s no chance of going back to sleep, I try to determine what time it is. Originally born of frustration, now it’s just something I do. Not consciously, one might even say it’s a bit compulsive. But that’s a whole ‘nuther disorder. Throughout the year, I try to judge the time based on the light coming through the window. At two in the morning, this is a bit trickier, of course, and the game does change based on the time of the year. 6:30 AM looks very different between June and December. But I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Up to a point. Before 3:30 AM, after 9:30 AM, it’s much more difficult. Still do it sometimes, based on how tired I feel, based on anything else I’ve done that evening, or what I’ve read before going to sleep, or if I’ve taken anything for pain. Chronic pain, got prescriptions for that, only take them when I have to.
Then there’s the day of the week. Everyone has had days when they were just off, when they thought it was Wednesday on Tuesday, Friday on Wednesday. It happens. The more stressed a person becomes, the more likely it becomes. Based on that reasoning, I’m constantly in a state of stress. I’m really not. I just have no sense of time. None. I keep calendars in my house for the specific purpose of knowing what day of the week it is. I can be watching a television show that only comes on Wednesdays, and still need reminding what day of the week it is. It’s even worse if the networks move a show temporarily, or permanently. I’m lost, then. In the mornings, I watch the Today show on NBC. No reason other than it was on the air until 10:00 AM, and I didn’t have to leave the house until 9:30 to get to work. Before my shift changed, I watched CBS this morning, simply because I watch CBS Sunday Morning when I’m up and home, and it‘s familiar. No Good Morning America since I was a kid. But that’s not the point. The Today show is on 7 days a week. While I can’t necessarily remember what day it is, I can usually use that to at least tell me whether or not it’s a weekday. Even when the weekend hosts substitute, I know.
The first time I took an ADD medication, I realized that it was possible to have some sense of time. Still not perfect, but better than without. It was amazing. It was like someone had turned on a switch I never knew was there. At the time, I was packing up to leave a convention. There was one more session I wanted to attend, but I needed to check out of my room before going. I was not only able to pack myself up, but my erstwhile roommate in 15 minutes total, leaving plenty of time to grab a quick bite before going to the last session. Before that little pill kicked in, both I and my roommate were staring at the room, trying to determine where to start, trying to find the fastest way to get everything packed up and out of there.
How long does it take me to take a shower? What if I wash my hair, how much longer? How much time do I need to sort my laundry? Do I have enough time to vacuum the entire house during this commercial break? Do I have time to stop at McDonald’s before going to my meeting in 15 minutes? If I leave the house at 9:40, do I have enough time to get to work, even with traffic? With or without medication, I still have a miserable sense of time. The difference with medication is at least I don’t distract as easily.
I’ve always had mornings where I woke up in a panic, convinced I forgot to set my alarm, something that has happened in reality only twice in the past 10 years or so. Some of those mornings are work days, and I wake up a good 45 minutes - if I’m lucky - to three hours before my alarm gets up. And then, I’m up. Awake. Wide awake. Three hours before I have to get out of bed? Doesn’t matter, I can’t get back to sleep. Then there are the Saturday or Sunday mornings I wake up panicked about getting ready for work. Sure, other people do that sort of thing, but do they do it almost every weekend? As for knowing how long something actually takes, I’m not very good at judging. How long does it take to make the same breakfast I‘ve made for years, the breakfast I make before work - when I had a job - and make on the weekends? I‘ve no idea. Well, no, that’s not true. I know it takes somewhere between ten minutes and half an hour. Took me a few years to be able to figure out that much. Any more specific than that, I can’t do.
So what’s causing this complete lack of understanding about time? Well, experts say it’s ADD. Yet another symptom. It’s a tricky thing, there are things that happen to everyone at some point and time. Everyone has a hard time judging time now and again. Everyone has trouble focusing on something, especially something they’re not interested in. Everyone has difficulty prioritizing at times. For me, it’s daily. This isn’t an occasional thing, this is normal for me. Each day, when I wake, I have no idea what day of the week it is. I do have some idea what time it is, but that’s in part due to a game I play in the mornings. Once my eyes open, and I realize that there’s no chance of going back to sleep, I try to determine what time it is. Originally born of frustration, now it’s just something I do. Not consciously, one might even say it’s a bit compulsive. But that’s a whole ‘nuther disorder. Throughout the year, I try to judge the time based on the light coming through the window. At two in the morning, this is a bit trickier, of course, and the game does change based on the time of the year. 6:30 AM looks very different between June and December. But I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Up to a point. Before 3:30 AM, after 9:30 AM, it’s much more difficult. Still do it sometimes, based on how tired I feel, based on anything else I’ve done that evening, or what I’ve read before going to sleep, or if I’ve taken anything for pain. Chronic pain, got prescriptions for that, only take them when I have to.
Then there’s the day of the week. Everyone has had days when they were just off, when they thought it was Wednesday on Tuesday, Friday on Wednesday. It happens. The more stressed a person becomes, the more likely it becomes. Based on that reasoning, I’m constantly in a state of stress. I’m really not. I just have no sense of time. None. I keep calendars in my house for the specific purpose of knowing what day of the week it is. I can be watching a television show that only comes on Wednesdays, and still need reminding what day of the week it is. It’s even worse if the networks move a show temporarily, or permanently. I’m lost, then. In the mornings, I watch the Today show on NBC. No reason other than it was on the air until 10:00 AM, and I didn’t have to leave the house until 9:30 to get to work. Before my shift changed, I watched CBS this morning, simply because I watch CBS Sunday Morning when I’m up and home, and it‘s familiar. No Good Morning America since I was a kid. But that’s not the point. The Today show is on 7 days a week. While I can’t necessarily remember what day it is, I can usually use that to at least tell me whether or not it’s a weekday. Even when the weekend hosts substitute, I know.
The first time I took an ADD medication, I realized that it was possible to have some sense of time. Still not perfect, but better than without. It was amazing. It was like someone had turned on a switch I never knew was there. At the time, I was packing up to leave a convention. There was one more session I wanted to attend, but I needed to check out of my room before going. I was not only able to pack myself up, but my erstwhile roommate in 15 minutes total, leaving plenty of time to grab a quick bite before going to the last session. Before that little pill kicked in, both I and my roommate were staring at the room, trying to determine where to start, trying to find the fastest way to get everything packed up and out of there.
How long does it take me to take a shower? What if I wash my hair, how much longer? How much time do I need to sort my laundry? Do I have enough time to vacuum the entire house during this commercial break? Do I have time to stop at McDonald’s before going to my meeting in 15 minutes? If I leave the house at 9:40, do I have enough time to get to work, even with traffic? With or without medication, I still have a miserable sense of time. The difference with medication is at least I don’t distract as easily.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Abby-Somthing...
There are good times and bad times, times when my considerable intellect (no, really, not bragging) covers my backside in most unusual ways, and times when I can’t think my way out of a paper bag. This is one of the latter times.
I lost my job in September. I’ve been looking for work since. Granted, I’ve been a little picky about where to work, but not just because of jobs I don’t want, but because of jobs I can’t, physically do. And it is very irritating, since I was not always such a useless lump. I used to be able to do hard labor, used to be able to lift 40 pounds, stand for 8 hours a day. Now, whatever I do, it has to be an office job. To make matters worse, though, I know that if I took a call center job, I would be out of work within a week, having lost my mind. I was fine with my last job until the phone rang. Not all of the calls were bad, in fact, most were just fine. But the calls interrupted the rest of my job, and made it much more difficult to accomplish anything. Throw in the fact that they were getting more and more particular about when someone went on break or to the bathroom…I’m too old and experienced to live like that. Call center employees aren’t trusted. I can’t take that any more. Not to mention I’m overqualified for most of them. Then there’s sales, something that is so alien to my personality, I wouldn’t last a day. Painfully shy people don’t make good sales people. Just look at my friends list. I’ve been on MySpace since July, and still only have 12 friends, five of which I’m related to. I’ve had other requests, sure, but they’re from people I didn’t know, and one thing I won’t be is a friend whore. Other than that, I don’t qualify for the remaining jobs available. I would have to drive to Denver, about 70 miles from here. Any idea how long a drive that is? That’s an hour and a half each way. Without traffic. Physically, I’m not sure I can even handle that.
Nice segue into health. I have no health insurance any more. My last day of coverage was Friday, November 30th. Only reason I had it that long was because I had enough time with my employer, I got a longer salary continuation period. While salary was continued, I had health insurance. For many people, not having insurance is a nuisance. Sometimes a problem, but usually only in emergency situations. Me, I take 4 different drugs to control my blood pressure. Diet and exercise? My BP went up when I was slim, trim, active and eating better than most. I know that won’t work. It’s my kidneys. This time last year, they were still at about 70% function. Probably lower now, based on blood work done in September.
Then there’s the piece de resistance...general functioning. I have mail built up from before I left for Tulsa that I haven’t opened. I have a house that needs to be picked up, needs to be vacuumed, the kitchen and bathroom mopped, the toilets both repaired, and I need to call my property maintenance to see why, exactly, my ceiling leaks. It’s been doing it for two years, off and on. It had stopped when a shared pipe had been fixed, but started up again. These are not complicated things to do. These are things people do all the time. I don’t have children or pets or parents to care for, my time isn’t divided infinitesimally, I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I have a drug for that, too. But, it’s so integral to my survival in work or school, I can’t make myself take it for being home. Would it help? I know it would. But, no health insurance. So once they’re gone, they’re gone. I can’t afford to get any more. And without that, I can’t function. I’ve tried. I’ve accomplished more than I used to be able to, in part because I finally knew I had to find a different way to do things, but it’s still nowhere near what someone at my age, and at my IQ, should be able to do on a normal day.
So which do I approach first? Do I straighten up my house so I feel better about myself? I already know that a clean and orderly home makes me more comfortable and productive. Do I take my little blue pill and get organized, running out just when I need it for my classes? Do I open my mail and find all sorts of missives that have to be handled? Do I take a call center job and find a way to suffer through it, assuming anyone would hire me rather than assuming I’m overqualified (have already been rejected twice)? Do I look into Medicaid so I can get coverage? What do I do?
Once upon a time, when I was active on a ADD message board, there was a post from another person titled “Paralysis of Will.” Very apt title, I thought. In fact, most of us thought that. It was one of the longest threads on the board, and one of the most active. Everyone had input at some point and time. There were new posts for two years. Why? Because the originator had posed questions that we all felt from time to time, things that seemed so obvious and easy, but we just couldn’t handle. Remember the Reebok “Just Do It” campaign? That was the most hurtful ad campaign for me. I would have loved to be able to “Just Do It,” but I can’t. Not without help. I have a prescription for Adderall. There is now a generic version, thankfully, but it’s still not cheap. And let’s face it, without an income, even $10 is expensive. I tried to make myself do things, I really did. Still do. Occasionally, it works, but only if it’s something like pick up this pillow and put it on that chair. I’ve tried stretching that out, making a plan for everything. But I get so completely overwhelmed. Placing a pillow on a chair can quickly turn into a complete remodel in my head. And of course, once I get to that remodel, then I think about the cost, where am I going to get the money, I need to be able to buy groceries and gas and stuff, and how in the world am I supposed to find a qualified contractor anyway, according to the news half of them are corrupt, then what about when the place is being remodeled, where am I going to stay? What if I forget to take something out of the house that I will need later, and can’t get it until they’re done, how uncomfortable would it be to stay in a hotel, never mind the expense, and the stress of not being in my home, then while remodeling, they find out the place isn’t structurally sound and the whole building has to come down, so not only am I out of a home, but so are the other five families in my building, then I have to find somewhere else to live and still pay a mortgage on a house I can’t live in, so I’ll be living on the street, except I won’t, I’ll have to move back home, and I’m nearly 40, there’s no good excuse for me to be homeless.
All that, from picking up a pillow. You may laugh, but those who truly have ADD will understand this. It’s not an exaggeration. This is an actual thought process. I haven’t learned where to stop.
The ADD board has since changed hands, and formats. It was at the time focused on Adults with ADD, something no other boards covered. Now it’s focused on kids and their parents. That’s all well and good for them, but it’s not like they don’t already have a bazillion other places to go for information and support. So, those of us of high intellect and low social function, we’re left out. Nowhere to go. Nowhere for support from people who can laugh and joke and play, and be serious, people who actually understand where you’re coming from.
I suppose, despite the fact that my blood pressure can lead to a stroke and will decrease my kidney function, bringing me ever closer to dialysis, despite the fact that without a job I will lose my house and have to move in with someone anyway, the largest issue I’m dealing with is ADD. I agree, it’s over-diagnosed. It’s also under-diagnosed. Basically, it’s incorrectly diagnosed. Parents want a compliant child, so they look until they get an ADD diagnosis. Children aren’t compliant, quiet, quiescent beings. It’s not their nature. They’re children. Children fidget when they’re bored. They say things at inappropriate times. They have difficulty focusing on things. They run around and scream when they’re excited. It’s NORMAL. But then, there are the other ones, the ones who take this behavior a step too far. I’m most familiar with the ones that may be labeled as either “gifted” or “underachiever,” or both. Kids who have higher than average intellects, based on standardized testing, but are barely getting through school. Maybe they aren’t doing their homework. Maybe they aren’t doing well on regular tests. Maybe they’re disruptive or just don’t show up for class. Which ones are normal but lazy, and which are having other problems, neurological or psychological problems that could be resolved with a little counseling, a little support, and maybe even medication? Which ones could be resolved with a shift in the priorities of our society? Which children need help, but aren’t getting it? Which ones are getting medication they don’t need?
I don’t blame my mother. Not at all. Looking back, there were a lot of things she did wrong, and a lot of things she did right. If anyone were to take an objective look back at their own childhoods, many would find the same. Girls weren’t diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid. Heck, the name had just been changed from minimal brain dysfunction. And me? Every standardized test I took, I scored in the 98th or higher percentile. I was just uninspired, bored, unchallenged according to my school. Except I wasn’t. As the years went by, my performance plummeted. Things that were easy when I was a kid were getting more and more difficult. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t pay attention to things that interested me. I never learned how to study, my mother didn’t know herself, so she couldn’t teach me. I managed to graduate college with a fair GPA, while my friends and classmates all got As and Bs. But I graduated.
I wish I’d never known about my test scores, about the tests that measured IQ. Based on where I was in elementary school, based on my IQ, I should have accomplished so much more. Instead, I’m stalled, negating all the things I‘ve actually done. Now I’m like someone without a college degree, without skills, and without drive or knowledge. I’m tired. I’m tired of this Abby Normal brain.
I lost my job in September. I’ve been looking for work since. Granted, I’ve been a little picky about where to work, but not just because of jobs I don’t want, but because of jobs I can’t, physically do. And it is very irritating, since I was not always such a useless lump. I used to be able to do hard labor, used to be able to lift 40 pounds, stand for 8 hours a day. Now, whatever I do, it has to be an office job. To make matters worse, though, I know that if I took a call center job, I would be out of work within a week, having lost my mind. I was fine with my last job until the phone rang. Not all of the calls were bad, in fact, most were just fine. But the calls interrupted the rest of my job, and made it much more difficult to accomplish anything. Throw in the fact that they were getting more and more particular about when someone went on break or to the bathroom…I’m too old and experienced to live like that. Call center employees aren’t trusted. I can’t take that any more. Not to mention I’m overqualified for most of them. Then there’s sales, something that is so alien to my personality, I wouldn’t last a day. Painfully shy people don’t make good sales people. Just look at my friends list. I’ve been on MySpace since July, and still only have 12 friends, five of which I’m related to. I’ve had other requests, sure, but they’re from people I didn’t know, and one thing I won’t be is a friend whore. Other than that, I don’t qualify for the remaining jobs available. I would have to drive to Denver, about 70 miles from here. Any idea how long a drive that is? That’s an hour and a half each way. Without traffic. Physically, I’m not sure I can even handle that.
Nice segue into health. I have no health insurance any more. My last day of coverage was Friday, November 30th. Only reason I had it that long was because I had enough time with my employer, I got a longer salary continuation period. While salary was continued, I had health insurance. For many people, not having insurance is a nuisance. Sometimes a problem, but usually only in emergency situations. Me, I take 4 different drugs to control my blood pressure. Diet and exercise? My BP went up when I was slim, trim, active and eating better than most. I know that won’t work. It’s my kidneys. This time last year, they were still at about 70% function. Probably lower now, based on blood work done in September.
Then there’s the piece de resistance...general functioning. I have mail built up from before I left for Tulsa that I haven’t opened. I have a house that needs to be picked up, needs to be vacuumed, the kitchen and bathroom mopped, the toilets both repaired, and I need to call my property maintenance to see why, exactly, my ceiling leaks. It’s been doing it for two years, off and on. It had stopped when a shared pipe had been fixed, but started up again. These are not complicated things to do. These are things people do all the time. I don’t have children or pets or parents to care for, my time isn’t divided infinitesimally, I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I have a drug for that, too. But, it’s so integral to my survival in work or school, I can’t make myself take it for being home. Would it help? I know it would. But, no health insurance. So once they’re gone, they’re gone. I can’t afford to get any more. And without that, I can’t function. I’ve tried. I’ve accomplished more than I used to be able to, in part because I finally knew I had to find a different way to do things, but it’s still nowhere near what someone at my age, and at my IQ, should be able to do on a normal day.
So which do I approach first? Do I straighten up my house so I feel better about myself? I already know that a clean and orderly home makes me more comfortable and productive. Do I take my little blue pill and get organized, running out just when I need it for my classes? Do I open my mail and find all sorts of missives that have to be handled? Do I take a call center job and find a way to suffer through it, assuming anyone would hire me rather than assuming I’m overqualified (have already been rejected twice)? Do I look into Medicaid so I can get coverage? What do I do?
Once upon a time, when I was active on a ADD message board, there was a post from another person titled “Paralysis of Will.” Very apt title, I thought. In fact, most of us thought that. It was one of the longest threads on the board, and one of the most active. Everyone had input at some point and time. There were new posts for two years. Why? Because the originator had posed questions that we all felt from time to time, things that seemed so obvious and easy, but we just couldn’t handle. Remember the Reebok “Just Do It” campaign? That was the most hurtful ad campaign for me. I would have loved to be able to “Just Do It,” but I can’t. Not without help. I have a prescription for Adderall. There is now a generic version, thankfully, but it’s still not cheap. And let’s face it, without an income, even $10 is expensive. I tried to make myself do things, I really did. Still do. Occasionally, it works, but only if it’s something like pick up this pillow and put it on that chair. I’ve tried stretching that out, making a plan for everything. But I get so completely overwhelmed. Placing a pillow on a chair can quickly turn into a complete remodel in my head. And of course, once I get to that remodel, then I think about the cost, where am I going to get the money, I need to be able to buy groceries and gas and stuff, and how in the world am I supposed to find a qualified contractor anyway, according to the news half of them are corrupt, then what about when the place is being remodeled, where am I going to stay? What if I forget to take something out of the house that I will need later, and can’t get it until they’re done, how uncomfortable would it be to stay in a hotel, never mind the expense, and the stress of not being in my home, then while remodeling, they find out the place isn’t structurally sound and the whole building has to come down, so not only am I out of a home, but so are the other five families in my building, then I have to find somewhere else to live and still pay a mortgage on a house I can’t live in, so I’ll be living on the street, except I won’t, I’ll have to move back home, and I’m nearly 40, there’s no good excuse for me to be homeless.
All that, from picking up a pillow. You may laugh, but those who truly have ADD will understand this. It’s not an exaggeration. This is an actual thought process. I haven’t learned where to stop.
The ADD board has since changed hands, and formats. It was at the time focused on Adults with ADD, something no other boards covered. Now it’s focused on kids and their parents. That’s all well and good for them, but it’s not like they don’t already have a bazillion other places to go for information and support. So, those of us of high intellect and low social function, we’re left out. Nowhere to go. Nowhere for support from people who can laugh and joke and play, and be serious, people who actually understand where you’re coming from.
I suppose, despite the fact that my blood pressure can lead to a stroke and will decrease my kidney function, bringing me ever closer to dialysis, despite the fact that without a job I will lose my house and have to move in with someone anyway, the largest issue I’m dealing with is ADD. I agree, it’s over-diagnosed. It’s also under-diagnosed. Basically, it’s incorrectly diagnosed. Parents want a compliant child, so they look until they get an ADD diagnosis. Children aren’t compliant, quiet, quiescent beings. It’s not their nature. They’re children. Children fidget when they’re bored. They say things at inappropriate times. They have difficulty focusing on things. They run around and scream when they’re excited. It’s NORMAL. But then, there are the other ones, the ones who take this behavior a step too far. I’m most familiar with the ones that may be labeled as either “gifted” or “underachiever,” or both. Kids who have higher than average intellects, based on standardized testing, but are barely getting through school. Maybe they aren’t doing their homework. Maybe they aren’t doing well on regular tests. Maybe they’re disruptive or just don’t show up for class. Which ones are normal but lazy, and which are having other problems, neurological or psychological problems that could be resolved with a little counseling, a little support, and maybe even medication? Which ones could be resolved with a shift in the priorities of our society? Which children need help, but aren’t getting it? Which ones are getting medication they don’t need?
I don’t blame my mother. Not at all. Looking back, there were a lot of things she did wrong, and a lot of things she did right. If anyone were to take an objective look back at their own childhoods, many would find the same. Girls weren’t diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid. Heck, the name had just been changed from minimal brain dysfunction. And me? Every standardized test I took, I scored in the 98th or higher percentile. I was just uninspired, bored, unchallenged according to my school. Except I wasn’t. As the years went by, my performance plummeted. Things that were easy when I was a kid were getting more and more difficult. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t pay attention to things that interested me. I never learned how to study, my mother didn’t know herself, so she couldn’t teach me. I managed to graduate college with a fair GPA, while my friends and classmates all got As and Bs. But I graduated.
I wish I’d never known about my test scores, about the tests that measured IQ. Based on where I was in elementary school, based on my IQ, I should have accomplished so much more. Instead, I’m stalled, negating all the things I‘ve actually done. Now I’m like someone without a college degree, without skills, and without drive or knowledge. I’m tired. I’m tired of this Abby Normal brain.
Friday, November 30, 2007
And Now For Something Completely Different...
Monday evening, I think it was, I was watching television, after unpacking and getting settled back into my house. I happened to catch the famous Jimmy V ESPY awards speech from 1993 (look it up, it’s actually pretty cool). I’d heard a lot about this one, and wanted to hear it for once. Usually, inspirational speeches only remind me of how pathetic and useless I really am, how pointless my very existence has become, and other equally cheery thoughts.
This time, though, something clicked. Not sure if it was the euphoria left over from a stressful drive after a stressful day after a relaxing week, or if it’s the beginning of a mid-life crisis, but this one hit me differently. I had a voice mail message from a recruiter at Colorado Technical University. I’ve been toying with the idea of going back to school for some time, now, but I couldn’t decide for what. No point going back if you don’t know why you want to go. Waste of time and money if you do that. Well, I finally figured out a direction I’d like to go…don’t laugh…accounting. I called back and left a message telling her I was still very interested in meeting with her, to find out what CTU could do for me. Thursday, I met with her.
She and I clicked almost immediately. Dunno if she’s just an amazing sales person, or if we really did click that well, but it was an informative afternoon. What I’d planned on taking at most an hour, took over three. I didn’t even notice until I got out to my car and saw the clock on the dashboard. For me, the campus was a nice fit, but more importantly, the program was.
Interesting thing, the tangential conversations started with a comment on her artwork and music in the background. Happened to be two of my favorite artists, Beethoven and Van Gogh. She had a Klimt work over the door, too. Then we started talking about arts and entertainment. She’d moved here from a larger city, like myself, and was dying for a cultural scene. As much as I love Colorado Springs, culturally, it’s sorely lacking. I pointed out that it would require a drive to Denver, and for many of these things, it would be worth it. We lost another five minutes talking about the Artisans and Kings exhibit at the Denver Art Museum, and more time about the Denver Nature and Science museum Titanic exhibit. She hadn’t been, I recommended she go. That one started off with a comment that I was about sick to death of the Titanic, so I only went because I wanted to spend time with some friends. So worth the drive. And I wound up hanging out with my friends until midnight.
But I digress. Connected quite well, got a tour of the campus. Very small campus, very small classes, regionally accredited college. The last is the most important, since that affects transferability of credits and financial aid. Next thing I know, I’m registering as a student. Yup. A student. Like I said, I’d been considering going back to school for some time, just didn’t know why I would go. Now, if the financial aid works out, I’ll be starting classes in January, an MBA-Accounting candidate. Usually, when I make a decision I shouldn’t have, I regret it, experience buyer’s remorse. While I did wake up in the middle of the night experiencing a bit of anxiety, it was more about having to wait a quarter to start classes instead of starting right away.
I’m still looking for a job, I can take classes while working. I do, of course, have limitations as far as that goes, there are jobs I flat-out can’t do. But there has to be something out there, right?
This time, though, something clicked. Not sure if it was the euphoria left over from a stressful drive after a stressful day after a relaxing week, or if it’s the beginning of a mid-life crisis, but this one hit me differently. I had a voice mail message from a recruiter at Colorado Technical University. I’ve been toying with the idea of going back to school for some time, now, but I couldn’t decide for what. No point going back if you don’t know why you want to go. Waste of time and money if you do that. Well, I finally figured out a direction I’d like to go…don’t laugh…accounting. I called back and left a message telling her I was still very interested in meeting with her, to find out what CTU could do for me. Thursday, I met with her.
She and I clicked almost immediately. Dunno if she’s just an amazing sales person, or if we really did click that well, but it was an informative afternoon. What I’d planned on taking at most an hour, took over three. I didn’t even notice until I got out to my car and saw the clock on the dashboard. For me, the campus was a nice fit, but more importantly, the program was.
Interesting thing, the tangential conversations started with a comment on her artwork and music in the background. Happened to be two of my favorite artists, Beethoven and Van Gogh. She had a Klimt work over the door, too. Then we started talking about arts and entertainment. She’d moved here from a larger city, like myself, and was dying for a cultural scene. As much as I love Colorado Springs, culturally, it’s sorely lacking. I pointed out that it would require a drive to Denver, and for many of these things, it would be worth it. We lost another five minutes talking about the Artisans and Kings exhibit at the Denver Art Museum, and more time about the Denver Nature and Science museum Titanic exhibit. She hadn’t been, I recommended she go. That one started off with a comment that I was about sick to death of the Titanic, so I only went because I wanted to spend time with some friends. So worth the drive. And I wound up hanging out with my friends until midnight.
But I digress. Connected quite well, got a tour of the campus. Very small campus, very small classes, regionally accredited college. The last is the most important, since that affects transferability of credits and financial aid. Next thing I know, I’m registering as a student. Yup. A student. Like I said, I’d been considering going back to school for some time, just didn’t know why I would go. Now, if the financial aid works out, I’ll be starting classes in January, an MBA-Accounting candidate. Usually, when I make a decision I shouldn’t have, I regret it, experience buyer’s remorse. While I did wake up in the middle of the night experiencing a bit of anxiety, it was more about having to wait a quarter to start classes instead of starting right away.
I’m still looking for a job, I can take classes while working. I do, of course, have limitations as far as that goes, there are jobs I flat-out can’t do. But there has to be something out there, right?
It Really IS Blue and Orange
Monday morning, I still hadn’t decided whether or not I was going to drive home. After the accident just the night before, I was still a little shaky. Honestly, I think I was even a little “shocky.” I wound up going to bed much earlier than usual, and was absolutely freezing the whole time. It wasn’t that cold. Not really. But I couldn’t get warm for anything. Kinda like a fever without the achiness. I did, though, manage to get to sleep and get over the feverish conditions. Woke up some time before dawn burning up. Not like a fever burning up, but like being covered by too many blankets burning up. Felt better about that, then. I heard my aunt getting herself ready for work at that ungodly hour and tried to decide whether or not I would get up or try to get back to sleep. One tragic thing about me, once I’m up, I’m up. Doesn’t matter if it’s 9:30 or 3:30 in the morning, if I’ve gotten 9 hours or only 2 and a half hours of sleep, I’m up. Once she was out the door, I decided to quit fighting it and get up. The previous evening, my aunt was making sure I had everything ready to go and saying goodbye, in case I decided to leave. Now whether or not she was giving me a hint, I don’t know. Some people would do that, others would just try to be prepared. I really wanted to get home, I had to get my mail and try and figure out what I’d do for a living, and staying down there, in Denialville, wasn’t helping any more.
Just to see how I’d feel about driving a car without a side-view mirror on the driver’s side, I decided to go out for breakfast. Nothing special, just something fast food. I had to go into the restaurant, because I did not want to roll down my window only to find I couldn’t roll it back up. It was raining and cold, after all, and I had 700 miles or so to go. Not fun if I couldn’t roll up my window. Driving around a bit, I also filled my car tank. Maybe all told about 5 miles driving around on city streets, with other cars. Okay. Not optimal, but I could do it. So, back I went to my aunt’s house, finished packing, and hit the road.
I lost about half an hour trying to get out of Tulsa. I wasn’t able to reverse my directions for some reason. Lucky for me, my aunt had gotten me a few maps of a few states and cities, so I was able to look it up, after realizing that I was getting farther away from Colorado instead of closer. Wish I’d looked it up sooner, I could have been on my way all the sooner, and used less gas. At last, though, I was on the way.
At the outset, the drive didn’t seem all that bad. There were some confusing moments, times when the routes shown didn’t quite make sense, but I got over it. To keep myself from getting bored, I set little goals, something I also did on the way down. My first goal was the Oklahoma-Kansas border, then Wichita, and so forth. Drives that were within the realm of realistic for the mileage my car gets. As the drive wore on, the game became more and more important. Going east through western Kansas, still interesting. Going west through western Kansas, still incredibly boring. And since I hadn’t slept well, I was also tired. Arrgh! I lost a bit of time having to take frequent breaks just to keep from driving off the road. The brown fields on either side of me didn’t look particularly inviting.
The last goal I made was to reach Kanorado (Kanarado?) by sunset. I’d actually hoped to be in Limon, Colorado by sunset, but after my extensive tour of Tulsa and then the frequent rest breaks on the way, that just wasn’t going to happen. I did, however, get to laugh at a few people who were speeding (speed limit through Kansas is 70, through Colorado 75), who blew by me like I was standing still, later passing them because they were standing still, waiting for their speeding ticket. Didn’t save them any time at all. Hah ha!
Right, so anyway, I wanted to make the Kansas-Colorado border by sunset. Fortunately for me, I managed to reach that goal. Y’know what? I saw the sunset.
Now, I’ve seen many sunsets in many cities and states, and at many elevations, from below sea level in New Orleans to over 10,000 feet in western Colorado, and many times of the year. And they’re almost always spectacular - rather than merely “pretty.” This one, well, this one surprised me. There’s a bumper sticker I’ve seen around here, a Broncos sticker that says “If God isn’t a Broncos fan, why are sunsets Blue and Orange?” I’d never seen this mythical sunset, not anywhere in Colorado. Not in the cities, not in the areas around the cities, not in the areas nowhere near cities. Based on the sunsets I’d seen, if anything, God was a Steelers fan, with the black sky and yellow just above the horizon. Just hadn’t seen it. Until now.
Finally reaching my goal of the Kansas-Colorado border, I relaxed. I was in the home stretch. Then I looked. Really looked. The straight ribbon of highway disappeared into the eastern plains of Colorado. Off to the right, I was greeted by a weather-beaten sign, welcoming me to Colorful Colorado, a claim I sincerely doubted when I first moved here, and now heartily support. To the left, small hills, with bits of raw granite showing through the tiny cliffs, covered by the sere grasses of the winter. And right in front of me, the sunset. The sky directly above was a deep indigo, gradually becoming a pale blue, and suddenly, orange. Broncos orange. There was no intervening band of a blue-orange, it just went from pale blue to orange. What an incredible sight.
Perhaps I was a bit more enchanted because I was so happy to finally be close to Colorado Springs, relatively speaking. Perhaps I was tired enough that anything would have been incredible to my eyes. What I know, though, is that it was a beautiful sight, one I hope I won’t forget for some time to come.
Just to see how I’d feel about driving a car without a side-view mirror on the driver’s side, I decided to go out for breakfast. Nothing special, just something fast food. I had to go into the restaurant, because I did not want to roll down my window only to find I couldn’t roll it back up. It was raining and cold, after all, and I had 700 miles or so to go. Not fun if I couldn’t roll up my window. Driving around a bit, I also filled my car tank. Maybe all told about 5 miles driving around on city streets, with other cars. Okay. Not optimal, but I could do it. So, back I went to my aunt’s house, finished packing, and hit the road.
I lost about half an hour trying to get out of Tulsa. I wasn’t able to reverse my directions for some reason. Lucky for me, my aunt had gotten me a few maps of a few states and cities, so I was able to look it up, after realizing that I was getting farther away from Colorado instead of closer. Wish I’d looked it up sooner, I could have been on my way all the sooner, and used less gas. At last, though, I was on the way.
At the outset, the drive didn’t seem all that bad. There were some confusing moments, times when the routes shown didn’t quite make sense, but I got over it. To keep myself from getting bored, I set little goals, something I also did on the way down. My first goal was the Oklahoma-Kansas border, then Wichita, and so forth. Drives that were within the realm of realistic for the mileage my car gets. As the drive wore on, the game became more and more important. Going east through western Kansas, still interesting. Going west through western Kansas, still incredibly boring. And since I hadn’t slept well, I was also tired. Arrgh! I lost a bit of time having to take frequent breaks just to keep from driving off the road. The brown fields on either side of me didn’t look particularly inviting.
The last goal I made was to reach Kanorado (Kanarado?) by sunset. I’d actually hoped to be in Limon, Colorado by sunset, but after my extensive tour of Tulsa and then the frequent rest breaks on the way, that just wasn’t going to happen. I did, however, get to laugh at a few people who were speeding (speed limit through Kansas is 70, through Colorado 75), who blew by me like I was standing still, later passing them because they were standing still, waiting for their speeding ticket. Didn’t save them any time at all. Hah ha!
Right, so anyway, I wanted to make the Kansas-Colorado border by sunset. Fortunately for me, I managed to reach that goal. Y’know what? I saw the sunset.
Now, I’ve seen many sunsets in many cities and states, and at many elevations, from below sea level in New Orleans to over 10,000 feet in western Colorado, and many times of the year. And they’re almost always spectacular - rather than merely “pretty.” This one, well, this one surprised me. There’s a bumper sticker I’ve seen around here, a Broncos sticker that says “If God isn’t a Broncos fan, why are sunsets Blue and Orange?” I’d never seen this mythical sunset, not anywhere in Colorado. Not in the cities, not in the areas around the cities, not in the areas nowhere near cities. Based on the sunsets I’d seen, if anything, God was a Steelers fan, with the black sky and yellow just above the horizon. Just hadn’t seen it. Until now.
Finally reaching my goal of the Kansas-Colorado border, I relaxed. I was in the home stretch. Then I looked. Really looked. The straight ribbon of highway disappeared into the eastern plains of Colorado. Off to the right, I was greeted by a weather-beaten sign, welcoming me to Colorful Colorado, a claim I sincerely doubted when I first moved here, and now heartily support. To the left, small hills, with bits of raw granite showing through the tiny cliffs, covered by the sere grasses of the winter. And right in front of me, the sunset. The sky directly above was a deep indigo, gradually becoming a pale blue, and suddenly, orange. Broncos orange. There was no intervening band of a blue-orange, it just went from pale blue to orange. What an incredible sight.
Perhaps I was a bit more enchanted because I was so happy to finally be close to Colorado Springs, relatively speaking. Perhaps I was tired enough that anything would have been incredible to my eyes. What I know, though, is that it was a beautiful sight, one I hope I won’t forget for some time to come.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Home Team Wins
Posted November 25, 2007 from Tulsa, OK
Y'know, this whole having access to high-speed internet has made me a bloggin' fool. Maybe I should consider rejoining the 21st century.
This afternoon was a great thing. A beautiful thing. After I got used to the idea that my Titans/Bengals game (and if you've read my site, you would know I bleed Black and Orange) would be on an hour later, at noon instead of eleven, I got settled in. Since I'm in Oklahoma, the game that was broadcast was the KC/Oak game. That was a bit of a shocker, the outcome there, but that's not where I'm going.
Since I couldn't watch on TV, like I never can, I went to NFL.com to watch the play-by-play on Game Center, and opened another window for the Bengals message board (Colorado 'Nati Girl). Since I'm at my aunt's house, I have access to high-speed internet. I found a Cincinnati station that streamed their broadcast online. Yay! So while I couldn't see the game, I could see and hear the play-by-play. Sure, I know it could be another 10 years before we have another winning season, I've been a fan since 1981, I know that. But win or lose, I was excited to be there. I mean, let's face it, anyone who follows football knows that the Bengals just aren't doing it this year. The talent is there, they just weren't behaving as a team, and I'm not sure why.
That is, they weren't until today.
Right from the beginning, it was looking good. But I've been burnt by that before. So while I was excited, I was not quite convinced this game would go the way it seemed it would. Before I knew it, though, I'd be in shock. Yes, shock. I almost felt like it was 2005 again.
Sorry, I'm getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it. I'm so happy. Seriously. I love my Bengals, for better or for worse. If I could have applied that same devotion to relationships, I'd probably still be married, but that's neither here nor there.
First, in their first drive, they went three and out. And not for lack of trying. But we held them. Yeah, the Bengals defense. Then we moved the ball along for about five minutes, ending up with a TOUCHDOWN by Rudi Johnson. He hasn't been doing too well, lately, a little beat up. He's good for short yardage, though, much like Jerome Bettis was. Three minutes later, Vince throws a pick, something that in the past meant a score for the Bengals. In the distant past. Sadly, this time it was the same story. The drive went through the second quarter resulting in a missed 26-yard field goal. Now, I personally couldn't possibly manage a field goal of any distance, but Shane Graham, the man who scored all 21 of our points against Baltimore a couple weeks ago, is up there with Vinateri as far as reliability is concerned. S'okay, though, nobody's perfect. Still love ya, Shane.
Sadly, later in the 2nd, Tennesee also got a turnover, and converted it to 3 points. We were still ahead, but how long would it last? There's a lot of heart with the Bengals, obvious by the fact that they get so disappointed when they do poorly that it's nearly impossible for them to recover. Oh well. We answered in our next possession, with OCHO CINCO getting his first TD since game TWO! Yeah, baby! Okay, so he got 15 yards for his celebration, but y'know, like Marvin, I was just thrilled to know Chad was happy. I knew that generally, he wouldn't cost the team yards, money or points.
Tennesse then answered with another FG, 'cuz they couldn't get past the Cincinnati defensive line. You read that right, our D showed UP!
Another rushing TD in the 3rd, and another OCHO CINCO TD in the third. No, he didn't celebrate. Like I said, he's not like that.
The fourth quarter got even more exciting. there was a THIRD CHAD JOHNSON TOUCHDOWN! He's BACK, baby! I knew he had it in him.
To make it even better, though, there was a Titan's TD that was reversed. Marvin tossed the challenge flag, and the review showed the carrier was down before the score. The Bengals Defense held the Titans at the 1 for two more downs. At this point, I was delirious. We weren't just going to win, we were going to win BIG!
I'm so proud of my Bengals. I really am. Even if we'd lost, I wasn't about to get rid of my gear. I still have my 1981 AFC Central Championship T-shirt. I still have my 1988 Who-Dey Hanky. And my newer acquisitions, my sweatshirts (including the 2005 AFC North Championship sweat), 85 jersey, car flags (three of them), and car decal, well, those aren't going anywhere. Win or lose, like I said.
But today, it was easy to be a Bengals fan.
And now, next week, a division game. Steelers/Bengals. And I just found out, it's a SUNDAY NIGHT GAME!
WHO DEY?!? WHO DEY?!? WHO DEY THINK GON' BEAT DEM BENGALS?!?
Yes, I know, I've seen the record. Don't care. Still gonna scream it at the top of my lungs.
Y'know, this whole having access to high-speed internet has made me a bloggin' fool. Maybe I should consider rejoining the 21st century.
This afternoon was a great thing. A beautiful thing. After I got used to the idea that my Titans/Bengals game (and if you've read my site, you would know I bleed Black and Orange) would be on an hour later, at noon instead of eleven, I got settled in. Since I'm in Oklahoma, the game that was broadcast was the KC/Oak game. That was a bit of a shocker, the outcome there, but that's not where I'm going.
Since I couldn't watch on TV, like I never can, I went to NFL.com to watch the play-by-play on Game Center, and opened another window for the Bengals message board (Colorado 'Nati Girl). Since I'm at my aunt's house, I have access to high-speed internet. I found a Cincinnati station that streamed their broadcast online. Yay! So while I couldn't see the game, I could see and hear the play-by-play. Sure, I know it could be another 10 years before we have another winning season, I've been a fan since 1981, I know that. But win or lose, I was excited to be there. I mean, let's face it, anyone who follows football knows that the Bengals just aren't doing it this year. The talent is there, they just weren't behaving as a team, and I'm not sure why.
That is, they weren't until today.
Right from the beginning, it was looking good. But I've been burnt by that before. So while I was excited, I was not quite convinced this game would go the way it seemed it would. Before I knew it, though, I'd be in shock. Yes, shock. I almost felt like it was 2005 again.
Sorry, I'm getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it. I'm so happy. Seriously. I love my Bengals, for better or for worse. If I could have applied that same devotion to relationships, I'd probably still be married, but that's neither here nor there.
First, in their first drive, they went three and out. And not for lack of trying. But we held them. Yeah, the Bengals defense. Then we moved the ball along for about five minutes, ending up with a TOUCHDOWN by Rudi Johnson. He hasn't been doing too well, lately, a little beat up. He's good for short yardage, though, much like Jerome Bettis was. Three minutes later, Vince throws a pick, something that in the past meant a score for the Bengals. In the distant past. Sadly, this time it was the same story. The drive went through the second quarter resulting in a missed 26-yard field goal. Now, I personally couldn't possibly manage a field goal of any distance, but Shane Graham, the man who scored all 21 of our points against Baltimore a couple weeks ago, is up there with Vinateri as far as reliability is concerned. S'okay, though, nobody's perfect. Still love ya, Shane.
Sadly, later in the 2nd, Tennesee also got a turnover, and converted it to 3 points. We were still ahead, but how long would it last? There's a lot of heart with the Bengals, obvious by the fact that they get so disappointed when they do poorly that it's nearly impossible for them to recover. Oh well. We answered in our next possession, with OCHO CINCO getting his first TD since game TWO! Yeah, baby! Okay, so he got 15 yards for his celebration, but y'know, like Marvin, I was just thrilled to know Chad was happy. I knew that generally, he wouldn't cost the team yards, money or points.
Tennesse then answered with another FG, 'cuz they couldn't get past the Cincinnati defensive line. You read that right, our D showed UP!
Another rushing TD in the 3rd, and another OCHO CINCO TD in the third. No, he didn't celebrate. Like I said, he's not like that.
The fourth quarter got even more exciting. there was a THIRD CHAD JOHNSON TOUCHDOWN! He's BACK, baby! I knew he had it in him.
To make it even better, though, there was a Titan's TD that was reversed. Marvin tossed the challenge flag, and the review showed the carrier was down before the score. The Bengals Defense held the Titans at the 1 for two more downs. At this point, I was delirious. We weren't just going to win, we were going to win BIG!
I'm so proud of my Bengals. I really am. Even if we'd lost, I wasn't about to get rid of my gear. I still have my 1981 AFC Central Championship T-shirt. I still have my 1988 Who-Dey Hanky. And my newer acquisitions, my sweatshirts (including the 2005 AFC North Championship sweat), 85 jersey, car flags (three of them), and car decal, well, those aren't going anywhere. Win or lose, like I said.
But today, it was easy to be a Bengals fan.
And now, next week, a division game. Steelers/Bengals. And I just found out, it's a SUNDAY NIGHT GAME!
WHO DEY?!? WHO DEY?!? WHO DEY THINK GON' BEAT DEM BENGALS?!?
Yes, I know, I've seen the record. Don't care. Still gonna scream it at the top of my lungs.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thanksgiving Memories
Posted November 23, 2007 from Tulsa, OK
Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day. Lovely day here in Tulsa. A little cold, sure, but it is November, after all. Up early, I began to prepare our feast. 'Cuz I wanted to. Tired of cooking for one person, I got to prepare food for four. Yay! By "early," by the way, I mean, like, 9. Early enough.
Sweet potato pies in the oven, I prepared the cornmuffin mix for the stuffing, which would be dressing since we only had turkey breast and no cavity for stuffing stuff. Oh well. We must adapt. Just toss that into a casserole dish and bake it. While the pies were baking, I set to chopping the celery and onions for the stuffing cum dressing. Something I've done for years. I used to work in a cafeteria kitchen for crying out loud. The actual cooking wasn't something I did, although I did have the occasional turn at the stainless steel oar in a soup or two. I did, however, get to chop and clean and rinse and plate up. The grunt work. I watch Food Network because it's interesting to me. My mother taught me how to handle a knife when I was young, probably because I was interested, not because she wanted to impart some special knowledge.
So yesterday, midway through a lovely yellow onion, the mini santoku knife I used slipped. Well, no, that's not accurate. The knife went exactly where it was supposed to go. Unfortunately, so did my left thumb. Lucky for me it was a mini santoku. If it was my knife, I'd have wound up in the ER with a severed digit at best. Calling out from the kitchen, I asked where my aunt kept her bandages. My aunt the RN. Yeah. Having known my mother, since it was her sister, she decided to see for herself just how severe this cut really was. I dunno, she seemed to think dripping blood into her trash can was severe. I missed the fingernail, most of my thumb was still intact. I'd be fine.
Of course, in my household, the only injury that would get mom anxious was a completely severed limb. Anything less was walked off. Oh, there were hospital trips of course, but none of them were ever treated as much of a big deal. Not really worrying too much about the piece of thumb just barely hanging on, I just wanted a bandage so I could finish chopping the onions.
Sadly, my aunt, the aforementioned RN, had other ideas. I had to sit with my arm elevated for 15 minutes before she would even look at it in more detail. Something about stopping the bleeding so it can be treated effectively. At least I could still see the Macy's parade while I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, time to rinse off the damaged digit and wrap 'er up. Of course, this meant my cooking days were over. No more chopping of onions, and the celery was still left to be diced. My aunt finished those up. I couldn't mash the potatoes, my cousin had to help with that. And as for taking things out of the oven, forget it. Already burned one of her favorite oven mitts, so I was banned form there, too. There are days I wonder why I haven't burned my house down. I know my father's wondered that himself. But then I remind myself that even the most competent, talented or telegenic chef has probably had moments when he or she felt like a complete naïf in the kitchen.
Even though I was supposed to sit and relax, the severity of my sever fresh enough to bleed anew with the slightest provocation, I continued to cook. My aunt, again familiar with my mother, decided it would be easier to humor me. She did, of course, put her foot down in a few instances. Like, I'm no longer allowed to handle a knife. I'm on probation. If I can get through Christmas without removing any other body part, my probation will be lifted. The meal I wanted to cook for my family was left to the person who was planning on enjoying the day off. We had other help, though, and I could still do a few things. While I couldn't mash the potatoes, I could add the seasonings and milk. I couldn't put the dressing in the oven, but I could at least mix everything up. Standing around in the kitchen was adversely affecting my injury, so I couldn't really watch everything as I'd preferred. Having to abandon my duties, my pies were overdone, the crust a little burnt. The dressing was also overdone, forgot about it in the oven. Fortunately, most of it, I could salvage. The turkey, I'd say, was on par with most people who have some idea what they're doing. The mashed potatoes were great, though, and gobbled down with enthusiasm. As was the dressing, the turkey, and the pie.
Later, there would be karaoke and closing bars, and fruitless searches for a snack before bed, but not before passing Toys 'R' Us and seeing a line around the building at 4:15 AM. Kohls was already open, of course, to what end, I don't know, but that's another story entirely.
This one is about food that wasn't done the way everyone wanted, and people who didn't actually care, 'cuz they were with people they loved.
Totally one of the best Thanksgivings ever!
Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day. Lovely day here in Tulsa. A little cold, sure, but it is November, after all. Up early, I began to prepare our feast. 'Cuz I wanted to. Tired of cooking for one person, I got to prepare food for four. Yay! By "early," by the way, I mean, like, 9. Early enough.
Sweet potato pies in the oven, I prepared the cornmuffin mix for the stuffing, which would be dressing since we only had turkey breast and no cavity for stuffing stuff. Oh well. We must adapt. Just toss that into a casserole dish and bake it. While the pies were baking, I set to chopping the celery and onions for the stuffing cum dressing. Something I've done for years. I used to work in a cafeteria kitchen for crying out loud. The actual cooking wasn't something I did, although I did have the occasional turn at the stainless steel oar in a soup or two. I did, however, get to chop and clean and rinse and plate up. The grunt work. I watch Food Network because it's interesting to me. My mother taught me how to handle a knife when I was young, probably because I was interested, not because she wanted to impart some special knowledge.
So yesterday, midway through a lovely yellow onion, the mini santoku knife I used slipped. Well, no, that's not accurate. The knife went exactly where it was supposed to go. Unfortunately, so did my left thumb. Lucky for me it was a mini santoku. If it was my knife, I'd have wound up in the ER with a severed digit at best. Calling out from the kitchen, I asked where my aunt kept her bandages. My aunt the RN. Yeah. Having known my mother, since it was her sister, she decided to see for herself just how severe this cut really was. I dunno, she seemed to think dripping blood into her trash can was severe. I missed the fingernail, most of my thumb was still intact. I'd be fine.
Of course, in my household, the only injury that would get mom anxious was a completely severed limb. Anything less was walked off. Oh, there were hospital trips of course, but none of them were ever treated as much of a big deal. Not really worrying too much about the piece of thumb just barely hanging on, I just wanted a bandage so I could finish chopping the onions.
Sadly, my aunt, the aforementioned RN, had other ideas. I had to sit with my arm elevated for 15 minutes before she would even look at it in more detail. Something about stopping the bleeding so it can be treated effectively. At least I could still see the Macy's parade while I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, time to rinse off the damaged digit and wrap 'er up. Of course, this meant my cooking days were over. No more chopping of onions, and the celery was still left to be diced. My aunt finished those up. I couldn't mash the potatoes, my cousin had to help with that. And as for taking things out of the oven, forget it. Already burned one of her favorite oven mitts, so I was banned form there, too. There are days I wonder why I haven't burned my house down. I know my father's wondered that himself. But then I remind myself that even the most competent, talented or telegenic chef has probably had moments when he or she felt like a complete naïf in the kitchen.
Even though I was supposed to sit and relax, the severity of my sever fresh enough to bleed anew with the slightest provocation, I continued to cook. My aunt, again familiar with my mother, decided it would be easier to humor me. She did, of course, put her foot down in a few instances. Like, I'm no longer allowed to handle a knife. I'm on probation. If I can get through Christmas without removing any other body part, my probation will be lifted. The meal I wanted to cook for my family was left to the person who was planning on enjoying the day off. We had other help, though, and I could still do a few things. While I couldn't mash the potatoes, I could add the seasonings and milk. I couldn't put the dressing in the oven, but I could at least mix everything up. Standing around in the kitchen was adversely affecting my injury, so I couldn't really watch everything as I'd preferred. Having to abandon my duties, my pies were overdone, the crust a little burnt. The dressing was also overdone, forgot about it in the oven. Fortunately, most of it, I could salvage. The turkey, I'd say, was on par with most people who have some idea what they're doing. The mashed potatoes were great, though, and gobbled down with enthusiasm. As was the dressing, the turkey, and the pie.
Later, there would be karaoke and closing bars, and fruitless searches for a snack before bed, but not before passing Toys 'R' Us and seeing a line around the building at 4:15 AM. Kohls was already open, of course, to what end, I don't know, but that's another story entirely.
This one is about food that wasn't done the way everyone wanted, and people who didn't actually care, 'cuz they were with people they loved.
Totally one of the best Thanksgivings ever!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Tulsa Travels
Posted November 20, 2007 from Tulsa, OK
So, since I don't have a job, and I don't really have family nearby, I decided, what the heck, I'm going to Tulsa. I have family down there. So, I hopped in my car - high-topped roller skate, aerodynamic as a brick - and filled 'er up, and away I went.
Can I afford to take the trip? No, of course not. I won't be paying any more bills this month. At least it'll be a few months before they foreclose on me. And right now, my credit card is current. Thank goodness for that, or I wouldn't have gotten very far at all.
But I digress. Driving through eastern Colorado, about five hours after I originally planned to be on the road, I realized that the bleak landscape had changed for me. Once, I'd considered it desolate and barren. Now, I recognized the special beauty of the eastern plains. Whereas back in Ohio, the beauty would be flora and the occasional fauna, in Colorado, the beauty is mineral. And the occasional fauna. Although I didn't see any this trip, I still can't get over seeing herds of antelope. I know, I know, the song "Home on the Range" specifically mentions antelope, but it's one thing to hear about them, and another entirely to see them running around. Weird.
As I crossed the border into Kansas, I realized something else. Coming from Ohio, it, too, is a bleak, desolate landscape. Coming from Colorado, in November, it has its own beauty. Again, mineral, rather than plant or animal. The way the land jutted up in various places, displaying how, while man may think he's superior, the land will still take its own back. It was magnificent. Then, about 100 miles in, I decided I was wrong, Kansas is still a boring drive. Another 20 miles and I changed back. I'm fickle that way.
By the time I reached the Oklahoma border, it was dark. I'd forgotten about the fact that there's much less daylight this close to the Winter Solstice. How I could forget, I don't know. This time of year is always miserable for me, I so prefer to have sunlight than darkness. I tend to be ruled by the seasons. In summer, I sleep less and do more. In winter, I basically hibernate. Perhaps it was the added bonus of being without a job that distracted me from this particular fact.
I drove through Oklahoma, following my directions, and praying I wouldn't get lost. I was at one point impressed with myself. I'm a city kid. I am perfectly comfortable on the streets of Chicago at 2 in the morning. Take me out to a road with no houses nearby, no city lights, no cars, and basically, no people, and I will panic. Last night, though, as I drove through the vast emptiness that is rural Oklahoma, I realized that there was Orion, big as day, so close I could touch him, and I wasn't nervous. I even got to see a shooting star. That all might have changed if I'd had to get out of the car for whatever reason, but for the longest time, I couldn't even have driven that route. Big improvement.
So now I sit waiting for my cousin to wake up, so I can go back to my aunt's house, where I have my books and clothes and other things to do. I want to go to the grocery store - yes, I know it's insane - and pick up a few things, since we're suddenly eating at her house. Just a couple things to round out the menu. Meanwhile, I can ponder the vagaries of heredity. Before leaving for bars and such, I marveled at the similarities between my aunt and her sister, my mother. I mentioned it to her, and in typical family revenge, she threw back that I reminded her of my mother, too. Inescapable. There were weird moments when I watched her facial expressions and behaviors, and saw my mother looking back at me. It was a good thing.
It's nice to be with family for the holidays. I hope to come back for Christmas. Now, if only my cousin would hurry up and get out of bed. I'm bored.
So, since I don't have a job, and I don't really have family nearby, I decided, what the heck, I'm going to Tulsa. I have family down there. So, I hopped in my car - high-topped roller skate, aerodynamic as a brick - and filled 'er up, and away I went.
Can I afford to take the trip? No, of course not. I won't be paying any more bills this month. At least it'll be a few months before they foreclose on me. And right now, my credit card is current. Thank goodness for that, or I wouldn't have gotten very far at all.
But I digress. Driving through eastern Colorado, about five hours after I originally planned to be on the road, I realized that the bleak landscape had changed for me. Once, I'd considered it desolate and barren. Now, I recognized the special beauty of the eastern plains. Whereas back in Ohio, the beauty would be flora and the occasional fauna, in Colorado, the beauty is mineral. And the occasional fauna. Although I didn't see any this trip, I still can't get over seeing herds of antelope. I know, I know, the song "Home on the Range" specifically mentions antelope, but it's one thing to hear about them, and another entirely to see them running around. Weird.
As I crossed the border into Kansas, I realized something else. Coming from Ohio, it, too, is a bleak, desolate landscape. Coming from Colorado, in November, it has its own beauty. Again, mineral, rather than plant or animal. The way the land jutted up in various places, displaying how, while man may think he's superior, the land will still take its own back. It was magnificent. Then, about 100 miles in, I decided I was wrong, Kansas is still a boring drive. Another 20 miles and I changed back. I'm fickle that way.
By the time I reached the Oklahoma border, it was dark. I'd forgotten about the fact that there's much less daylight this close to the Winter Solstice. How I could forget, I don't know. This time of year is always miserable for me, I so prefer to have sunlight than darkness. I tend to be ruled by the seasons. In summer, I sleep less and do more. In winter, I basically hibernate. Perhaps it was the added bonus of being without a job that distracted me from this particular fact.
I drove through Oklahoma, following my directions, and praying I wouldn't get lost. I was at one point impressed with myself. I'm a city kid. I am perfectly comfortable on the streets of Chicago at 2 in the morning. Take me out to a road with no houses nearby, no city lights, no cars, and basically, no people, and I will panic. Last night, though, as I drove through the vast emptiness that is rural Oklahoma, I realized that there was Orion, big as day, so close I could touch him, and I wasn't nervous. I even got to see a shooting star. That all might have changed if I'd had to get out of the car for whatever reason, but for the longest time, I couldn't even have driven that route. Big improvement.
So now I sit waiting for my cousin to wake up, so I can go back to my aunt's house, where I have my books and clothes and other things to do. I want to go to the grocery store - yes, I know it's insane - and pick up a few things, since we're suddenly eating at her house. Just a couple things to round out the menu. Meanwhile, I can ponder the vagaries of heredity. Before leaving for bars and such, I marveled at the similarities between my aunt and her sister, my mother. I mentioned it to her, and in typical family revenge, she threw back that I reminded her of my mother, too. Inescapable. There were weird moments when I watched her facial expressions and behaviors, and saw my mother looking back at me. It was a good thing.
It's nice to be with family for the holidays. I hope to come back for Christmas. Now, if only my cousin would hurry up and get out of bed. I'm bored.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Colorado Strikes Again
Posted October 21, 2007
Ah, Colorado. Don't like the weather? Wait a few minutes, it'll change. You hear that said about a lot of places. I always felt it was particularly apropos for my home town, Cincinnati. But then, I thought Indiana was the middle of nowhere. Drive through Kansas or Nebraska, you'll see the middle of nowhere. I don't even want to drive through Nevada.
As for weather, I thought it was a big deal for a 20 degree difference in temperature from one day to the next. Here, you can get that in a matter of hours, and it's not that unusual. Lack of humidity, temperature drops dramatically at night.
At this latitude, October may or may not be warm. That much I experienced back home. You planned your costume around your winter coat, since Halloween could be 70, could be snow. Same with Christmas. That much I'm used to. What I'm not used to is the dramatic changes from one day to the next.
Yesterday, October 20, it was nice and warm, about 70. It's mid-October, but that's no big deal. It's been warm for a week or so. We still haven't had more than one night below freezing. Well, not until last night, anyway.
I wake up this morning, expecting it to be colder. The wind blew through here like angry spirits, exposing any leaks in the windows and walls. I just finished weatherstripping my front door and patio door, so I don't have many leaks. Kinda proud of that, actually. Nice and tight. Just have to get the windows.
But I digress. I knew it was going to be cold, about 30-40 degrees cooler than yesterday. Not that unusual, I've been here long enough. And yet, it still throws me. As I got out of bed, I saw through the window across the room. I was trying to determine just how late I'd slept. Didn't want to miss CBS pre-game show. I had just a few minutes to get to a TV. Without my glasses, I'm pretty blind, so I don't generally try to actually see out the window. However, I noticed that it was particularly bright this morning, brighter than it should be, even with full sun. That could only mean...no, it couldn't...that's ridiculous...
It's true! Snow! Seventies yesterday, snow today. Nothing much, maybe half an inch on some spots, light and fluffy stuff. But it's snow!!! That, I've not yet gotten used to.
When I talk to people from other areas, they assume it's always snowing here. Well, it's not. Yes, in the mountains, it snows from September on, the ski areas open as early as possible, sometimes in mid-September. They're at a higher altitude, usually 9000 feet or higher. Colorado Springs is only at 6000 feet or so (that's right, higher than Denver). One thing you'll notice if you drive around out here, the west is obsessed with altitude. Never saw altitude on signs back home, but once I crossed into Colorado, nearly all city signs, even cities with populations of 6 - and they exist - have the altitude on them.
Anyway, altitude is a factor in the weather. So is location. East of the mountains, where most of the people live, is drier than in the mountains. The first snow I heard reported Frisco, Colorado, just over 9000 feet. It's not too far from South Park - real place. Mining town.
A few years ago in July, I drove from the Springs to I-70. All I was doing was wandering around, just wanted to get to know my new state a little better. It was in the mid-eighties here in the Springs. I drove through Denver on I-25 and then connected to I-70 from there. Pleasant drive once you're out of Denver traffic. I-70 is a very busy interstate, on par with I-75 from Michigan to Florida. Could be two in the morning and it's still crowded. One big difference, though. To get a weather change like I experienced, you'd have to drive from Michigan to at least Kentucky. Not here.
I drove from Colorado Springs, 70 miles or so north to Denver, then 60 miles west to the Eisenhower tunnel. Less than the distance between Detroit and Cincinnati. It's a bit of an eyesore, compared to the landscape, but if you're into that sort of thing, really interesting history and construction. Well, I found it fascinating, anyway.
Denver is at 5280 feet (hey, that's a mile...), Colorado Springs at just over 6000. Eisenhower tunnel is over 11,000. It was in the eighties in the Springs, about the same in Denver. It was snowing at the Tunnel. Not just snowing, but blizzard. Nearly white-out conditions, actually. This wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have the top off of my car, or if my tires weren't bald as Howie Mandel.
Did I mention it was July?
Colorado Strikes Again. It doesn't snow much in Colorado Springs, especially not compared to the mountain towns like Grand Junction. The temperature is usually pretty mild in the winter, unlike the heat sink of Leadville and Gunnison. But once in a while, you get a day like this, where it was 70 yesterday, and snowing today.
Ah, Colorado. Don't like the weather? Wait a few minutes, it'll change. You hear that said about a lot of places. I always felt it was particularly apropos for my home town, Cincinnati. But then, I thought Indiana was the middle of nowhere. Drive through Kansas or Nebraska, you'll see the middle of nowhere. I don't even want to drive through Nevada.
As for weather, I thought it was a big deal for a 20 degree difference in temperature from one day to the next. Here, you can get that in a matter of hours, and it's not that unusual. Lack of humidity, temperature drops dramatically at night.
At this latitude, October may or may not be warm. That much I experienced back home. You planned your costume around your winter coat, since Halloween could be 70, could be snow. Same with Christmas. That much I'm used to. What I'm not used to is the dramatic changes from one day to the next.
Yesterday, October 20, it was nice and warm, about 70. It's mid-October, but that's no big deal. It's been warm for a week or so. We still haven't had more than one night below freezing. Well, not until last night, anyway.
I wake up this morning, expecting it to be colder. The wind blew through here like angry spirits, exposing any leaks in the windows and walls. I just finished weatherstripping my front door and patio door, so I don't have many leaks. Kinda proud of that, actually. Nice and tight. Just have to get the windows.
But I digress. I knew it was going to be cold, about 30-40 degrees cooler than yesterday. Not that unusual, I've been here long enough. And yet, it still throws me. As I got out of bed, I saw through the window across the room. I was trying to determine just how late I'd slept. Didn't want to miss CBS pre-game show. I had just a few minutes to get to a TV. Without my glasses, I'm pretty blind, so I don't generally try to actually see out the window. However, I noticed that it was particularly bright this morning, brighter than it should be, even with full sun. That could only mean...no, it couldn't...that's ridiculous...
It's true! Snow! Seventies yesterday, snow today. Nothing much, maybe half an inch on some spots, light and fluffy stuff. But it's snow!!! That, I've not yet gotten used to.
When I talk to people from other areas, they assume it's always snowing here. Well, it's not. Yes, in the mountains, it snows from September on, the ski areas open as early as possible, sometimes in mid-September. They're at a higher altitude, usually 9000 feet or higher. Colorado Springs is only at 6000 feet or so (that's right, higher than Denver). One thing you'll notice if you drive around out here, the west is obsessed with altitude. Never saw altitude on signs back home, but once I crossed into Colorado, nearly all city signs, even cities with populations of 6 - and they exist - have the altitude on them.
Anyway, altitude is a factor in the weather. So is location. East of the mountains, where most of the people live, is drier than in the mountains. The first snow I heard reported Frisco, Colorado, just over 9000 feet. It's not too far from South Park - real place. Mining town.
A few years ago in July, I drove from the Springs to I-70. All I was doing was wandering around, just wanted to get to know my new state a little better. It was in the mid-eighties here in the Springs. I drove through Denver on I-25 and then connected to I-70 from there. Pleasant drive once you're out of Denver traffic. I-70 is a very busy interstate, on par with I-75 from Michigan to Florida. Could be two in the morning and it's still crowded. One big difference, though. To get a weather change like I experienced, you'd have to drive from Michigan to at least Kentucky. Not here.
I drove from Colorado Springs, 70 miles or so north to Denver, then 60 miles west to the Eisenhower tunnel. Less than the distance between Detroit and Cincinnati. It's a bit of an eyesore, compared to the landscape, but if you're into that sort of thing, really interesting history and construction. Well, I found it fascinating, anyway.
Denver is at 5280 feet (hey, that's a mile...), Colorado Springs at just over 6000. Eisenhower tunnel is over 11,000. It was in the eighties in the Springs, about the same in Denver. It was snowing at the Tunnel. Not just snowing, but blizzard. Nearly white-out conditions, actually. This wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have the top off of my car, or if my tires weren't bald as Howie Mandel.
Did I mention it was July?
Colorado Strikes Again. It doesn't snow much in Colorado Springs, especially not compared to the mountain towns like Grand Junction. The temperature is usually pretty mild in the winter, unlike the heat sink of Leadville and Gunnison. But once in a while, you get a day like this, where it was 70 yesterday, and snowing today.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
TV Musings
Posted October 20, 2007
The new fall schedule has made my life more difficult. I have satellite and a DVR, so I have some advantage, in that I can record a show while I'm watching another. If I was willing to shell out a little more money a month, I could increase that. But really, do I need to watch that much TV? No. There are, though, a couple shows I really like. Network TV, not pay channels. Although, there are a few of those, too.
On NBC, there's the lead-in to Heroes, Chuck. Quirky little show, it's about a slacker who works at a computer store and gets tangled up with the CIA. It's amusing and disturbingly watchable. Here in the mountain time zone, it doesn't conflict with any pay channels, however, the show following, Heroes, is on opposite Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. As long as I'm not recording anything else, that's a non-issue. Fortunately, No Reservations rebroadcasts 3 hours later.
On ABC, there's Pushing Daisies. This one, I see as something you'd get if you crossed Dr. Seuss with Edward Gorey, and threw in a dash of Tim Burton. It's so absurd, it's cool. This would have been so easy to mess up, but for my tastes, they've gotten it right. It's an intelligent show, so I don't expect it to last more than two seasons.
Beyond those, there are my old standbys, like the original CSI, Criminal Minds, Numbers, and Heroes. Okay, so only one of those have been on for more than three seasons, but still...
I've also rediscovered The Simpsons and Family Guy. Gotta laugh, and those still do it for me.
Then there's what's available on pay TV. There were shows on BBC America that I enjoyed, but have since stopped watching that network. I've been waiting for over a year for the second season of Life on Mars. It's being redone for American television, with all the standard adjustments of beautiful people and vapid storylines, although maybe not so bad, since David E. Kelley is doing it. Just the same, it won't be the same. I was also hooked on Robin Hood, a lovely little show with a bit of comedy and a particularly evil Sheriff of Nottingham. Haven't heard anything about the second season of that one, either. Mostly, I'm disillusioned with BBCA, and refuse to get hooked on anything else, regardless of how interesting Torchwood looks to me.
USA has some neat little shows, like the old favorite, Monk, and a couple of new faves, Psych and Burn Notice. SciFi has Eureka, which I've been told has stolen plots from X-files. Well, since I had a hard time sticking with X-files and have no trouble at all following Eureka, I don't actually care where they get the plots. It's watchable.
At last, there's South Park. Morally opposed to the show at the outset, I refused to watch it. Nevermind the fact that I didn't have pay TV until July 2006, so I couldn't watch it anyway. A friend of mine talked so much about it, I finally caught an episode, and now I'm hooked. Intelligent potty humor. Go figure. The animators have no problems saying what's on their minds. One of my favorite episodes is "Trapped in the Closet," which basically makes Scientology look stupid. It's the show that made Isaac Hayes quit, since he's a Scientologist. He didn't have any issues with Moses as the central computer from Tron, or Jesus with his own public access show, and probably unfazed by the shows about Mormons. Pretty hypocritical to get upset over it. But it's a funny episode.
There are three channels I like to watch at any time of the day: National Geographic, Travel, Food Network and Turner Classic Movies. TCM is awesome for many reasons, not the least of which is there are movies that haven't been aired for years, and they're commercial free. On Sundays at 12 Eastern (10 Mountain), they show a silent movie or two. Anyone with any interest in the history of film should watch. I now see what the big deal was about Rudolph Valentino.
I've only had my satellite dish for a year and a half, after ten years of only having network TV. I can't imagine not having some pay channels any more. I'd lose my mind.
The new fall schedule has made my life more difficult. I have satellite and a DVR, so I have some advantage, in that I can record a show while I'm watching another. If I was willing to shell out a little more money a month, I could increase that. But really, do I need to watch that much TV? No. There are, though, a couple shows I really like. Network TV, not pay channels. Although, there are a few of those, too.
On NBC, there's the lead-in to Heroes, Chuck. Quirky little show, it's about a slacker who works at a computer store and gets tangled up with the CIA. It's amusing and disturbingly watchable. Here in the mountain time zone, it doesn't conflict with any pay channels, however, the show following, Heroes, is on opposite Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. As long as I'm not recording anything else, that's a non-issue. Fortunately, No Reservations rebroadcasts 3 hours later.
On ABC, there's Pushing Daisies. This one, I see as something you'd get if you crossed Dr. Seuss with Edward Gorey, and threw in a dash of Tim Burton. It's so absurd, it's cool. This would have been so easy to mess up, but for my tastes, they've gotten it right. It's an intelligent show, so I don't expect it to last more than two seasons.
Beyond those, there are my old standbys, like the original CSI, Criminal Minds, Numbers, and Heroes. Okay, so only one of those have been on for more than three seasons, but still...
I've also rediscovered The Simpsons and Family Guy. Gotta laugh, and those still do it for me.
Then there's what's available on pay TV. There were shows on BBC America that I enjoyed, but have since stopped watching that network. I've been waiting for over a year for the second season of Life on Mars. It's being redone for American television, with all the standard adjustments of beautiful people and vapid storylines, although maybe not so bad, since David E. Kelley is doing it. Just the same, it won't be the same. I was also hooked on Robin Hood, a lovely little show with a bit of comedy and a particularly evil Sheriff of Nottingham. Haven't heard anything about the second season of that one, either. Mostly, I'm disillusioned with BBCA, and refuse to get hooked on anything else, regardless of how interesting Torchwood looks to me.
USA has some neat little shows, like the old favorite, Monk, and a couple of new faves, Psych and Burn Notice. SciFi has Eureka, which I've been told has stolen plots from X-files. Well, since I had a hard time sticking with X-files and have no trouble at all following Eureka, I don't actually care where they get the plots. It's watchable.
At last, there's South Park. Morally opposed to the show at the outset, I refused to watch it. Nevermind the fact that I didn't have pay TV until July 2006, so I couldn't watch it anyway. A friend of mine talked so much about it, I finally caught an episode, and now I'm hooked. Intelligent potty humor. Go figure. The animators have no problems saying what's on their minds. One of my favorite episodes is "Trapped in the Closet," which basically makes Scientology look stupid. It's the show that made Isaac Hayes quit, since he's a Scientologist. He didn't have any issues with Moses as the central computer from Tron, or Jesus with his own public access show, and probably unfazed by the shows about Mormons. Pretty hypocritical to get upset over it. But it's a funny episode.
There are three channels I like to watch at any time of the day: National Geographic, Travel, Food Network and Turner Classic Movies. TCM is awesome for many reasons, not the least of which is there are movies that haven't been aired for years, and they're commercial free. On Sundays at 12 Eastern (10 Mountain), they show a silent movie or two. Anyone with any interest in the history of film should watch. I now see what the big deal was about Rudolph Valentino.
I've only had my satellite dish for a year and a half, after ten years of only having network TV. I can't imagine not having some pay channels any more. I'd lose my mind.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Capital One - Get it out of your wallet
Posted October 19, 2007
Capital One is not to be trusted. I've been getting calls from them demanding money. I closed the account back in February. At least, I thought I did. I called them and told them to close the account. I then transfered the remaining balance to my WAMU card, with a ridiculous rate, just so I could be done with Capital One. But no, they didn't close the account. Just one more reason to never go to them again.
In 2005, I had two Capital One cards. Neither had a very high balance or high limit, and they both had a better rate than my WAMU (Providian at the time) card. Not hard to do, that WAMU rate is obscene.
Both cards had payments due at the same time. I sent both payments out at the same time. What didn't make sense is that one was always late. How? They were sent the same day, sent separately. Well, every month for six months, I would get a late fee on my statement. Every month for six months, starting a month later, the late fee was removed as an accounting error. In May of 2005, I was looking to buy a home. I found one I liked, and could afford, and started the loan process. In that time, Capital One continued their misrepresentation and actually *reported* a late payment to the credit agencies. Now, if I'd consistently made late payments, that wouldn't have been an issue. It would have been annoying, but my own fault. But I didn't. My payments were on time. Something Capital One even acknowledged, by virtue of the fact that they consistently removed the late payment fee without any intervention from me.
Having late payments allowed them to increase the rate on that card, both because the payment was late, and because, by reporting, my credit score dropped. Significantly. I'd just pulled a report for myself in April of 2005, so I could see where my scores were. I pulled what's referred to as a tri-merge, a report showing my credit as reported by all three major bureaus,. Experian, Equifax and Trans Union.
Incidentally, you should check your credit at least once a year. You get one free report a year from all three agencies, perhaps more depending on state laws. Colorado, for instance, allows a free report any time a new derogatory item is added.
But I digress. Capital One reported late payments to the credit agencies. Payments that weren't actually late. Because of this reporting, my scores dropped about 50 points. That's significant. Very significant. I worked for 6 years in mortgage, I saw what sort of a difference even 10 points could make, as far as loan amounts and rates a borrower would be eligible for. I didn't know about this until after I'd already had a loan in place.
Basically, by lying about my late payments, they ruined my credit score. They ruined my chances at getting a better rate on my mortgage. I've since been able to cancel my card again. This time, I got a letter confirming that not only was my account closed, but the balance wiped out. Damn straight.
Like I said, if my payments had actually been late, that would have been a different matter. But they weren't. Capital One is a shady, dishonest company, and not one I will ever do business with again.
Capital One is not to be trusted. I've been getting calls from them demanding money. I closed the account back in February. At least, I thought I did. I called them and told them to close the account. I then transfered the remaining balance to my WAMU card, with a ridiculous rate, just so I could be done with Capital One. But no, they didn't close the account. Just one more reason to never go to them again.
In 2005, I had two Capital One cards. Neither had a very high balance or high limit, and they both had a better rate than my WAMU (Providian at the time) card. Not hard to do, that WAMU rate is obscene.
Both cards had payments due at the same time. I sent both payments out at the same time. What didn't make sense is that one was always late. How? They were sent the same day, sent separately. Well, every month for six months, I would get a late fee on my statement. Every month for six months, starting a month later, the late fee was removed as an accounting error. In May of 2005, I was looking to buy a home. I found one I liked, and could afford, and started the loan process. In that time, Capital One continued their misrepresentation and actually *reported* a late payment to the credit agencies. Now, if I'd consistently made late payments, that wouldn't have been an issue. It would have been annoying, but my own fault. But I didn't. My payments were on time. Something Capital One even acknowledged, by virtue of the fact that they consistently removed the late payment fee without any intervention from me.
Having late payments allowed them to increase the rate on that card, both because the payment was late, and because, by reporting, my credit score dropped. Significantly. I'd just pulled a report for myself in April of 2005, so I could see where my scores were. I pulled what's referred to as a tri-merge, a report showing my credit as reported by all three major bureaus,. Experian, Equifax and Trans Union.
Incidentally, you should check your credit at least once a year. You get one free report a year from all three agencies, perhaps more depending on state laws. Colorado, for instance, allows a free report any time a new derogatory item is added.
But I digress. Capital One reported late payments to the credit agencies. Payments that weren't actually late. Because of this reporting, my scores dropped about 50 points. That's significant. Very significant. I worked for 6 years in mortgage, I saw what sort of a difference even 10 points could make, as far as loan amounts and rates a borrower would be eligible for. I didn't know about this until after I'd already had a loan in place.
Basically, by lying about my late payments, they ruined my credit score. They ruined my chances at getting a better rate on my mortgage. I've since been able to cancel my card again. This time, I got a letter confirming that not only was my account closed, but the balance wiped out. Damn straight.
Like I said, if my payments had actually been late, that would have been a different matter. But they weren't. Capital One is a shady, dishonest company, and not one I will ever do business with again.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Abject Terror or Complete Denial
Posted September 20, 2007
Let us contemplate a moment…
It's been a week since I was relieved of my duties at work. On the one hand, I've never felt more relaxed. On the other, I've avoided really considering anything. Monday, I had a phone interview with a company that is hiring a lot of customer service reps. I'm not sure what, exactly, made me blow the interview. Might have been the incomplete situations about my decision-making. Or perhaps it was the limits on work schedule times. Maybe it was because I noted I wanted to go into financial planning - which is a path there - without cold sales. Either that, or the statement that I would take a pay cut for something I want to do. Dunno. All I know is that while everyone else got a face-to-face interview, I didn't. I'm still waiting to see if I'm upset about it. I don't think so. No denial there, just a slight joy I didn't have to reject them.
Tuesday, I sat in my living room trying not to think about the fact that eventually, I would be out of work and would have to take unemployment for a while. Wednesday, I visited Buffalo Bill's grave. He's really buried there on Lookout Mountain (or is it Mt Lookout? There's a Mt Lookout at home in Cincinnati, dunno if I'm getting those confused. But I digress). His coffin is covered by concrete so Wyoming and Nebraska can't steal it. No, seriously. Thursday, I wandered around a mall in Denver. I extended my cell phone contract, too. Got a free phone. Pretty neat little phone. Probably not as sturdy as my old one, but better suited for things like texting, which I do a lot more than I thought I ever would. Friday, I sat at home again, trying not to kill my neighbor.
There is one job out there that's ephemeral as smoke. Company is in Durango, might move a location to Colorado Springs, might not. It would be commission rather than a salary, similar to a freelance assignment, but they'd pay 50% of health care costs. I could make obscene amounts of money doing something I'd actually enjoy, doing most of the stuff I liked about my last job. But, it's not firm.
The job market here, for lack of a better term, sucks. Big time. Either you're an executive, sales person or phone monkey. Business jargon (rethink paradigm, Six Sigma, ideation) makes me feel unclean, sales terrifies me, and I can't afford to live on a phone monkey salary. I just came from a call center, and it was a well-paid call center. Mostly because it wasn't a call center when I started there. I don't know what I'm going to do when the severance runs out, I spend $80-100/month on prescriptions with insurance. I won't have insurance after severance ends. I physically can't handle the commute to Denver (about 65 miles each way). I can't afford disability, and I'm too young to do that anyway. I'm my only source of income. I'm lucky to some extent, in that my family will help if I need it, but that's a last resort. I mean really, who wants to have to go back to family and say "You were right, I'm a loser, I can't take care of myself," hmm?
I have to start looking for a job. I have to call my creditors to let them know I may not be able to pay them for a while. I won't have enough to pay my mortgage for October, for instance. I have to find a way to pay for my prescriptions. I have to address my health in general. Too many things to consider, to think about.
But, if I think about them, I get scared. If I don't, well, just call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.
Let us contemplate a moment…
It's been a week since I was relieved of my duties at work. On the one hand, I've never felt more relaxed. On the other, I've avoided really considering anything. Monday, I had a phone interview with a company that is hiring a lot of customer service reps. I'm not sure what, exactly, made me blow the interview. Might have been the incomplete situations about my decision-making. Or perhaps it was the limits on work schedule times. Maybe it was because I noted I wanted to go into financial planning - which is a path there - without cold sales. Either that, or the statement that I would take a pay cut for something I want to do. Dunno. All I know is that while everyone else got a face-to-face interview, I didn't. I'm still waiting to see if I'm upset about it. I don't think so. No denial there, just a slight joy I didn't have to reject them.
Tuesday, I sat in my living room trying not to think about the fact that eventually, I would be out of work and would have to take unemployment for a while. Wednesday, I visited Buffalo Bill's grave. He's really buried there on Lookout Mountain (or is it Mt Lookout? There's a Mt Lookout at home in Cincinnati, dunno if I'm getting those confused. But I digress). His coffin is covered by concrete so Wyoming and Nebraska can't steal it. No, seriously. Thursday, I wandered around a mall in Denver. I extended my cell phone contract, too. Got a free phone. Pretty neat little phone. Probably not as sturdy as my old one, but better suited for things like texting, which I do a lot more than I thought I ever would. Friday, I sat at home again, trying not to kill my neighbor.
There is one job out there that's ephemeral as smoke. Company is in Durango, might move a location to Colorado Springs, might not. It would be commission rather than a salary, similar to a freelance assignment, but they'd pay 50% of health care costs. I could make obscene amounts of money doing something I'd actually enjoy, doing most of the stuff I liked about my last job. But, it's not firm.
The job market here, for lack of a better term, sucks. Big time. Either you're an executive, sales person or phone monkey. Business jargon (rethink paradigm, Six Sigma, ideation) makes me feel unclean, sales terrifies me, and I can't afford to live on a phone monkey salary. I just came from a call center, and it was a well-paid call center. Mostly because it wasn't a call center when I started there. I don't know what I'm going to do when the severance runs out, I spend $80-100/month on prescriptions with insurance. I won't have insurance after severance ends. I physically can't handle the commute to Denver (about 65 miles each way). I can't afford disability, and I'm too young to do that anyway. I'm my only source of income. I'm lucky to some extent, in that my family will help if I need it, but that's a last resort. I mean really, who wants to have to go back to family and say "You were right, I'm a loser, I can't take care of myself," hmm?
I have to start looking for a job. I have to call my creditors to let them know I may not be able to pay them for a while. I won't have enough to pay my mortgage for October, for instance. I have to find a way to pay for my prescriptions. I have to address my health in general. Too many things to consider, to think about.
But, if I think about them, I get scared. If I don't, well, just call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sweet Home Colorado
Reprint from July 2007 MySpace
I don‘t ski or climb mountains,
I don’t hike or play in snow.
Soon, I’ll be out of work and money,
Oh, Colorado, I don’t want to go
Crazy as it sounds, I do miss humidity. Not really sure why, but I do. I miss the Southern lethargy, enforced by the oppressive heat and dampness in the air. I miss getting out of the shower and wondering why I bothered, the summer noises of insects and bats and songbirds, waking me up at some ridiculous hour of the morning. I miss the squirrels and raccoons, the smell and sound of summer rain, and the green, the overwhelming green. The trees that grow like weeds, the weeds that grow like trees, the soft grass between my toes, the dandelions in the cracks of the sidewalk, and the puddles all over the streets.
And it’s not just summer, I actually miss winter to some degree. While I was never particularly fond of chipping my car out of half an inch of ice, it felt like winter the whole time. Sure, there was always the chance that it would snow on Halloween and be 70 on Christmas, but still, it was winter. Unmistakably winter.
I miss my home, a river city with a combination of the Midwest and South, but more Appalachian than anything. I miss ribs, bar-be-queued in a cut-out oil drum. I miss catfish, breaded in corn meal, fried, sprinkled with a little lemon, and so greasy (that’s “GREE-zee”) you need three paper towels to keep your clothes clean. I miss the free concerts and various festivals, the bars and restaurants right on the river. The Cincinnati/Kentucky twang, Bluegrass music on the radio, the rolling green hills, the amazing colors in the fall that I would put up against any New England state, these all make me think of home.
And yet…
This place gets in your blood. As proud as I am of my Cincinnati hometown, as much as I love it, and as happy as the skyline makes me feel, I live in Colorado. The whole state is mine, not just one little corner.
I’d like to try it some time, I really would, but I can’t afford it. Plus, I don’t have a 4-wheel drive car to take me to the mountains, nor do I have anyone to ski with. I’ve done the Coors brewery tour, visited the Black Canyon of the Gunnison, and followed the various scenic trails. My personal favorite is the Peak to Peak, from Black Hawk to Estes Park. I can see Pike’s Peak out of my back door. It’s not the tallest mountain in Colorado, but it’s easily the most famous. It was the view from Pike’s Peak that inspired “America the Beautiful” author Kathy Lee Bates to write of the “purple mountain majesties.” And it is majestic, from above and below.
In the winter, it snows, and in the summer, it’s hot. And sometimes, the reverse. Everyone knows that the taller mountains keep their snow through much of the summer. One day, I left Colorado Springs on a road trip, heading for I-70. No real reason, just because. It was in the 80s down in the Springs, so I drove with the top off my convertible. My car is a Chevy Tracker, a two-door car with a top that can be taken off in pieces, like a Jeep Wrangler. The sunroof part of my car was closed. Makes it more aerodynamic. At 9,000 feet, the temperature dropped a little, not unexpected. I just threw on a fleece pullover and turned on the heat in my little car. And then I turned onto interstate 70, heading west toward Grand Junction. Ahead, the sky was darker, indicating precipitation. One of my favorite features, really. But I digress. Driving on, I headed toward the Eisenhower Tunnel. The heavens opened. Soft, white and heavy, snow fell around me. Not gentle, drifting flurries, nor even determined snow showers. No, this was a blizzard, nearly a white-out. I couldn’t see more than two cars in front of me. It was July. At this altitude (up to 6200 feet, higher than Denver at 5,820), the latest snow I’ve seen is June. The second week of June.
I love my hometown. I miss my family, most of whom are still in Cincinnati, and I’m pretty sure a couple of them miss me. If I ever get up the nerve, I’ll have a flying pig tattooed on my shoulder. But right now, Colorado is my home. And y’know, I really don’t want to leave. I love Colorado. I will admit, I enjoy listening to John Denver songs. There are two, though, that that can bring tears to my eyes.
“Take Me Home, Country Roads,” and “Rocky Mountain High.” If you’ve ever driven through southern Ohio, Kentucky or West Virginia, you can feel the longing for home in the hills and trees. And if you’ve ever stood outside during a spring shower in Colorado, well, you can’t beat the sight of a rainbow between the raindrops, glittering in the sunshine.
How fortunate am I to have two places I’m proud to call home?
I don‘t ski or climb mountains,
I don’t hike or play in snow.
Soon, I’ll be out of work and money,
Oh, Colorado, I don’t want to go
Crazy as it sounds, I do miss humidity. Not really sure why, but I do. I miss the Southern lethargy, enforced by the oppressive heat and dampness in the air. I miss getting out of the shower and wondering why I bothered, the summer noises of insects and bats and songbirds, waking me up at some ridiculous hour of the morning. I miss the squirrels and raccoons, the smell and sound of summer rain, and the green, the overwhelming green. The trees that grow like weeds, the weeds that grow like trees, the soft grass between my toes, the dandelions in the cracks of the sidewalk, and the puddles all over the streets.
And it’s not just summer, I actually miss winter to some degree. While I was never particularly fond of chipping my car out of half an inch of ice, it felt like winter the whole time. Sure, there was always the chance that it would snow on Halloween and be 70 on Christmas, but still, it was winter. Unmistakably winter.
I miss my home, a river city with a combination of the Midwest and South, but more Appalachian than anything. I miss ribs, bar-be-queued in a cut-out oil drum. I miss catfish, breaded in corn meal, fried, sprinkled with a little lemon, and so greasy (that’s “GREE-zee”) you need three paper towels to keep your clothes clean. I miss the free concerts and various festivals, the bars and restaurants right on the river. The Cincinnati/Kentucky twang, Bluegrass music on the radio, the rolling green hills, the amazing colors in the fall that I would put up against any New England state, these all make me think of home.
And yet…
This place gets in your blood. As proud as I am of my Cincinnati hometown, as much as I love it, and as happy as the skyline makes me feel, I live in Colorado. The whole state is mine, not just one little corner.
I’d like to try it some time, I really would, but I can’t afford it. Plus, I don’t have a 4-wheel drive car to take me to the mountains, nor do I have anyone to ski with. I’ve done the Coors brewery tour, visited the Black Canyon of the Gunnison, and followed the various scenic trails. My personal favorite is the Peak to Peak, from Black Hawk to Estes Park. I can see Pike’s Peak out of my back door. It’s not the tallest mountain in Colorado, but it’s easily the most famous. It was the view from Pike’s Peak that inspired “America the Beautiful” author Kathy Lee Bates to write of the “purple mountain majesties.” And it is majestic, from above and below.
In the winter, it snows, and in the summer, it’s hot. And sometimes, the reverse. Everyone knows that the taller mountains keep their snow through much of the summer. One day, I left Colorado Springs on a road trip, heading for I-70. No real reason, just because. It was in the 80s down in the Springs, so I drove with the top off my convertible. My car is a Chevy Tracker, a two-door car with a top that can be taken off in pieces, like a Jeep Wrangler. The sunroof part of my car was closed. Makes it more aerodynamic. At 9,000 feet, the temperature dropped a little, not unexpected. I just threw on a fleece pullover and turned on the heat in my little car. And then I turned onto interstate 70, heading west toward Grand Junction. Ahead, the sky was darker, indicating precipitation. One of my favorite features, really. But I digress. Driving on, I headed toward the Eisenhower Tunnel. The heavens opened. Soft, white and heavy, snow fell around me. Not gentle, drifting flurries, nor even determined snow showers. No, this was a blizzard, nearly a white-out. I couldn’t see more than two cars in front of me. It was July. At this altitude (up to 6200 feet, higher than Denver at 5,820), the latest snow I’ve seen is June. The second week of June.
I love my hometown. I miss my family, most of whom are still in Cincinnati, and I’m pretty sure a couple of them miss me. If I ever get up the nerve, I’ll have a flying pig tattooed on my shoulder. But right now, Colorado is my home. And y’know, I really don’t want to leave. I love Colorado. I will admit, I enjoy listening to John Denver songs. There are two, though, that that can bring tears to my eyes.
“Take Me Home, Country Roads,” and “Rocky Mountain High.” If you’ve ever driven through southern Ohio, Kentucky or West Virginia, you can feel the longing for home in the hills and trees. And if you’ve ever stood outside during a spring shower in Colorado, well, you can’t beat the sight of a rainbow between the raindrops, glittering in the sunshine.
How fortunate am I to have two places I’m proud to call home?
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